My DD keeps yelling that life isn’t fair

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old Libra girl is very much like this. I have explaind to her that things may not be completely equal, but they are fair. If I treated each of her siblings and her exactly equally, they would all suffer. I treat them fairly, in that sometimes someone needs/gets more at any given time. but that it all balances out fairly in the end.

When she's super salty and doesn't let it go, I remind her that if she wants things completely equal, I will have to treat her exactly as I do her younger siblings, which means she has to give up privileges reserved for just her.

It doesn't always work when she's feeling emotional, but intellectually she understands.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing your story. It appears God turned something really ugly in your life into something wonderful. When that happens we have to show in more than just words to our children how thankful we are to live the way we do and show them that not everyone lives this way and how we can help those who are hurting. In addition, she may be wanting more attention. Are you spending one on one time with her on a regular basis? As a family we participated in outreach programs for those who were hurting financially in our community. I would get her and the rest of your family involved with helping those less fortunate in your area. This is also a great way to spend more time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also try asking her what “fair” is. I’m sure it has nothing to do with your amazing house and meals. Have a conversation.

+100

Op - you're completely missing her point and that is driving her even more crazy.

She probably feels her younger siblings get away with a lot more things. She probably feels that she's got the burden of xyz when her siblings dont. And the list goes on.

Why do younger siblings get to eat preyzel snack before dinner, yet when she asks for something you snap at her and deny her telling her it's too close to meal time? Why do she have to eat bland dried out salmon when you make the 4 yr old Mac n cheese? Why does she have to help get shoes on her sibings' feet in the morning rush? Why does she have to clean up the lego mess when she didn't even play with them?

Is this what it's about Op ? ^^

This is a good post.

OP, have you been to therapy? I think it would be helpful, and if you already have been, go again and find a therapist to explore your childhood trauma.

It might be useful for you to read about attachment- the work of people like Gabor Mate, Daniel Siegel, Adele Faber.

OP, I'm sensing resentment in your post. "I dealt with X as a child, and have focused on making sure there is no X in my child's life, so she has no reason to have any complaints." Many parents overly focus on providing their children what was specifically missing from their own childhood, while not realizing that doing the opposite of their own childhood wounding doesn't necessarily mean the child is having all of its needs met.

Yes, you are providing (expensive) food, (expensive) shelter, and fancy entertainment to your child. But what it sounds like she's crying out for are things that are simpler, more foundational, more connection based.

You point out that she's yelling, and seems to yell often. Do you yell at her? From your post, it seems you take a very punitive approach with her- taking things away, sending her to time out. You dismiss her concerns as "stupid." You wrote this post seeking vengeful ways to "put her in her place." I think this age your DD is at is very triggering for you= you were physically neglected at the age, while your daughter is physically/materially taken care of.

I would encourage you to focus on working on healing yourself, so that you can approach your relationship with your daughter with a sense of seeking connection, not constant correction and punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also try asking her what “fair” is. I’m sure it has nothing to do with your amazing house and meals. Have a conversation.

+100

Op - you're completely missing her point and that is driving her even more crazy.

She probably feels her younger siblings get away with a lot more things. She probably feels that she's got the burden of xyz when her siblings dont. And the list goes on.

Why do younger siblings get to eat preyzel snack before dinner, yet when she asks for something you snap at her and deny her telling her it's too close to meal time? Why do she have to eat bland dried out salmon when you make the 4 yr old Mac n cheese? Why does she have to help get shoes on her sibings' feet in the morning rush? Why does she have to clean up the lego mess when she didn't even play with them?

Is this what it's about Op ? ^^

This is a good post.

OP, have you been to therapy? I think it would be helpful, and if you already have been, go again and find a therapist to explore your childhood trauma.

It might be useful for you to read about attachment- the work of people like Gabor Mate, Daniel Siegel, Adele Faber.

OP, I'm sensing resentment in your post. "I dealt with X as a child, and have focused on making sure there is no X in my child's life, so she has no reason to have any complaints." Many parents overly focus on providing their children what was specifically missing from their own childhood, while not realizing that doing the opposite of their own childhood wounding doesn't necessarily mean the child is having all of its needs met.

Yes, you are providing (expensive) food, (expensive) shelter, and fancy entertainment to your child. But what it sounds like she's crying out for are things that are simpler, more foundational, more connection based.

You point out that she's yelling, and seems to yell often. Do you yell at her? From your post, it seems you take a very punitive approach with her- taking things away, sending her to time out. You dismiss her concerns as "stupid." You wrote this post seeking vengeful ways to "put her in her place." I think this age your DD is at is very triggering for you= you were physically neglected at the age, while your daughter is physically/materially taken care of.

I would encourage you to focus on working on healing yourself, so that you can approach your relationship with your daughter with a sense of seeking connection, not constant correction and punishment.

+3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old Libra girl is very much like this. I have explaind to her that things may not be completely equal, but they are fair. If I treated each of her siblings and her exactly equally, they would all suffer. I treat them fairly, in that sometimes someone needs/gets more at any given time. but that it all balances out fairly in the end.

When she's super salty and doesn't let it go, I remind her that if she wants things completely equal, I will have to treat her exactly as I do her younger siblings, which means she has to give up privileges reserved for just her.

It doesn't always work when she's feeling emotional, but intellectually she understands.

You’re disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Astrology is a pseudo science .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old Libra girl is very much like this. I have explaind to her that things may not be completely equal, but they are fair. If I treated each of her siblings and her exactly equally, they would all suffer. I treat them fairly, in that sometimes someone needs/gets more at any given time. but that it all balances out fairly in the end.

When she's super salty and doesn't let it go, I remind her that if she wants things completely equal, I will have to treat her exactly as I do her younger siblings, which means she has to give up privileges reserved for just her.

It doesn't always work when she's feeling emotional, but intellectually she understands.

You’re disgusting.

What exactly is disgusting about this?