My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?
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Anonymous
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DC committed and we’ve been trying to show our excitement for him, but he is unhappy and says he should have applied to different schools and didn’t like any of his choices in the end. He is a great student, strong test scores etc, and worked so hard and was so engaged in school. He seems deflated now. Basically he did all this work and for what. This part is immature, but he also has a few classmates going to the same school as him and he says they are lesser students (purely from an academic standpoint) so that likewise makes him feel like he should have aimed higher because he’s now ended up in the same place as them. On one hand, I understand — if money were no object he could’ve gone full pay to a more prestigious school (whatever that even means) but we were upfront with him that without merit we could not pay $75k/year and we’re opposed to significant loan obligations. Ultimately that led him to a top 50-60ish school (honors college) and we’ll get him out with no debt. I do believe he’ll be happy, but am just bummed that he is bummed.
Anyway, just feeling a bit sad that he is sad. Any other parents experiencing this with their kids? I’m also wondering if any parents of kids who are finishing their freshman year felt like this a year ago and can provide some perspective? Thanks. |
Anonymous
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I remember the sting of being rejected by the 2 ivies I applied to. I got into a very good LAC, and I knew it was a good school. It still hurt for a little while, though.
In the end, it was a really great place for me. I wound up where I belonged. I absolutely understand having to be reasonable about cost. We have some money in 529s, but we’ll be lucky if that lasts through child 1 at a public in VA. No way we will qualify for aid, and I really don’t want to saddle us or her with loans. On the plus side, our second child is 8 years younger, so we have a little more time? But omg, I want to cry about the costs |
Anonymous
| I'm so sorry. Are there any honors type programs that might help? Maybe remind him that there will be a range at every school, even top schools. When we toured Dartmouth, the money and privilege of many of the families were palpable. Much moreso than any aptitude of the kids. Not making a statement on all D kids, just an observation of some privilege. In a mid tier, it is more likely that intellect and work ethic will help him shine and stand out. They will have some impressive faculty where he goes as well as some similarly high achieving students. He will hopefully find great professors and peers to encourage his journey and have a wonderful experience. All the best! |
Anonymous
| Mine is in the same boat |
Anonymous
| Remind him that he’ll do much better at his school than the classmates will that he’s referring to. He can be an entirely different academic peer group there, even if they’re at the same giant school. |
Anonymous
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There is much to be said for being a big fish in a small pond! He will get more attention from professors, get stronger recommendations from them, etc.
Also, there are perks to being in an honors college, perks that regular students don't get, such as priority registration for courses and the like. The perks vary across institutions. |
Anonymous
| Maybe he should look at The Common Data Set and see all the other enrolled students who have similar stats as him. |
Anonymous
Just remember its self-worth that matters and you don't get it by comparing yourself to others. |
Anonymous
Beat me to it. I find it more than a little amusing that the OP and OP's son feel that he's somehow more qualified than the other hardworking students who were also admitted. So typical. 
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Anonymous
Op here - yes we did that and he knows too. Please don’t be critical like this - I said I know he’s going to a good school and he knows that on some level too. I’m just saying he is expressing sadness, borderline depressed, and it makes me feel sad. Not looking to be bashed. |
Anonymous
| Maybe it would help for him to meet other cool people who attend/will be attending the school who aren’t his classmates? Admitted students weekend, FB group, etc. |
Anonymous
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OP, what schools did you and your spouse go to? Or your parents/siblings/aunts & uncles? Are there non-elite schools among them? Would it help to remind him about people he loves who did just fine in life at non-elite schools?
Hugs. My DC also did not get into any of their top 5 choices, including one they were a legacy at, and despite a rigorous class schedule, top scores, great ECs. None of the ones they did get into feel quite right, though overall they are fine schools. So feelings here are also kind of muted. But it will be okay. |
Anonymous
| There will be more accomplished kids at the school who actually wanted to go there in the first place and that will provide perspective. |
Anonymous
What different schools, would there really have been the money to go there and would it really change his job outcome? When he gets to his first job after college, unless he works for a small business started by alumni of his university, chances are that there will be people that went to all different colleges. I noticed in my first job out of college that the local offices recruited heavily from nearby schools including state flagships so if it’s the NJ office, there might have employees that graduated from Rutgers as well as from NYU and the Colorado location will have University of Colorado-Boulder grads. So while I enjoyed going to a top school and I think it prepared me well for my career, it didn’t really make a big difference once I got in the door. As for money, my child had similar monetary constraints and had to focus on schools that offered merit. Early decision could not be part of the application strategy and state schools that were not public ivies (hoping for honor programs to make it feel smaller) had to be part of it. I was also upfront in saying they always had the option to consider ROTC to help pay for college, apply to outside scholarships, and/or work toward getting into a more prestigious grad school program someday. |
Anonymous
| Your son is also going to the honors program at this college and his “lesser” classmates are not - that’s a marked difference. Your son will also get there and realize there are other “equal” peers at the school, that will be a good thing for gaining some perspective and maybe taking his ego down a notch. I feel for him but honors college at a top 50 school with merit is something he should be proud of… the fact that he was walking away disappointed makes me hate the culture of the DMV. |