My DC committed but is not happy - anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. I know your kid is feeling disappointed, but it’s better to learn the lesson that life isn’t fair now vs. later. There will ALWAYS be someone seemingly less deserving who gets the better job, promotion, nicer house, etc. Don’t let the feelings of jealousy and bitterness tarnish your own accomplishments. Comparison is the thief of joy.

I hope your kid will find his tribe and thrive no matter where he goes. The school name doesn’t matter as much as what you do while there.

+1

It’s tough to see kids upset but this is a great learning opportunity for him. It’s ok for kids to be disappointed and process those feelings. You don’t have to make it better for him.

Life doesn’t always pan out like we expect so you have to roll with the punches.

[Anonymous]

Unfair does not equal unjust. I have two ivy leagues degrees and The Man still has his foot on my neck!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - thanks for the mostly kind words. To clarify, we are proud of our child's accomplishments and we did not push him to attend the best school possible - in fact, our greatest emphasis to him was less on the academics and more on where he would fit and be happy. There have been moments in the past day or so where he's had a smile back on his face and that's made us happy. I did not mean for the post to look down on any other students attending the same school. I simply expressed DC's initial thoughts, and for anyone with high schoolers, you know they can say things that they don't truly mean. We've told him there are going to be tons of smart kids at his school (which would be the same for any school, regardless of how they're supposedly rank (side note - I absolutely hate all the US News, Forbes, Niche, etc. rankings - they have their place, but there is far too much weight put on them in the DMV enclave - whether a school is ranked 25 or 75 in US News is not going to matter in the long run, probably not even in the short run).

I also think DC feels to some extent that we made him choose the school that he committed to, and I get it in some way. We had upfront discussions about our parameters, i.e., this was our price range, and we wanted him to stay on the East coast (preferably driving distance from the DMV, but that didn't even bear out). At the end of the day, his acceptances and rejections based on those parameters basically left him with no choice that he loved and so he settled on this school (and I don't even like to use the word "settle"). So, from that standpoint, it feels like we made him go to this school, but he has also made that statement to us in sort of a nagging way to see if he elicits a response. Maybe it's his hedge way of being able to blame us if he's ultimately not happy.

Lastly, DC also realizes that many of his friends were given no choice whatsoever - if they got into UMD (as he did also), then they were going to UMD. My guess is that 25% of his class is headed there. There's nothing wrong with a parent saying that to a child either, as long as it's said upfront.

Anyway, thanks.

I hope your DS ends up happy, and I'm sure he probably will. It's too late now for your family, but I hope others reading this will give more thought to pressuring kids to apply to schools based on location preference of the parents. The money situation I understand, and that is fair to state up front what you can or are willing to pay and make that be a determining factor -- it is your money, after all.

But I really don't understand a parent telling a 17/18 year old to limit their applications to a certain geographic range. It happened to me, and I resented it. But I was able to resist the pressure to stay local through some encouragement of another family member, and applied anyway to a school halfway across the country that miraculously gave me full funding. Best thing I ever did. If a kid is interested in going somewhere distant, support them if you can. It's a great opportunity for growth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - thanks for the mostly kind words. To clarify, we are proud of our child's accomplishments and we did not push him to attend the best school possible - in fact, our greatest emphasis to him was less on the academics and more on where he would fit and be happy. There have been moments in the past day or so where he's had a smile back on his face and that's made us happy. I did not mean for the post to look down on any other students attending the same school. I simply expressed DC's initial thoughts, and for anyone with high schoolers, you know they can say things that they don't truly mean. We've told him there are going to be tons of smart kids at his school (which would be the same for any school, regardless of how they're supposedly rank (side note - I absolutely hate all the US News, Forbes, Niche, etc. rankings - they have their place, but there is far too much weight put on them in the DMV enclave - whether a school is ranked 25 or 75 in US News is not going to matter in the long run, probably not even in the short run).

I also think DC feels to some extent that we made him choose the school that he committed to, and I get it in some way. We had upfront discussions about our parameters, i.e., this was our price range, and we wanted him to stay on the East coast (preferably driving distance from the DMV, but that didn't even bear out). At the end of the day, his acceptances and rejections based on those parameters basically left him with no choice that he loved and so he settled on this school (and I don't even like to use the word "settle"). So, from that standpoint, it feels like we made him go to this school, but he has also made that statement to us in sort of a nagging way to see if he elicits a response. Maybe it's his hedge way of being able to blame us if he's ultimately not happy.

Lastly, DC also realizes that many of his friends were given no choice whatsoever - if they got into UMD (as he did also), then they were going to UMD. My guess is that 25% of his class is headed there. There's nothing wrong with a parent saying that to a child either, as long as it's said upfront.

Anyway, thanks.

I hope your DS ends up happy, and I'm sure he probably will. It's too late now for your family, but I hope others reading this will give more thought to pressuring kids to apply to schools based on location preference of the parents. The money situation I understand, and that is fair to state up front what you can or are willing to pay and make that be a determining factor -- it is your money, after all.

But I really don't understand a parent telling a 17/18 year old to limit their applications to a certain geographic range. It happened to me, and I resented it. But I was able to resist the pressure to stay local through some encouragement of another family member, and applied anyway to a school halfway across the country that miraculously gave me full funding. Best thing I ever did. If a kid is interested in going somewhere distant, support them if you can. It's a great opportunity for growth.

I agree about not limiting applications to a certain geographic region EXCEPT if cost is a major factor. I know several families who've told their kids that they can only afford in-state publics (make too much to qualify for more than nominal need-based aid) and, therefore, any out of state school the student want to apply to can be no more expensive. So if there's not a good chance that the out of state school will offer enough merit aid for her/his stats to equalize the cost, that school is off the list. Makes sense to me.

[Anonymous]

They can transfer after freshman year if they are not happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven’t really read more than a few posts, but try to be optimistic for him. He needs that. Remind him that we all have our own path. This might end up being an amazing school for him. His hard work is inside him. Help him see that the value of his academic career this far lies in knowing how capable and hard working he is. This will bear fruit no matter where he ends up. Good luck. This too shall pass. Make it so that he will look back and remember how encouraging and positive you were during this time of doubt😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - thanks for the mostly kind words. To clarify, we are proud of our child's accomplishments and we did not push him to attend the best school possible - in fact, our greatest emphasis to him was less on the academics and more on where he would fit and be happy. There have been moments in the past day or so where he's had a smile back on his face and that's made us happy. I did not mean for the post to look down on any other students attending the same school. I simply expressed DC's initial thoughts, and for anyone with high schoolers, you know they can say things that they don't truly mean. We've told him there are going to be tons of smart kids at his school (which would be the same for any school, regardless of how they're supposedly rank (side note - I absolutely hate all the US News, Forbes, Niche, etc. rankings - they have their place, but there is far too much weight put on them in the DMV enclave - whether a school is ranked 25 or 75 in US News is not going to matter in the long run, probably not even in the short run).

I also think DC feels to some extent that we made him choose the school that he committed to, and I get it in some way. We had upfront discussions about our parameters, i.e., this was our price range, and we wanted him to stay on the East coast (preferably driving distance from the DMV, but that didn't even bear out). At the end of the day, his acceptances and rejections based on those parameters basically left him with no choice that he loved and so he settled on this school (and I don't even like to use the word "settle"). So, from that standpoint, it feels like we made him go to this school, but he has also made that statement to us in sort of a nagging way to see if he elicits a response. Maybe it's his hedge way of being able to blame us if he's ultimately not happy.

Lastly, DC also realizes that many of his friends were given no choice whatsoever - if they got into UMD (as he did also), then they were going to UMD. My guess is that 25% of his class is headed there. There's nothing wrong with a parent saying that to a child either, as long as it's said upfront.

Anyway, thanks.

I hope your DS ends up happy, and I'm sure he probably will. It's too late now for your family, but I hope others reading this will give more thought to pressuring kids to apply to schools based on location preference of the parents. The money situation I understand, and that is fair to state up front what you can or are willing to pay and make that be a determining factor -- it is your money, after all.

But I really don't understand a parent telling a 17/18 year old to limit their applications to a certain geographic range. It happened to me, and I resented it. But I was able to resist the pressure to stay local through some encouragement of another family member, and applied anyway to a school halfway across the country that miraculously gave me full funding. Best thing I ever did. If a kid is interested in going somewhere distant, support them if you can. It's a great opportunity for growth.

I agree about not limiting applications to a certain geographic region EXCEPT if cost is a major factor. I know several families who've told their kids that they can only afford in-state publics (make too much to qualify for more than nominal need-based aid) and, therefore, any out of state school the student want to apply to can be no more expensive. So if there's not a good chance that the out of state school will offer enough merit aid for her/his stats to equalize the cost, that school is off the list. Makes sense to me.

So give the max $ amount you will contribute and let the kid drive the decision based on that info.

[Anonymous]

I also don't get the geographic limitation; re finances, I agree with 8:41 just above and the PP above that.

I have the opposite view--now is your chance to explore the US, get out of your childhood bubble. My kid is a first-year college kid and 2,000 miles away, and she thought about coming home for the summer, but I told her (our town) is a bit of a dead end for her--to stay in (college city) or go somewhere else. She now has landed a paid job in her college city for the summer.

As a parent, I miss her and had to put my own feelings of wanting her near aside because I want her to stretch her wings. And I was super-scared that (because of her personality) she would not fledge well. But she stepped up, and I'm glad I didn't make her stay close.

Of course every situation is different. My friend limited her son's college choices to driving distance. A few years prior, they had adopted a boy and he was still little, and they wanted the two sons to bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On my wedding day I was a little sad. I was super excited, in love, making the right choice, etc. I admitted my feelings to my mom and she said, of course you’re a little sad. You’ve chosen a path and every time you do you’ll have a little grief for the path not chosen. That’s totally - let yourself grieve and then go enjoy the amazing path chosen.

Be kind to your son. Picking a college is picking a path.

So sweet, so simple, so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also don't get the geographic limitation; re finances, I agree with 8:41 just above and the PP above that.

I have the opposite view--now is your chance to explore the US, get out of your childhood bubble. My kid is a first-year college kid and 2,000 miles away, and she thought about coming home for the summer, but I told her (our town) is a bit of a dead end for her--to stay in (college city) or go somewhere else. She now has landed a paid job in her college city for the summer.

As a parent, I miss her and had to put my own feelings of wanting her near aside because I want her to stretch her wings. And I was super-scared that (because of her personality) she would not fledge well. But she stepped up, and I'm glad I didn't make her stay close.

Of course every situation is different. My friend limited her son's college choices to driving distance. A few years prior, they had adopted a boy and he was still little, and they wanted the two sons to bond.

Yup. A great chance for these young adults to explore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also don't get the geographic limitation; re finances, I agree with 8:41 just above and the PP above that.

I have the opposite view--now is your chance to explore the US, get out of your childhood bubble. My kid is a first-year college kid and 2,000 miles away, and she thought about coming home for the summer, but I told her (our town) is a bit of a dead end for her--to stay in (college city) or go somewhere else. She now has landed a paid job in her college city for the summer.

As a parent, I miss her and had to put my own feelings of wanting her near aside because I want her to stretch her wings. And I was super-scared that (because of her personality) she would not fledge well. But she stepped up, and I'm glad I didn't make her stay close.

Of course every situation is different. My friend limited her son's college choices to driving distance. A few years prior, they had adopted a boy and he was still little, and they wanted the two sons to bond.

Did they bond? Or did the college age son harbor any resentment?