Dad's housecleaner asked to quit - long text exchange

[Anonymous]

My parents' longtime housekeeper continued on after my mom passed last year. She and my mom were close; she would come every other week. My parents' home was always relatively neat but my mother had mobility issues so my father did most of the day-to-day house stuff.
While my mom was alive, the housekeeper would also fold any laundry and do dishes.

My father just called me frantically saying the longtime housecleaner texted him saying she isn't the right fit for him anymore, and he may need somebody to come more frequently. She said the place is too messy, not enough air flow, etc. When I pressed my dad he said he continued to leave laundry and dishes because my mom said that was OK. He also said he tried to tidy before she came.

I live a half-hour away but don't go to my father's house; he usually comes here to play with the kids, we take him out to eat, he goes to their games etc. But when I have been in the house, it has seemed a bit messier than my mom would have wanted but not awful. I am now wondering and worried about the state of the home. I asked him if physically or mentally he feels he can't keep up with the house and he said no, he just is lazy and it's his nature to let things pile up. He is healthy, active, 73, in control of his faculties (or so I think). Honestly I think he is a man of his Boomer era who is used to other people picking up after him! :0

I guess he convinced her to stay on to help him, but I told him that he needed to try to keep up with things around the house or to let me know if he cannot. Is there anything else I can do? I work f/t and have two preschoolers; my sister lives nowhere nearby... I don't want him living in a sty or losing someone who helps him...Any ideas??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents' longtime housekeeper continued on after my mom passed last year. She and my mom were close; she would come every other week. My parents' home was always relatively neat but my mother had mobility issues so my father did most of the day-to-day house stuff.
While my mom was alive, the housekeeper would also fold any laundry and do dishes.

My father just called me frantically saying the longtime housecleaner texted him saying she isn't the right fit for him anymore, and he may need somebody to come more frequently. She said the place is too messy, not enough air flow, etc. When I pressed my dad he said he continued to leave laundry and dishes because my mom said that was OK. He also said he tried to tidy before she came.

I live a half-hour away but don't go to my father's house; he usually comes here to play with the kids, we take him out to eat, he goes to their games etc. But when I have been in the house, it has seemed a bit messier than my mom would have wanted but not awful. I am now wondering and worried about the state of the home. I asked him if physically or mentally he feels he can't keep up with the house and he said no, he just is lazy and it's his nature to let things pile up. He is healthy, active, 73, in control of his faculties (or so I think). Honestly I think he is a man of his Boomer era who is used to other people picking up after him! :0

I guess he convinced her to stay on to help him, but I told him that he needed to try to keep up with things around the house or to let me know if he cannot. Is there anything else I can do? I work f/t and have two preschoolers; my sister lives nowhere nearby... I don't want him living in a sty or losing someone who helps him...Any ideas??

I'm confused. You said your dad did the day to day because of your mom's mobility issues, but also that the dishes were left for the housekeeper who comes every other week. What day to day stuff did he do? And how gross are dishes after sitting that long?

[Anonymous]

Airflow issues jumped out at me. Sounds like maybe there is a smell?

Is the housekeeper also getting older? This may be too big of a job for her now that your father clearly needs more help. She wanted to quit and I bet it wasn’t easy for her to get up the strength to quit.

[Anonymous]

Start paying housecleaner to come at least every week - maybe check in with housecleaner yourself to see how bad it is.

[Anonymous]

If you are wondering or worried about the state of the home, why don’t you go visit? Your post seems so panicked, but just go check.

Also, maybe he just needs additional or different help. Sounds like the helper got used to things a certain way and now they are messier (not unusual for people living alone and/or getting older) so she has more to do but perhaps her pay hasn’t increased commensurately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Airflow issues jumped out at me. Sounds like maybe there is a smell?

Is the housekeeper also getting older? This may be too big of a job for her now that your father clearly needs more help. She wanted to quit and I bet it wasn’t easy for her to get up the strength to quit.

She is, but she has a younger helper or two. I am not sure how my dad handled the text exchange -- he related everything to me over the phone -- and I hope he didn't make her feel bad. He seemed extremely frantic and upset about it. I wish I had her # and may need to ask him for it but also don't want to infantilize him or jump into his affairs too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are wondering or worried about the state of the home, why don’t you go visit? Your post seems so panicked, but just go check.

Also, maybe he just needs additional or different help. Sounds like the helper got used to things a certain way and now they are messier (not unusual for people living alone and/or getting older) so she has more to do but perhaps her pay hasn’t increased commensurately.

That's a good point, about the money.

I can go check but not easily during the workweek, so I wouldn't get out there til Saturday. He was incredibly panicked when he called me.

[Anonymous]

Are you the same person who posted about Dad's friends not wanting to have weekly dinners with him anymore?

[Anonymous]

I’d communicate directly with the house cleaner now. Find out from her what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same person who posted about Dad's friends not wanting to have weekly dinners with him anymore?

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like there is more work for her now. So dad has to make more of an effort to be less of a slob or pay the housecleaner more. Maybe the housecleaner can make a list of tasks that is her responsibility and nothing more beyond that. This way dad understands the boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are wondering or worried about the state of the home, why don’t you go visit? Your post seems so panicked, but just go check.

Also, maybe he just needs additional or different help. Sounds like the helper got used to things a certain way and now they are messier (not unusual for people living alone and/or getting older) so she has more to do but perhaps her pay hasn’t increased commensurately.

That's a good point, about the money.

I can go check but not easily during the workweek, so I wouldn't get out there til Saturday. He was incredibly panicked when he called me.

Honestly, you both sound panicked over something that isn’t an emergency. Go visit on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Okay, this is a huge red flag. If she mustered the courage to tell him his home is too gross for her (and that's basically what "air flow" means), it must be pretty bad. I would go to see him, maybe without advance planning so that he doesn't have time to clean up and you see how he really is.

If you can get in touch with the housekeeper, thank her profusely, give her your contact information, and ask her if there is anything you would like to tell her. Ask her as a woman and a daughter, for your father's sake, to share anything you should know.

If he gets a new housekeeper, or even if he doesn't, post your phone number in big letters right on the fridge. And find a way to be in touch with her (even if you have to engineer a chance meeting) so that you can give her your contact information.

[Anonymous]

You know who would do his dishes and and his laundry? An independent living residence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know who would do his dishes and and his laundry? An independent living residence.

That sounds like a mega solution to a minor-ish problem.