Reply to My DD keeps yelling that life isn’t fair

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Also try asking her what “fair” is. I’m sure it has nothing to do with your amazing house and meals. Have a conversation. [/quote]

+100

Op - you're completely missing her point and that is driving her even more crazy.

She probably feels her younger siblings get away with a lot more things. She probably feels that she's got the burden of xyz when her siblings dont. And the list goes on.

Why do younger siblings get to eat preyzel snack before dinner, yet when she asks for something you snap at her and deny her telling her it's too close to meal time? Why do she have to eat bland dried out salmon when you make the 4 yr old Mac n cheese? Why does she have to help get shoes on her sibings' feet in the morning rush? Why does she have to clean up the lego mess when she didn't even play with them?

Is this what it's about Op ?  ^^

[/quote]

This is a good post.

OP, have you been to therapy? I think it would be helpful, and if you already have been, go again and find a therapist to explore your childhood trauma.

It might be useful for you to read about attachment- the work of people like Gabor Mate, Daniel Siegel, Adele Faber.

OP, I'm sensing resentment in your post. "I dealt with X as a child, and have focused on making sure there is no X in my child's life, so she has no reason to have any complaints." Many parents overly focus on providing their children what was specifically missing from their own childhood, while not realizing that doing the opposite of their own childhood wounding doesn't necessarily mean the child is having all of its needs met.

Yes, you are providing (expensive) food, (expensive) shelter, and fancy entertainment to your child. But what it sounds like she's crying out for are things that are simpler, more foundational, more connection based.

You point out that she's yelling, and seems to yell often. Do you yell at her? From your post, it seems you take a very punitive approach with her- taking things away, sending her to time out. You dismiss her concerns as "stupid." You wrote this post seeking vengeful ways to "put her in her place." I think this age your DD is at is very triggering for you= you were physically neglected at the age, while your daughter is physically/materially taken care of.

I would encourage you to focus on working on healing yourself, so that you can approach your relationship with your daughter with a sense of seeking connection, not constant correction and punishment.[/quote]

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