My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son did not get into the schools we expected either. He was not very jazzed about his options once all the votes were counted but we scheduled admitted student day visits at all oft them and prepared to make a rational logical decision with the reality of his options. At the third school we visited, he had an amazing visit, was able to go out with some current students at night (we knew some friends kids there) and came home that night and said he was 100% going there and cancelled the rest of the visits. It just clicked with him once he was there and amongst the students. Having a student connect does make a big difference but his aspirations for top schools (and he has nothing short of brilliant academically) just evaporated in face of real world experiences that he enjoyed. He is very excited to go to this school to the degree that he pulled his ivy and #1 pick (non-ivy) school waitlist offers.

So happy for him! I wish admitted students events included overnight experiences like they did pre-Covid. I think that casual time with current students would’ve helped my son feel more excited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC committed and we’ve been trying to show our excitement for him, but he is unhappy and says he should have applied to different schools and didn’t like any of his choices in the end. He is a great student, strong test scores etc, and worked so hard and was so engaged in school. He seems deflated now. Basically he did all this work and for what. This part is immature, but he also has a few classmates going to the same school as him and he says they are lesser students (purely from an academic standpoint) so that likewise makes him feel like he should have aimed higher because he’s now ended up in the same place as them. On one hand, I understand — if money were no object he could’ve gone full pay to a more prestigious school (whatever that even means) but we were upfront with him that without merit we could not pay $75k/year and we’re opposed to significant loan obligations. Ultimately that led him to a top 50-60ish school (honors college) and we’ll get him out with no debt. I do believe he’ll be happy, but am just bummed that he is bummed.

Anyway, just feeling a bit sad that he is sad. Any other parents experiencing this with their kids? I’m also wondering if any parents of kids who are finishing their freshman year felt like this a year ago and can provide some perspective? Thanks.

Can your student make a deposit, take a gap year, and apply to some schools that may excite him? Worst case he lands at this school one year later, but can take his shot at applying to different schools.

[Anonymous]

Does your son have aspirations to attend graduate school? My child didn't get into her top choice either but has found a way to embrace another good option. She wants to go to graduate school. I explained that your job now is to get a solid undergraduate education embrace the opportunity. The door has been cracked open, now it's what you do with it that matters. If you do your best, then you could have your pick of graduate programs. Applying to graduate school is an entirely different ball game. My kid has embraced this thinking.

What does your son want long term? How will doing well at this undergrad school him him get there? Stop focusing on what he didn't get and start focusing on the opportunity he has right now if he's willing to seize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your son have aspirations to attend graduate school? My child didn't get into her top choice either but has found a way to embrace another good option. She wants to go to graduate school. I explained that your job now is to get a solid undergraduate education embrace the opportunity. The door has been cracked open, now it's what you do with it that matters. If you do your best, then you could have your pick of graduate programs. Applying to graduate school is an entirely different ball game. My kid has embraced this thinking.

What does your son want long term? How will doing well at this undergrad school him him get there? Stop focusing on what he didn't get and start focusing on the opportunity he has right now if he's willing to seize it.

Is it though? I went to a top medical school and then top residency and the make-up of the student body at both programs is NOTHING like it was when I was there 20 years ago. These schools/programs are also admitting a large percentage of their classes based on diversity (first gen, racial, economic, geographic, etc). They're not admitting on academic merit either.

My top residency class did not admit a SINGLE while male for the incoming class that just completed the residency match--quite striking as there were probably 20 white males when I was there. I'm not a white male either and feel that it's a very good thing to diversify the program and medicine in general. However, I just wanted to point out that the new world of admissions does not stop at undergraduate these days.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing you are already doing this (hence you are venting on a an anon board) but continue on with a brave face. You as a parent can set the tone.

An honors college and aid is so exciting! You must be so proud! So many kids out there don’t get that choice and your kid does. I mean this sincerely. Buy the sweatshirt. Enjoy the end of his senior year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s anything OP can do now but be supportive, express enthusiasm (not sympathy) about the school her kid will attend, and get the kid thinking ahead to his summer job and fall plans.

You can’t raise a kid to aim for a top 20 school and send him to a public or private school full of other kids mostly grasping for a brass ring and not expect him to feel disappointment that he’s not won the lottery. At some level OP’s kid feels like he let OP down, and he’s going to have to work out his feelings on his own schedule.

Any parent who is "raising a kid to aim for a top 20 school" is doing them a disservice.

Raise your kid to do their best, and be proud when they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your son have aspirations to attend graduate school? My child didn't get into her top choice either but has found a way to embrace another good option. She wants to go to graduate school. I explained that your job now is to get a solid undergraduate education embrace the opportunity. The door has been cracked open, now it's what you do with it that matters. If you do your best, then you could have your pick of graduate programs. Applying to graduate school is an entirely different ball game. My kid has embraced this thinking.

What does your son want long term? How will doing well at this undergrad school him him get there? Stop focusing on what he didn't get and start focusing on the opportunity he has right now if he's willing to seize it.

Is it though? I went to a top medical school and then top residency and the make-up of the student body at both programs is NOTHING like it was when I was there 20 years ago. These schools/programs are also admitting a large percentage of their classes based on diversity (first gen, racial, economic, geographic, etc). They're not admitting on academic merit either.

My top residency class did not admit a SINGLE while male for the incoming class that just completed the residency match--quite striking as there were probably 20 white males when I was there. I'm not a white male either and feel that it's a very good thing to diversify the program and medicine in general. However, I just wanted to point out that the new world of admissions does not stop at undergraduate these days.

Very interesting. I think it's time to fight back. They cannot ask you to prove things like race. Let's all start doing a little more "identifying as" with races that are more socially acceptable. This removes the power or systemic racism from universities.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I get it. The best thing he can do is go to an Admitted Students event or orientation and start making connections with the community. I remember feeling similarly to him. My parents didn't have the means to pay for me to go to my dream school (which looking back was a weird one that only a 17 year old would have thought was a good fit haha). But I got a full ride at a small LAC and went to orientation week over the summer. I met 2 of my best college friends and it completely changed my perspective.

In the mean time, be there for him but give him the space to grieve his dream of what college would be. This has always been a time of transition and uncertainty for many kids (even pre-covid). Even kids who are excited about their school have a rollercoaster of emotions about moving on from everything they have known. Encourage him to participate in all the end-of-high school traditions. Make some fun summer plans. Buy some fun stuff for his dorm room. Be fully present with him and fun when you can. This time will pass! Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Ugh. This idea that the OP’s son is somehow more qualified than the other students is just so pathetic. You have NO idea what those other students brought to the table - grades, test scores, ECs, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DC committed and we’ve been trying to show our excitement for him, but he is unhappy and says he should have applied to different schools and didn’t like any of his choices in the end. He is a great student, strong test scores etc, and worked so hard and was so engaged in school. He seems deflated now. Basically he did all this work and for what. This part is immature, but he also has a few classmates going to the same school as him and he says they are lesser students (purely from an academic standpoint) so that likewise makes him feel like he should have aimed higher because he’s now ended up in the same place as them. On one hand, I understand — if money were no object he could’ve gone full pay to a more prestigious school (whatever that even means) but we were upfront with him that without merit we could not pay $75k/year and we’re opposed to significant loan obligations. Ultimately that led him to a top 50-60ish school (honors college) and we’ll get him out with no debt. I do believe he’ll be happy, but am just bummed that he is bummed.

Anyway, just feeling a bit sad that he is sad. Any other parents experiencing this with their kids? I’m also wondering if any parents of kids who are finishing their freshman year felt like this a year ago and can provide some perspective? Thanks.

This is pretty typical for this point in senior year. The kids are aware - even if only subliminally and not consciously - that they’re about to leave their whole lives, as they’ve known then, behind including all or almost all of the people who’ve been important to them. There are a lot of separation issues even if they’re expressed ad “I should have applied somewhere else.” That’s not the issue. The excitement will come later when he gets to school, but this will be a tough summer.

OP - it’s this! Committing to a school closes the “before college” chapter of their life, and they are about to close the HS chapter. There is a lot of uncertainty about this transition and kids don’t necessarily understand why they are feeling negative. It’s not the school, it’s just this moment. Your job right now is to help your kid focus on finishing HS and celebrating accomplishments. Assure them that once summer hits and they start packing and planning that their excitement for their school will grow. Don’t wallow in the sadness now with them.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom of a freshman. OP, I think if you leave it alone and don't feed into it, your son's feelings will even out over time.

As for you, just ride it out. I get it that for you, the big stress is over and what an accomplishment! --and it's frustrating that your kid is not basking in it, which takes the fun out of it for you. FWIW,

But please, don't feed it. My friend's mom jumps whenever her kid complains. He was a 2020 grad. He accepted School A, then changed his mind and accepted School B, then A, then B, then took a gap year. Then this last fall, went to school B, then over winter break, transferred to School A. After spring he transferred back to School B. He's currently at School B but complaining and my friend is looking at local School C.

First of all, I am *shocked* that all this could happen over and over like this, (but the two schools are not selective). But this is clearly some sort of mom-son enmeshed situation. Instead of just listening to her son complain, she gets on the phone with admissions or whatever and changes whatever he is complaining about. Fundamentally not understanding that there will always be a complaint, therefore the job is to listen, not to fix the complaint.

The latest is he is complaining about his roommate. Apparently the roommate goes to bed at 11pm and requests that he study down the hall if after 11pm so the lights are off in the room. Son said that it's lonely down the hall by himself. Mom asked me if that was worth her getting her son's roommate switched out, because going to bed at 11pm was "not college-like behavior."

(She and I live in different worlds, that's for sure.) I just told her that it was reasonable behavior, and it's a good problem to have vs wild hours and drinking etc, and if her son wanted to study at night, to go down the hall.

[Anonymous]

I am the mom of a college freshman who got accepted REA to her top choice, and then also had great additional choices RD. She along with many of her friends all had some form of buyer's remorse come May 2, and as PP said, the best thing we could do was encourage her to enjoy the end of senior year and the summer.
Freshman fall was not easy, adjusting to living with a roommate, scheduling meals as to not to have to eat alone, managing classes etc. DD's good friend ended up at UVA as a Jefferson Scholar and there was a time in the fall when DD wondered whether it would have been better to be at a Honors College/program instead of just another freshman.

Please celebrate your son and encourage him to enjoy the next few months! And he will have friends who will be feeling the same as soon as they commit to one school and give up their other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom of a freshman. OP, I think if you leave it alone and don't feed into it, your son's feelings will even out over time.

As for you, just ride it out. I get it that for you, the big stress is over and what an accomplishment! --and it's frustrating that your kid is not basking in it, which takes the fun out of it for you. FWIW,

But please, don't feed it. My friend's mom jumps whenever her kid complains. He was a 2020 grad. He accepted School A, then changed his mind and accepted School B, then A, then B, then took a gap year. Then this last fall, went to school B, then over winter break, transferred to School A. After spring he transferred back to School B. He's currently at School B but complaining and my friend is looking at local School C.

First of all, I am *shocked* that all this could happen over and over like this, (but the two schools are not selective). But this is clearly some sort of mom-son enmeshed situation. Instead of just listening to her son complain, she gets on the phone with admissions or whatever and changes whatever he is complaining about. Fundamentally not understanding that there will always be a complaint, therefore the job is to listen, not to fix the complaint.

The latest is he is complaining about his roommate. Apparently the roommate goes to bed at 11pm and requests that he study down the hall if after 11pm so the lights are off in the room. Son said that it's lonely down the hall by himself. Mom asked me if that was worth her getting her son's roommate switched out, because going to bed at 11pm was "not college-like behavior."

(She and I live in different worlds, that's for sure.) I just told her that it was reasonable behavior, and it's a good problem to have vs wild hours and drinking etc, and if her son wanted to study at night, to go down the hall.

This poor boy!!!! He will never learn to function in life if his mom keeps jumping in to "fix" everything.

[Anonymous]

Mine had to pick between a full pay T10 he loved and a half pay T20 he didn’t like, he picked more affordable one to avoid risking our retirement. It did suck initially but he ended up adjusting well and loved his college experience. He had free ride to state school so knew he is picking middle path and we are supporting as much as we can, not sacrificing his happiness.

[Anonymous]

It still pulls on my heart when i hear of the school we couldn’t afford for him.