Both partners have high level jobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people have kids and then outsource 90% of the childcare to strangers.

I wish parents had outsourced 90% of childcare to strangers. Sadly, they couldn't afford it so I was stuck with them and worse off for it.

The two options aren't outsource everything or be unhappy, bad parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people flaunt how well they can do it but announce divorce within 5-10 years and tell how difficult it was.

This is so true it’s actually become a cliche. But the first thing that goes out the door in these situations is self care, including any hobby you might have previously enjoyed. Then time with friends. Then time spent working on the marriage.

Those three things are the grease that keep everything else running smoothly (kids, work, family, house stuff etc.).

Turns out, most people need some amount of downtime for self, friends, relationship.

[Anonymous]

SAHM here. You want the job so do it. Hire any help you need and don't look back. I never had a dream job but had mine been available I would not have considered giving it up to stay home if I had healthy, neurotypical kids. Kids are strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry didn't see it but how old are your kids? I dunno, two demanding inflexible jobs and three kids sounds like a recipe for disaster. I assume right now you guys make in the $200s so the question is what does the extra money get you and is it worth the added stress? My bet is no, it's not. It's not just the day to day but the other stuff that comes up. COVID has been a childcare nightmare as I'm sure it's been for you with your current job esp since no backup care place will come to the house if your kids are sick.

You could explore your DH stepping back as you step up.

OP here - DH can't step back. He is a partner in a law firm. We make around $500k HHI right now. it is not about the money. It is about the job opportunity and career advancement for me.

[Anonymous]

We have been double biglaw as long as we have been parents.

1) we have an au pair. Contrary to what in this thread claim, she is not a “stranger.”

2) we have local grandparents. They are also not strangers.

3) we get pickup/drop off laundry service and twice weekly housekeeping. That’s all we really outsource, but the laundry specifically is huge. The housekeepers put things away after they’re dropped off.

I was raised by divorced parents with 50/50 custody and I see my kids way way way more than I saw my parents. People get so worked up about this but honestly I spend tons of time with my kids especially since I work from home 3+ days a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people flaunt how well they can do it but announce divorce within 5-10 years and tell how difficult it was.

This is so true it’s actually become a cliche. But the first thing that goes out the door in these situations is self care, including any hobby you might have previously enjoyed. Then time with friends. Then time spent working on the marriage.

Those three things are the grease that keep everything else running smoothly (kids, work, family, house stuff etc.).

Turns out, most people need some amount of downtime for self, friends, relationship.

I am a sahm now. When I was working, I had no time for myself. I was exhausted all the time. I felt I wasn’t putting my all at work or at home. I had no time for friends or my husband. I felt my kids were missing out on play dates. All I did was work, rush home to get kids ready for dinner and bed. My one kid did one sport and it was so hard to get my kid to soccer. I know I could have outsourced this but I wanted to take my kid to soccer.

I have 3 kids now and they all play multiple sports and have a very active social life. I have a lot of friends. I also work out almost daily and am more fit now than when I had my first kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been double biglaw as long as we have been parents.

1) we have an au pair. Contrary to what in this thread claim, she is not a “stranger.”

2) we have local grandparents. They are also not strangers.

3) we get pickup/drop off laundry service and twice weekly housekeeping. That’s all we really outsource, but the laundry specifically is huge. The housekeepers put things away after they’re dropped off.

I was raised by divorced parents with 50/50 custody and I see my kids way way way more than I saw my parents. People get so worked up about this but honestly I spend tons of time with my kids especially since I work from home 3+ days a week.

I would not want someone living in my house but that is just me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been double biglaw as long as we have been parents.

1) we have an au pair. Contrary to what in this thread claim, she is not a “stranger.”

2) we have local grandparents. They are also not strangers.

3) we get pickup/drop off laundry service and twice weekly housekeeping. That’s all we really outsource, but the laundry specifically is huge. The housekeepers put things away after they’re dropped off.

I was raised by divorced parents with 50/50 custody and I see my kids way way way more than I saw my parents. People get so worked up about this but honestly I spend tons of time with my kids especially since I work from home 3+ days a week.

I would not want someone living in my house but that is just me.

Lots of people feel that way. But even for a live-out nanny—they are not a “stranger.” That’s so silly.

[Anonymous]

It's a shame that these great jobs are all or nothing. That they can't be 4 days a week. Or get out right at 4 or 5pm and having nothing until the next morning. I would love to work my dream job but the hours are insane. I just wish the working conditions were better for mothers - or anybody really - because they ask for your soul in many of these.

[Anonymous]

I'm a CEO and DH is a Director at a large firm. Occasionally he has had to go part-time when my work has gotten very busy and we felt the kids needed more attention. When we both return to the office in the fall we will have help after school. We have someone come clear every other week, have groceries and meal kits (blue apron or Territory if we're watching things) delivered and we travel whenever we can to optimize time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a CEO and DH is a Director at a large firm. Occasionally he has had to go part-time when my work has gotten very busy and we felt the kids needed more attention. When we both return to the office in the fall we will have help after school. We have someone come clear every other week, have groceries and meal kits (blue apron or Territory if we're watching things) delivered and we travel whenever we can to optimize time together.

Op here - thanks that is what I am thinking we would need as well.

[Anonymous]

We’re finance and law. 1 toddler and 1 on the way. HHI is $1M+, with me individually $200k+. How we make it work:

Nanny 45 hours per week; monthly date nights.
Cleaning 2x per month
Dry cleaning picked up/delivered to home
Groceries and household items delivered via Amazon Fresh/Subscribe and Save
Occasional meal delivery
I have really, really high executive functioning skills. This is critical.
Max 2 kids; 3 kids and 2 big careers would be tough if not impossible.

And…I’m not working at the most competitive job that I could probably get. DH and I met in school and we were total ambitious go getters. I ended up pivoting in house and am senior enough that I set my own schedule (run a team, go in 1x per week, delegate, block of no meeting times so I can do random kid/life things). I really enjoy my job, and love my flexibility, though I know I could be doing something more high flying and higher paying. But our family would break if I worked 60 hours per week and traveled 25%. My ego wants that to some degree, but my practical mind knows it’s not possible. I’m also not really comfortable outsourcing much more of childcare. So I’ve chosen to bloom where I am planted!

[Anonymous]

You have spouse, job and kids so they add value to your life but your life is still your #1 priority. You need to put oxygen mask on so you can help others. Its not a luxury but a necessity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry didn't see it but how old are your kids? I dunno, two demanding inflexible jobs and three kids sounds like a recipe for disaster. I assume right now you guys make in the $200s so the question is what does the extra money get you and is it worth the added stress? My bet is no, it's not. It's not just the day to day but the other stuff that comes up. COVID has been a childcare nightmare as I'm sure it's been for you with your current job esp since no backup care place will come to the house if your kids are sick.

You could explore your DH stepping back as you step up.

OP here - DH can't step back. He is a partner in a law firm. We make around $500k HHI right now. it is not about the money. It is about the job opportunity and career advancement for me.

PP here, ok, so substitute my question about what does the extra money get you to what does the career advancement do for you and is it worth the added stress? I would still bet the answer is no but you didn't answer how old your kids are. We have two regular jobs and even for us it's really stressful when the kids have to stay home for a few days because they had a fever and the daycare makes them get a COVID test. I assume this new job is going to have a steep learning curve so even if the hours don't exceed 50 hours per week it will still be an intense 50 hours of work per week with deadlines that you have to meet. We have bright horizons for backup care and they won't come to the house if the kids are sick, not sure if other backup services have the same restrictions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry didn't see it but how old are your kids? I dunno, two demanding inflexible jobs and three kids sounds like a recipe for disaster. I assume right now you guys make in the $200s so the question is what does the extra money get you and is it worth the added stress? My bet is no, it's not. It's not just the day to day but the other stuff that comes up. COVID has been a childcare nightmare as I'm sure it's been for you with your current job esp since no backup care place will come to the house if your kids are sick.

You could explore your DH stepping back as you step up.

OP here - DH can't step back. He is a partner in a law firm. We make around $500k HHI right now. it is not about the money. It is about the job opportunity and career advancement for me.

PP here, ok, so substitute my question about what does the extra money get you to what does the career advancement do for you and is it worth the added stress? I would still bet the answer is no but you didn't answer how old your kids are. We have two regular jobs and even for us it's really stressful when the kids have to stay home for a few days because they had a fever and the daycare makes them get a COVID test. I assume this new job is going to have a steep learning curve so even if the hours don't exceed 50 hours per week it will still be an intense 50 hours of work per week with deadlines that you have to meet. We have bright horizons for backup care and they won't come to the house if the kids are sick, not sure if other backup services have the same restrictions.

OP here - kids are 2, 5 and 7. Two of the kids are in elementary school and the youngest would probably pivot to a nanny plus part time preschool.