My DD keeps yelling that life isn’t fair

[Anonymous]

So you're going to match an 8 yo’s tantrum? That sounds very mature of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My DD (8) is yelling at me (again) because she feels things aren’t fair between she and her siblings. This happens at least once a day. Revoking privileges, time-outs, etc aren’t working.

I’m thinking about trying to make life more fair for her. I mean, it’s not fair that we live in a multi-million dollar house when some people have nothing. It’s not fair that we had salmon and vegetable omelets when others had nothing. It’s not fair that we go to the ballet, nice restaurants, and great vacations.

I’m looking for ideas to help her see ho live is extremely unfair in her favor.

I grew up working and contributing to the needed income. I was physically and sexually abused as a kid. I was so dirty in early elementary school, my teachers would call to remind my parents to bathe me. My DD has an amazing life yet regularly yells about things not being fair - and for stupid things like her brother got to stir the oatmeal and she didn’t, etc.

Show her some photos of 8 year old Ukranian girls currently in the news. And tell her life is indeed not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My DD (8) is yelling at me (again) because she feels things aren’t fair between she and her siblings. This happens at least once a day. Revoking privileges, time-outs, etc aren’t working.

I’m thinking about trying to make life more fair for her. I mean, it’s not fair that we live in a multi-million dollar house when some people have nothing. It’s not fair that we had salmon and vegetable omelets when others had nothing. It’s not fair that we go to the ballet, nice restaurants, and great vacations.

I’m looking for ideas to help her see ho live is extremely unfair in her favor.

I grew up working and contributing to the needed income. I was physically and sexually abused as a kid. I was so dirty in early elementary school, my teachers would call to remind my parents to bathe me. My DD has an amazing life yet regularly yells about things not being fair - and for stupid things like her brother got to stir the oatmeal and she didn’t, etc.

LOL How that got in there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My DD (8) is yelling at me (again) because she feels things aren’t fair between she and her siblings. This happens at least once a day. Revoking privileges, time-outs, etc aren’t working.

I’m thinking about trying to make life more fair for her. I mean, it’s not fair that we live in a multi-million dollar house when some people have nothing. It’s not fair that we had salmon and vegetable omelets when others had nothing. It’s not fair that we go to the ballet, nice restaurants, and great vacations.

I’m looking for ideas to help her see ho live is extremely unfair in her favor.

I grew up working and contributing to the needed income. I was physically and sexually abused as a kid. I was so dirty in early elementary school, my teachers would call to remind my parents to bathe me. My DD has an amazing life yet regularly yells about things not being fair - and for stupid things like her brother got to stir the oatmeal and she didn’t, etc.

She's a spoiled brat and you are responsible for this. I don't care how much money anyone has, you do not give in to your children for every want and whim. She has no discipline. I would stop all those other things and let her start doing some work around the house to earn her privileges. You have to change, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need ages of her and the siblings. As for meal choices, ask for input from all the kids when planning your weekly meals. Maybe she needs some 1 on 1 time with you.

Her little brothers are 4 and 6. They probably do get more attention; especially the 4 yr old. But the screaming is over the top.

Screaming usually happens because a child feels like they aren’t heard otherwise. It sounds like there’s a negative reinforcement cycle going on where the 8 yo is largely ignored in favor of her siblings when she’s behaving properly, so the only way she can get attention is by acting up. Negative attention can be better than no attention for a kid who’s starved for any attention.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- I recently went through this with a 14 and 9 year old. What I do, is when I’m assigning tasks, everyone gets a role, and we rotate who gets to choose their role. The 14 year old doesn’t care or even want to help, but plays along. For example when baking cookies: We need to measure then stir, it’s big ones turn to choose, she wants to stir. Little one starts to whine, I remind her next time is her turn, she stops whining. Now there is no whining, because she feels like in her world things are fair, because we talk a lot about her feelings. When the older one gets to stay up late and that’s ‘not fair’, I do a special game with the little one before bed, and she gets extra attention, so then it feels ‘fair’.

She doesn’t yell or scream with me ever anymore about things being unfair, but she does it all the time with her mom. Her mom will say “your sister is older”, “life isn’t fair”, and “stop complaining”, and sends her to her room ‘for being rude’. It’s constant fights. The little one just wants to be heard and feel like she matters, if that makes sense. It’s not my job to tell her how to parent, so I don’t say anything, but at least for me the “it’s not fairrrrrrrr” complaining ended after I had a talk with the little one asking how we could work on making things fair, instead of punishing her for having feelings.

[Anonymous]

Nanny again- The little one also knows I don’t reward whining, so I try to have a plan in place before whining is even an option. Instead of saying “your sister is going to bed at 10pm and having a sleepover”, I will say: “Tonight I planned a scavenger hunt for you before bed. I can’t wait to start the hunt! Your sister is having a sleepover tonight, and they’ll be up until 10pm, but I’ve asked them to keep it down so they don’t keep you up”.

Also sometimes on the fly, things just aren’t fair, but now in the little ones mind she has this feeling that I really do they hard to make things fair. So, when things happen now, doesn’t get upset because she has this awareness that everything works out in the end.

[Anonymous]

Lecturing her when she's already being unreasonable won't work. I'd work in those conversations when she's relaxed and you're having a nice chat.

If you have cleaning staff, given your statement about your million-dollar home, I'd still work towards carving out daily chores. She's pretty privileged, so she doesn't have the best perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lecturing her when she's already being unreasonable won't work. I'd work in those conversations when she's relaxed and you're having a nice chat.

If you have cleaning staff, given your statement about your million-dollar home, I'd still work towards carving out daily chores. She's pretty privileged, so she doesn't have the best perspective.

Yes, she will definitely feel like life is more fair when she’s sent to clean up after her siblings while they get to do the fun stuff with mom.

[Anonymous]

Salmon and vegetables, boring ballet, and stuffy fancy restaurants is not exactly living the high life when you’re 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lecturing her when she's already being unreasonable won't work. I'd work in those conversations when she's relaxed and you're having a nice chat.

If you have cleaning staff, given your statement about your million-dollar home, I'd still work towards carving out daily chores. She's pretty privileged, so she doesn't have the best perspective.

Yes, she will definitely feel like life is more fair when she’s sent to clean up after her siblings while they get to do the fun stuff with mom.

Well having the siblings also working on their own chores is also important. I would have thought that seemed obvious, but thanks for clearing that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lecturing her when she's already being unreasonable won't work. I'd work in those conversations when she's relaxed and you're having a nice chat.

If you have cleaning staff, given your statement about your million-dollar home, I'd still work towards carving out daily chores. She's pretty privileged, so she doesn't have the best perspective.

Yes, she will definitely feel like life is more fair when she’s sent to clean up after her siblings while they get to do the fun stuff with mom.

Well having the siblings also working on their own chores is also important. I would have thought that seemed obvious, but thanks for clearing that up.

I suspect it’s not obvious to OP, who already admitted to catering to the younger siblings at the expense of her oldest.

[Anonymous]

She's in for a big shock when she goes out in the real world high school, college, and getting and keeping a job. One whine about job and she would be fired on the spot. I hope you have enough money to keep her for life.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could stop the bragging and learn from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Salmon and vegetables, boring ballet, and stuffy fancy restaurants is not exactly living the high life when you’re 8.

+1 plus having a mother that describes more about herself and money than her own daughter in a post about her daughter