My DD keeps yelling that life isn’t fair

[Anonymous]

My DD (8) is yelling at me (again) because she feels things aren’t fair between she and her siblings. This happens at least once a day. Revoking privileges, time-outs, etc aren’t working.

I’m thinking about trying to make life more fair for her. I mean, it’s not fair that we live in a multi-million dollar house when some people have nothing. It’s not fair that we had salmon and vegetable omelets when others had nothing. It’s not fair that we go to the ballet, nice restaurants, and great vacations.

I’m looking for ideas to help her see ho live is extremely unfair in her favor.

I grew up working and contributing to the needed income. I was physically and sexually abused as a kid. I was so dirty in early elementary school, my teachers would call to remind my parents to bathe me. My DD has an amazing life yet regularly yells about things not being fair - and for stupid things like her brother got to stir the oatmeal and she didn’t, etc.

[Anonymous]

Well…it isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she’s right and go about your business.

[Anonymous]

Oooooh is she a Libra? It's clear justice is an important value to her. That's a great trait to have. You might try acknowledging that and asking her how she would change things to make them more just.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask her to help you come up with a system to make things more fair? So you rotate who gets to pick the movie, or every time more than one kid wants to stir the oatmeal you draw straws.

Life isn’t fair, she’s right. We do our best to make it fair where we can.

But in general I think this is a kid who might be feeling like she isn’t important. Can you help her feel valued and special, and see if her feeling of unfairness lessens?

When my kid said “it’s not fair!” I’d acknowledge he was right. It’s not fair. Then I’d ask him to problem solve - did he have a solution that was fair, and not just advantaging himself? If he had one we tried it.

[Anonymous]

This is basically what one would expect from an 8-year old. Some privileged adults can’t accept that life isn’t fair and yell about it too. We say those people are acting like children because that’s what children do.

The only thing I can see that your child is doing wrong is yelling at you. She is probably overwhelmed emotionally and needs help regulating her emotions.

If you want her to be more grateful about what she has, rather than time-outs and privileges, I would make sure she is learning about how life is for most people in the world. Get her some books, watch a documentary, volunteer, travel, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you ask her to help you come up with a system to make things more fair? So you rotate who gets to pick the movie, or every time more than one kid wants to stir the oatmeal you draw straws.

Life isn’t fair, she’s right. We do our best to make it fair where we can.

But in general I think this is a kid who might be feeling like she isn’t important. Can you help her feel valued and special, and see if her feeling of unfairness lessens?

When my kid said “it’s not fair!” I’d acknowledge he was right. It’s not fair. Then I’d ask him to problem solve - did he have a solution that was fair, and not just advantaging himself? If he had one we tried it.

OP here. Thank you. I bet you’re right about this.

[Anonymous]

Need ages of her and the siblings. As for meal choices, ask for input from all the kids when planning your weekly meals. Maybe she needs some 1 on 1 time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need ages of her and the siblings. As for meal choices, ask for input from all the kids when planning your weekly meals. Maybe she needs some 1 on 1 time with you.

Her little brothers are 4 and 6. They probably do get more attention; especially the 4 yr old. But the screaming is over the top.

[Anonymous]

Do you do anything where she interacts with those less fortunate than herself? Our Church does monthly sandwich making for a local place that provides meals to the needy for example. Our Church also provides bags of food to a local elem with a high farms rate when they have school breaks. You could find an organization that donates supplies to kids in hospital and help out with that. There are many ideas out there for her to see first hand she doesn’t have it so bad. Having said that, it can be hard being the eldest. Does she get to do anything that they don’t? Like stay up later at bedtime?

[Anonymous]

I've taken a few approaches:

-I would not try to make things "more fair". Life isn't fair and trying to carefully balance everything is hopeless and will not stop the complaining, it will just work you into knots

-I would try to build some time-in for the 8 year old where it's just you or her other parent and the kid and she sets the agenda. If you haven't already, I would establish some special big kid privlidges that only she gets and make sure she knows she gets to do certain things because she is 8. I've found How to Talk So Kids Will Listen helpful in terms of finding practical ways to build a positive relationship with a kid who has difficult behaviors

-For the gratitude piece, kids learn from observing, so if she hears you expressing gratitude every day for your nice comfortable home, tasty food, helpful children (no matter how small the effort), kind people in your life, I really do think kids internalize that. The "you have so much you should be grateful" approach does not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need ages of her and the siblings. As for meal choices, ask for input from all the kids when planning your weekly meals. Maybe she needs some 1 on 1 time with you.

Her little brothers are 4 and 6. They probably do get more attention; especially the 4 yr old. But the screaming is over the top.

There’s your answer right there. Even how you respond to her when she’s trying to get your attention. It sounds like she’d rather have negative attention than be ignored.

You should read Siblings Without Rivalry and implement it.

[Anonymous]

Also try asking her what “fair” is. I’m sure it has nothing to do with your amazing house and meals. Have a conversation.

[Anonymous]

My 9yo is generally happy with her life but does have her moments. At dinnertime or bedtime we talk about our high, low and thankful for the day. You have to have a high and a thankful. You don’t have to have a low. One day I said I was thankful we have a yard with a tree in it so we could watch the birds on our birdfeeder. This started a conversation about how not everyone had a yard and some people live in apartments. Another time, it was hot and I said my thankful was having AC. This started a conversation on how not everyone had AC etc. Even your 4yo can join in with this. Your DD could say her low is that she didn’t get to stir the oatmeal or whatever she feels her low is for the day…. She gets to verbalize it but also had to think of a high and thankful. It may make them all more appreciative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also try asking her what “fair” is. I’m sure it has nothing to do with your amazing house and meals. Have a conversation.

+100

Op - you're completely missing her point and that is driving her even more crazy.

She probably feels her younger siblings get away with a lot more things. She probably feels that she's got the burden of xyz when her siblings dont. And the list goes on.

Why do younger siblings get to eat preyzel snack before dinner, yet when she asks for something you snap at her and deny her telling her it's too close to meal time? Why do she have to eat bland dried out salmon when you make the 4 yr old Mac n cheese? Why does she have to help get shoes on her sibings' feet in the morning rush? Why does she have to clean up the lego mess when she didn't even play with them?

Is this what it's about Op ? ^^