Dad's housecleaner asked to quit - long text exchange

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not willing to go there and find out what’s happening, prepare for it to just spiral out of control. I don’t know why you think the housecleaner problem would be the last thing.

If he hasn’t given her a raise in a long time that could also be an issue.

Hi, I'm the OP. I never said anything about it being the "last" thing. And I am willing to go there. Not sure you read my post?

In the amount of time you spent on DCUM arguing with anonymous people who have no idea about your dads’ condition you could have driven to his house and checked up on him. 30 minutes is not far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not willing to go there and find out what’s happening, prepare for it to just spiral out of control. I don’t know why you think the housecleaner problem would be the last thing.

If he hasn’t given her a raise in a long time that could also be an issue.

Hi, I'm the OP. I never said anything about it being the "last" thing. And I am willing to go there. Not sure you read my post?

In the amount of time you spent on DCUM arguing with anonymous people who have no idea about your dads’ condition you could have driven to his house and checked up on him. 30 minutes is not far.

This. And you could have taken the kids. I mean I drive 30 minutes to go to the mall. You say you’re willing to go there, but not really. Because honestly you should visiting him weekly ANYWAY if he only lives 30 minutes away. Even with small kids. Stop using that as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like his house is really bad. He needs to hire more help or clean up after himself. How much trash, dishes, and laundry can one single person make anyway?!

[Anonymous]

Op I agree with others that if she brought this up it was probably very difficult for her and it is probably a problem. Most people don't leave dishes for their house clear who comes every other week - is he leaving a weeks worth of dishes for her?? I agree this is tough as he's an adult and you shouldn't jump in but you should probably talk to him later when he's less panicked and get more info to help him through it. Like hey dad, I know this was worrisome, let's try to find a solution for both of you - try to figure out the dish situation. House cleaners that come every other week are there to do a deep clean, not to pick up after you, it sounds like he sort of knows that. but yeah maybe coming every week would make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not willing to go there and find out what’s happening, prepare for it to just spiral out of control. I don’t know why you think the housecleaner problem would be the last thing.

If he hasn’t given her a raise in a long time that could also be an issue.

Hi, I'm the OP. I never said anything about it being the "last" thing. And I am willing to go there. Not sure you read my post?

In the amount of time you spent on DCUM arguing with anonymous people who have no idea about your dads’ condition you could have driven to his house and checked up on him. 30 minutes is not far.

This. And you could have taken the kids. I mean I drive 30 minutes to go to the mall. You say you’re willing to go there, but not really. Because honestly you should visiting him weekly ANYWAY if he only lives 30 minutes away. Even with small kids. Stop using that as an excuse.

Stop it. Try acting like a human being. She’s worried and is venting. -NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree with others that if she brought this up it was probably very difficult for her and it is probably a problem. Most people don't leave dishes for their house clear who comes every other week - is he leaving a weeks worth of dishes for her?? I agree this is tough as he's an adult and you shouldn't jump in but you should probably talk to him later when he's less panicked and get more info to help him through it. Like hey dad, I know this was worrisome, let's try to find a solution for both of you - try to figure out the dish situation. House cleaners that come every other week are there to do a deep clean, not to pick up after you, it sounds like he sort of knows that. but yeah maybe coming every week would make a difference.

+1, maybe 1x weekcleaning and if he needs extra help, 2x a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not willing to go there and find out what’s happening, prepare for it to just spiral out of control. I don’t know why you think the housecleaner problem would be the last thing.

If he hasn’t given her a raise in a long time that could also be an issue.

Hi, I'm the OP. I never said anything about it being the "last" thing. And I am willing to go there. Not sure you read my post?

In the amount of time you spent on DCUM arguing with anonymous people who have no idea about your dads’ condition you could have driven to his house and checked up on him. 30 minutes is not far.

Wow, you sound cruel. Please post on forums involving the elderly with compassion or not at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not willing to go there and find out what’s happening, prepare for it to just spiral out of control. I don’t know why you think the housecleaner problem would be the last thing.

If he hasn’t given her a raise in a long time that could also be an issue.

Hi, I'm the OP. I never said anything about it being the "last" thing. And I am willing to go there. Not sure you read my post?

In the amount of time you spent on DCUM arguing with anonymous people who have no idea about your dads’ condition you could have driven to his house and checked up on him. 30 minutes is not far.

This. And you could have taken the kids. I mean I drive 30 minutes to go to the mall. You say you’re willing to go there, but not really. Because honestly you should visiting him weekly ANYWAY if he only lives 30 minutes away. Even with small kids. Stop using that as an excuse.

Stop it. Try acting like a human being. She’s worried and is venting. -NP

The original post explains the situation and visiting.
Stop with the "shoulds."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he might just need to hire someone to be more of a housekeeper, i.e. someone to actually help with the laundry and doing the dishes. He could even hire a different housekeeper to come alternate weeks to his current housekeeper to help him keep things more tidy. Can he afford extra help?

OP here, that's a good idea, thanks.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others - pop in unexpectedly to see what the situation is

Also reach out to the housecleaner and ask for her honest feedback on the situation.

He might be able bodied and all but he might be depressed. And when one is depressed it's really heard to get motivated to even do basic care for oneself.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP that you are being criticized so much for this post.

I am sure that you are doing the best you possibly can to care for your Father. 💞

Too many people on here are being so unfair + negative.

[Anonymous]

OP,.his franticness indicates he is not comfortable with doing the cleaning himself (to me) and the housekeepers comment about "air flow" indicates to me either there is a smell that doesn't go away or he is not keeping the ac / heat on for some reason (maybe he is too cold and cranks the heat up or he is "saving money" and doesn't run the HVAC.)

You definitely need to go over and visit to see what things are like. Don't tell him that's why you are doing it, just go over to bring him something one day and quietly check things out.

One of my parents became incontinent and they were also cold all the time, so as soon as I would walk in, the smell was there. It's also possible that the housecleaner.was a friend to your mom, and she isn't that interested in helping your dad.

[Anonymous]

And, we eventually needed to getting an aide to come over and do light cleaning several times a week plus make meals. You may want to consider this on top of the regular housecleaner. I would contact her to get her side, letting her know you are concerned about your dad.

[Anonymous]

I would also have a conversation with the housekeeper to ask her how she thinks your father has been coping since the loss of your mother. Maybe he has let the dishes pile up for 2 weeks. Since she worked for your parents for a long time, her opinion will help you understand your needs.

I cleaned my dad’s house when my mom died suddenly. While my dad wasn’t dirty, he would rinse rinse off plates without scrubbing and never really noticed that the kitchen floor was dirty. I don’t know he was in shock from my mom’s death, couldn’t see the yuck, or didn’t really care about it. Good luck, it’s hard.

[Anonymous]

throwing in that boomer remark was very disrespectful

I feel sorry for your father. You can find a solution if you really want to.