Dad's housecleaner asked to quit - long text exchange

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:throwing in that boomer remark was very disrespectful

I feel sorry for your father. You can find a solution if you really want to.

Why was it disrespectful? It's fact-based, and here's a statistic from Pew for you. Boomer men never spent much time at all on housework. That's simple truth.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/chapter-5-americans-time-at-paid-work-housework-child-care-1965-to-2011/

If you have any solutions to offer -- not baseless criticism -- this is the forum to do so. Keep it solutions-oriented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not willing to go there and find out what’s happening, prepare for it to just spiral out of control. I don’t know why you think the housecleaner problem would be the last thing.

If he hasn’t given her a raise in a long time that could also be an issue.

Hi, I'm the OP. I never said anything about it being the "last" thing. And I am willing to go there. Not sure you read my post?

In the amount of time you spent on DCUM arguing with anonymous people who have no idea about your dads’ condition you could have driven to his house and checked up on him. 30 minutes is not far.

This. And you could have taken the kids. I mean I drive 30 minutes to go to the mall. You say you’re willing to go there, but not really. Because honestly you should visiting him weekly ANYWAY if he only lives 30 minutes away. Even with small kids. Stop using that as an excuse.

Stop it. Try acting like a human being. She’s worried and is venting. -NP

The original post explains the situation and visiting.
Stop with the "shoulds."

If OP is so worried, she should act like a human being and go check on her father and stop venting on DCUM. She's complaining about 30 minutes!

[Anonymous]

Reach out to the housekeeper. She may have kept this assignment b/c of your mom. And now, it is too much.

[Anonymous]

OP I know it's a pain but I think you should make it a priority to go there ASAP and assess the situation. Could your husband take care of the kids and evening duties alone one night this week so you can drive out there? Or could you take your kids for a quick visit and pick up takeout on the way home? I'm thinking maybe 2 hours of the evening (1 hour travel time and 1 hour spent at his house)?

I agree with others who said you should communicate with the housekeeper directly.

[Anonymous]

You NEED to go to his house ASAP

[Anonymous]

I know this is uncomfortable for you and you want to deny there is a problem, but you need to know what is going on in his house.

He guilted the housekeeper into staying but if conditions are bad and nothing changes they may contact Adult Human Services or whatever it's called where you live.

You don't want that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not willing to go there and find out what’s happening, prepare for it to just spiral out of control. I don’t know why you think the housecleaner problem would be the last thing.

If he hasn’t given her a raise in a long time that could also be an issue.

Hi, I'm the OP. I never said anything about it being the "last" thing. And I am willing to go there. Not sure you read my post?

In the amount of time you spent on DCUM arguing with anonymous people who have no idea about your dads’ condition you could have driven to his house and checked up on him. 30 minutes is not far.

This. And you could have taken the kids. I mean I drive 30 minutes to go to the mall. You say you’re willing to go there, but not really. Because honestly you should visiting him weekly ANYWAY if he only lives 30 minutes away. Even with small kids. Stop using that as an excuse.

Stop it. Try acting like a human being. She’s worried and is venting. -NP

The original post explains the situation and visiting.
Stop with the "shoulds."

If OP is so worried, she should act like a human being and go check on her father and stop venting on DCUM. She's complaining about 30 minutes!

Nobody is complaining. You know posting takes what, 5 seconds, and people vent here ALL THE TIME? That's what this forum exists for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I know it's a pain but I think you should make it a priority to go there ASAP and assess the situation. Could your husband take care of the kids and evening duties alone one night this week so you can drive out there? Or could you take your kids for a quick visit and pick up takeout on the way home? I'm thinking maybe 2 hours of the evening (1 hour travel time and 1 hour spent at his house)?

I agree with others who said you should communicate with the housekeeper directly.

Any ideas for getting her contact info without upsetting my dad? I don't know her last name or phone #. My mom always communicated with her directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I know it's a pain but I think you should make it a priority to go there ASAP and assess the situation. Could your husband take care of the kids and evening duties alone one night this week so you can drive out there? Or could you take your kids for a quick visit and pick up takeout on the way home? I'm thinking maybe 2 hours of the evening (1 hour travel time and 1 hour spent at his house)?

I agree with others who said you should communicate with the housekeeper directly.

Any ideas for getting her contact info without upsetting my dad? I don't know her last name or phone #. My mom always communicated with her directly.

Just ask him for her number so you can see if there’s any misunderstanding or if you can help her with anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I know it's a pain but I think you should make it a priority to go there ASAP and assess the situation. Could your husband take care of the kids and evening duties alone one night this week so you can drive out there? Or could you take your kids for a quick visit and pick up takeout on the way home? I'm thinking maybe 2 hours of the evening (1 hour travel time and 1 hour spent at his house)?

I agree with others who said you should communicate with the housekeeper directly.

Any ideas for getting her contact info without upsetting my dad? I don't know her last name or phone #. My mom always communicated with her directly.

Tell your dad you'd like to try and convince her to stay, and ask him for her number. That might get his hopes up, but it would be worth it.

[Anonymous]

OP - Why don’t just you go over tomorrow night with dinner to go for your dad. Maybe bein with him alone in his home you can have a real conversation and try to see and listen to what he is saying. You can see how things are and perhaps a cleaning service to come and o a deep cleaning would be an equalizer for the present or a new housekeeper. You do need the present person ‘s number and you should have a hand in any future hiring where you coukd lit specific tasks such as changing his bed, doing the laundry, etc. A weekly visit might make sense to keep a second set of eyes on him, too. Dh needs to step up a bit more with the kids to get your dad straight or at least to try to.

Another thought is if you have not done so, it is time to go through your mom’s clothes and things. It might also be time for you to find time to help dad sort through other things in the house. Decluttering now over time will reduce stress if having to deal with things later. Also, consider helping your dad set up a weekly routine of being out doing something with ir at least around other folks such as going to a senior center, community center or gym for a regular fitness activity. Going to programs at the library or to a church service. Explore with your dad uf he might like to join a service club ir try volunteering somewhere. He is still relatively young, but likely has been caring for mom and out if touch with others.

[Anonymous]

OP, gentle sympathy, and one (also gentle) note: take a look at your title again. No housekeeper needs to "ask" to quit -- they aren't indentured servants. She doesn't need anyone's permission to leave the position.

It might be helpful to reframe that in your mind. This might be a part of the problem she is having with the position.

[Anonymous]

I would just find a new weekly housecleaner.

TBH, it sounds like this one fell into a sweet gig and now that there's more work, she's no longer interested. Or is fishing for more $$.

My mom travels a lot with friends. My dad hates traveling so he stays home. If she's gone for a week or so, I go over to check in on him because he can be somewhat helpless/clueless. He'll let dishes pile up until he has no utensils left... and then go through all of the plasticware he can find before doing a dish. He'll leave empty cups around and his discarded clothes on the floor. He's just used to my mom doing those things.

Last time she was gone and I went over, he'd been eating local takeout for 3 days in a row because he had no clean dishes and "they always give me a fork with my order!" I asked why he didn't just do dishes... there was no dish soap. I asked why he didn't go buy more... he didn't know what "flavor" she liked to use and didn't want to buy the wrong one so it was easier to order food with a utensil.

I asked why he didn't buy some plasticware at the store and he said that thought never occurred to him.

I sometimes think a big part of the reason I'm a lesbian is because I could never imagine myself being with a guy like my dad who was so clueless/helpless, ha. I mean, I'm joking, but yeah.

[Anonymous]

When was her last raise? Also she doesn’t need to ask to quit, like pp said. And it’s rude to guilt her into staying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The housecleaner wants to quit. Don't call her and guilt her into staying in a job she doesn't like anymore. I would go to my dad's house and see how things stand. Then get a new cleaner to come once a week. Maybe your dad is depressed and not doing the basic upkeep.

This. Sounds like your dad has been relying on this once a week housekeeper to be his daily housekeeper. He just lets the daily stuff pile up for her. And yeah, airflow makes me think then place might be disgusting. You need to drive over and assess what’s going on. And we’re all busy, OP. You don’t need to keep saying you work full time and have two young kids.