How many nights to stay when moving kid into dorms? Advice BTDT please

[Anonymous]

Stay like an hour away. Get up and drive to college town. Unload. Do a Target trip and a grocery trip (esp if your kid won't have a car), then you leave and start driving home. Maybe dinner with the kid if there isn't something going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anything wrong with not driving a jam packed car and instead arriving the day or two before and doing the Target/BBB run (assuming they are near the school) once you arrive?

We flew to college, and that's what we did. Having said that, things that college students need, like minifridges and XL sheets are often sold out in college towns on that weekend, so it might be worth putting in an order for in store pick up for Target for those things.

[Anonymous]

D and I are flying in 2 days before. The day after we get there we are doing things like figuring out the metro and last minute shopping. Then he moves in the next day or the next day. I am staying 4 nights total.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone gone on medication temporarily to get through this? I know I sound like a loon but even reading through this is almost giving me a panic attack. I really want DC to be happy and not ruin it with physical manifestations of my emotional heart being ripped out but I cannot see any way to control myself as I have been dreading this for about 10 years. I just get along so well with DC and even though I have other kids I *adore* and a busy job and life, it truly feels like the end of the best years of my life (as a mom having all my kids in my nest) and I mourn it like impending death. And I feel terrible for casting a pall over such an exciting time because while I will be super happy for them, I will be breaking into a million pieces for me.

I will tell you that the anticipation is worse than anything. We have an only, and the 3 of us are extremely close. We also dreaded it for years, the months going into it I just couldn't imagine what it would be like. I did cry the entire way home. But honestly since then (he's a freshman) it's been fine! It's exciting to hear about new classes, new interests, friends clubs majors and know he's where he's supposed to be at this point in his life.

That surpassed everything else. He's happy. We talk a lot (more than we used to, I hear this a lot) and it's fun to see him turn into a really cool person with new experiences.

So just know the anticipation is worse than when it happens.

[Anonymous]

We don't have the drive you have, but I will say that for move-in day, it was unpack, sort, shop, dinner, then leave. I don't think it would have been healthy for him or us to stay in the same town and/or see him the next day. Needed to be a clean break.

[Anonymous]

I was dreading the fall already, before seeing this thread.

[Anonymous]

If possible, I'd try to arrive the day they move in. They will be feeling a bit anxious and that night in a hotel with parents might make that worse. It's not the end of the world if that's how it works, but it's better to arrive and immediately be able to unload the car and start getting them settled. Plus the moving-in part is a logistical puzzle and it's nice for everyone to focus on that, meeting roommates and hall mates, etc. instead of focusing on any emotions that might be going on.

As for how long you stay after they move in, I think they standard is one night. BUT I will admit we stayed two, though we just had dinner on our own that second night while DD went to orientation events, and did a quick bagel on campus that last morning before we headed out.

Why the extra night? Two reasons. The first is that we didn't know the area around her campus or the city that well, and the extra day gave us some time on our own to explore. We will be visiting often over the next few years and we wanted to get to know the area, figure out where we like to stay, identify some cafes and restaurants we like or would be interested in returning to. This takes some of the pressure off DD when we visit. She can suggest things if she wants, but doesn't have to. And we can be a bit more self-sufficient and less reliant on her in terms of how we schedule our own time during visits, especially if she has class or other stuff going on. My parents were always terrible about this when I was young and I would have to stop everything to focus on helping them figure out stuff like where to buy a paper or where my dad could get good coffee, and I was too young to do that kind of hosting well.

The second reason was just in case she had a freak out and needed a last minute pep talk or visit. She's really good at "fake it til you make it" and generally acclimates to new social settings quickly by just pretending she could care less at first. But you never know. This is a big change. She acted pretty chill but she also gave us really intense hugs that last morning before we left. I never regret spending a little more time with my kid. We didn't want to hover or linger too long, but just being in town and having one last goodbye after all the stress and busyness of move in and first meeting people was over was nice.

She's doing great now and whatever homesickness she's had has not made the transition too difficult for her. We talk once a week and text occasionally and she seemed relaxed and happy and proud at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

[Anonymous]

In the big picture, I think this is more a logistical question than anything else, and what to do will depend on travel details and the school's specific move-in process.

Plan time for at least one trip to Target etc. You know your kid. Picky, plan more time for shopping. Doesn't really care, then less time for shopping.

After kid is moved in, there's nothing wrong with leaving right away or the following morning. Whatever makes you more comfortable and works for travel times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone gone on medication temporarily to get through this? I know I sound like a loon but even reading through this is almost giving me a panic attack. I really want DC to be happy and not ruin it with physical manifestations of my emotional heart being ripped out but I cannot see any way to control myself as I have been dreading this for about 10 years. I just get along so well with DC and even though I have other kids I *adore* and a busy job and life, it truly feels like the end of the best years of my life (as a mom having all my kids in my nest) and I mourn it like impending death. And I feel terrible for casting a pall over such an exciting time because while I will be super happy for them, I will be breaking into a million pieces for me.

I will tell you that the anticipation is worse than anything. We have an only, and the 3 of us are extremely close. We also dreaded it for years, the months going into it I just couldn't imagine what it would be like. I did cry the entire way home. But honestly since then (he's a freshman) it's been fine! It's exciting to hear about new classes, new interests, friends clubs majors and know he's where he's supposed to be at this point in his life.

That surpassed everything else. He's happy. We talk a lot (more than we used to, I hear this a lot) and it's fun to see him turn into a really cool person with new experiences.

So just know the anticipation is worse than when it happens.

I second this. We also have an only child and are very close as well. My DD is on the west coast and I thought I'd be a mess. But watching her become an independent adult is amazing, and nothing makes DH and me happier than seeing her thrive. She is so happy, has an amazing group of friends and absolutely LOVES her school. It just makes my heart sing.

And we get to visit sunny California!

Good luck to everyone dropping your DCs for the first time! It's such an emotional, but rewarding experience!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone gone on medication temporarily to get through this? I know I sound like a loon but even reading through this is almost giving me a panic attack. I really want DC to be happy and not ruin it with physical manifestations of my emotional heart being ripped out but I cannot see any way to control myself as I have been dreading this for about 10 years. I just get along so well with DC and even though I have other kids I *adore* and a busy job and life, it truly feels like the end of the best years of my life (as a mom having all my kids in my nest) and I mourn it like impending death. And I feel terrible for casting a pall over such an exciting time because while I will be super happy for them, I will be breaking into a million pieces for me.

I will tell you that the anticipation is worse than anything. We have an only, and the 3 of us are extremely close. We also dreaded it for years, the months going into it I just couldn't imagine what it would be like. I did cry the entire way home. But honestly since then (he's a freshman) it's been fine! It's exciting to hear about new classes, new interests, friends clubs majors and know he's where he's supposed to be at this point in his life.

That surpassed everything else. He's happy. We talk a lot (more than we used to, I hear this a lot) and it's fun to see him turn into a really cool person with new experiences.

So just know the anticipation is worse than when it happens.

Thank you for this. I am a divorced mother of an only son and we get along really, really well. I have no romantic partner and no family in town. I have a 10 hour drive home from my first college drop off next fall, by myself, to an empty house.

It's so hard for me to even read these well-meaning suggestions in this thread (quick goodbye then go out to nice dinner with husband! spend night in spa together then drive home! and all the implied 'go on a nice trip' (with your spouse) ....) They all make sense. But, I don't know a single person in my situation and I'm already in a lot of pain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is the hotel non refundable?

Not OP but a lot of hotels near colleges have a # of minimum nights and/or are prepaid/non refundable surrounding major college events: move in/out, graduation, parents’ weekend, big games (if a football/basketball school)

Colleges don’t line item these costs

[Anonymous]

"Thank you for this. I am a divorced mother of an only son and we get along really, really well. I have no romantic partner and no family in town. I have a 10 hour drive home from my first college drop off next fall, by myself, to an empty house.

It's so hard for me to even read these well-meaning suggestions in this thread (quick goodbye then go out to nice dinner with husband! spend night in spa together then drive home! and all the implied 'go on a nice trip' (with your spouse) ....) They all make sense. But, I don't know a single person in my situation and I'm already in a lot of pain"

Me too! I'm definitely going to need to put a plan in place. Might take my sister along for moral support.

[Anonymous]

One night. We did an 8 hr drive the day before.

In morning, unpacked, then had lunch. Walked around with family friend and left at 3pm. Drove half way, spent night and rest the next day. I recommend not to linger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone gone on medication temporarily to get through this? I know I sound like a loon but even reading through this is almost giving me a panic attack. I really want DC to be happy and not ruin it with physical manifestations of my emotional heart being ripped out but I cannot see any way to control myself as I have been dreading this for about 10 years. I just get along so well with DC and even though I have other kids I *adore* and a busy job and life, it truly feels like the end of the best years of my life (as a mom having all my kids in my nest) and I mourn it like impending death. And I feel terrible for casting a pall over such an exciting time because while I will be super happy for them, I will be breaking into a million pieces for me.

I will tell you that the anticipation is worse than anything. We have an only, and the 3 of us are extremely close. We also dreaded it for years, the months going into it I just couldn't imagine what it would be like. I did cry the entire way home. But honestly since then (he's a freshman) it's been fine! It's exciting to hear about new classes, new interests, friends clubs majors and know he's where he's supposed to be at this point in his life.

That surpassed everything else. He's happy. We talk a lot (more than we used to, I hear this a lot) and it's fun to see him turn into a really cool person with new experiences.

So just know the anticipation is worse than when it happens.

My thoughts exactly. The anticipation was so much worse. I love hearing what he's doing now, such a fun chapter.

[Anonymous]

Say goodbye once. I would say do that the day you move them in.

Your goal should be to make sure they are fully available (both mentally and in terms of commitments to you) to attend all events for incoming freshmen.

If you need to sleep over (which it sounds like you do, for safe driving), then treat yourselves to a nice place in town or nearby that evening. You might be processing a lot of emotions. You could also focus on the fact that you will have more time together as a couple moving forward.