Husband wants to spend the weekend at his parents house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

“Welp, next time you all will know to ask me if I’m going to be there before assuming that I will be there. If you’re so concerned about food waste, put it in the freezer, or bring it home as leftovers.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

OP, trust me, if I had to do it over again I would have just said no twenty-one years ago. My husband has always been just like yours. So worried that I would offend his mother if I didn't go with him every single time he went to his parents' house--two miles down the road. And definitely for stupid reasons like how organized she was and that she plans ahead and had done so counting on me coming. Would have helped to know that before I was aksed. In any event, I started a pattern that I couldn't break. Say no now, set a standarnd and some boundaries. It's not 1960. Men and women have very different roles. Do not set this expectation. Just say no.

NP. No, babe. You CHOSE to allow people to box you into a pattern that you, 100%, could break at any time. It’s called a spine: grow one.

“But but but, then they’d be mad at me!”
So?
“But but but, then they’d complain to me!”
Yes, and?
“But but but, then they’d talk about me behind my back!”
Who gives an eff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL is taking a 2 day trip and wants DH and I to live with FIL so he “won’t be alone.”

I’m annoyed as he lives 25 mins away and is 70 but pretty mobile and able bodied. Can’t we go visit and say hello? Do we have to sleep over for 2 nights?

Seriously? Its 2 *ing nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

Go there to eat and sleep, find chores to do at your home or work for most part of the day time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

OP, trust me, if I had to do it over again I would have just said no twenty-one years ago. My husband has always been just like yours. So worried that I would offend his mother if I didn't go with him every single time he went to his parents' house--two miles down the road. And definitely for stupid reasons like how organized she was and that she plans ahead and had done so counting on me coming. Would have helped to know that before I was aksed. In any event, I started a pattern that I couldn't break. Say no now, set a standarnd and some boundaries. It's not 1960. Men and women have very different roles. Do not set this expectation. Just say no.

This is a wise advice. You don't want to go on a path you don't want to walk on for next 10-20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

Go there to eat and sleep, find chores to do at your home or work for most part of the day time.

If she doesn't want to, she shouldn't have to make excuses. Its her husband's responsibility, not hers. However, if she has good relations with them and wants to do it out of goodness of her heart, that would be a different thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So, I came over to my in laws house on Friday. FIL does need some help taking out the dog and a little with cooking as he has slowed down due to Parkinson’s. Friday, we had dinner and went to bed. I am still recovering from my own abdominal surgery so my belly was a little sore and I went to bed quickly after dinner. They set up SIL’s old room for us and the mattress is so uncomfortable. I complained about how I missed sleeping in my bed and now my husband is mad at me. He says I’ve been a nuisance and don’t understand that he is trying to be a good person and help his dad.

I’m upset because instead of appreciating my company, he is angry at me for understandably being a little uncomfortable at his parents house.

Talk about ungrateful.

It sounds like your husband should have gone and you should have stayed home.

Remember that next time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

OP here. He says his mom bought food for me for the weekend and I am expected to be there so it is rude of me to back out.

Go there to eat and sleep, find chores to do at your home or work for most part of the day time.

Why? OP doesn’t need to disrupt her weekend because three other adults have decided she must. If MIL is so concerned, she can stay home. If DH is so concerned, he can go spend the weekend with his dad. If FIL is so concerned, he can dial 911 in case of an emergency.

[Anonymous]

DH wants her there to make dinner, do the dishes, make up the beds etc.

Wow. As someone else said -- grow a spine!

[Anonymous]

OP, Who does most of the housekeeping at home? You or your DH? How old are you?

[Anonymous]

So OP went despite the majority telling her not to, then instead of earning brownie points she decided to complain and now she is surprised that she isn’t appreciated.
It’s like she did the worst thing possible. So obtuse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So, I came over to my in laws house on Friday. FIL does need some help taking out the dog and a little with cooking as he has slowed down due to Parkinson’s. Friday, we had dinner and went to bed. I am still recovering from my own abdominal surgery so my belly was a little sore and I went to bed quickly after dinner. They set up SIL’s old room for us and the mattress is so uncomfortable. I complained about how I missed sleeping in my bed and now my husband is mad at me. He says I’ve been a nuisance and don’t understand that he is trying to be a good person and help his dad.

I’m upset because instead of appreciating my company, he is angry at me for understandably being a little uncomfortable at his parents house.

Talk about ungrateful.

Talk about BURYING THE EFFING LEAD, OP. Yes, I know I'm all-caps shouting at you.

"He has slowed down due to Parkinson's."

So you didn't bother to put that in the original post? Have you got zero idea about Parkinson's or do you and DH just take for granted that FIL has it and it's no big deal? Or you think MIL always "overreacts" to it so you didn't bother to tell us your FIL has an incurable and debilitating condition?

While your MIL does sound too anxious and your DH absolutely is being a mama's boy to press you to come (he could have handled this weekend alone), do you have SO little understanding of Parkinson's, and so little compassion for an older couple?

My first reaction in your shoes would be to wonder if MIL suspected FIL's Parkinson's was worsening and/or she was concerned that his "little" difficulties cooking could lead to an accident, getting burned, a fire. Or that he'd attempt to take the dog out himself if no one was around or DH turned up late for that chore.

Unless MIL is always asking you and DH to help out with FIL, you are not seeing what is really going on. You have a family member with Parkinson's. Sure, in early stages it can be relatively minimal. But what will you do and how will you react when you and DH have a ton more to do to help MIL cope as his Parkinson's progresses? Will you be resentful and angry? Will DH not be able to cope at all on his own if he's needed to help, but will he lean on you and make you mad?

Again: DH needs to talk to you about his real concerns here for his dad, and DH needs to stop playing games around the food MIL has bought, etc.

And you need to realize that you are only seeing what's going on this weekend. There are likely years ahead of gradual, or rapid, decline. You and MIL and DH need to have a frank talk about the future and what her REAL concerns about FIL are, and get a plan into place.

From someone whose FIL had Parkinson's. Sorry you're sore and pi$$3d off but you and DH need to look at the longer-term picture here.

[Anonymous]

My MIL and my dad both had Parkinson's, and I don’t see how guilting an IL is any part of a productive solution

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So, I came over to my in laws house on Friday. FIL does need some help taking out the dog and a little with cooking as he has slowed down due to Parkinson’s. Friday, we had dinner and went to bed. I am still recovering from my own abdominal surgery so my belly was a little sore and I went to bed quickly after dinner. They set up SIL’s old room for us and the mattress is so uncomfortable. I complained about how I missed sleeping in my bed and now my husband is mad at me. He says I’ve been a nuisance and don’t understand that he is trying to be a good person and help his dad.

I’m upset because instead of appreciating my company, he is angry at me for understandably being a little uncomfortable at his parents house.

Talk about ungrateful.

Talk about BURYING THE EFFING LEAD, OP. Yes, I know I'm all-caps shouting at you.

"He has slowed down due to Parkinson's."

So you didn't bother to put that in the original post? Have you got zero idea about Parkinson's or do you and DH just take for granted that FIL has it and it's no big deal? Or you think MIL always "overreacts" to it so you didn't bother to tell us your FIL has an incurable and debilitating condition?

While your MIL does sound too anxious and your DH absolutely is being a mama's boy to press you to come (he could have handled this weekend alone), do you have SO little understanding of Parkinson's, and so little compassion for an older couple?

My first reaction in your shoes would be to wonder if MIL suspected FIL's Parkinson's was worsening and/or she was concerned that his "little" difficulties cooking could lead to an accident, getting burned, a fire. Or that he'd attempt to take the dog out himself if no one was around or DH turned up late for that chore.

Unless MIL is always asking you and DH to help out with FIL, you are not seeing what is really going on. You have a family member with Parkinson's. Sure, in early stages it can be relatively minimal. But what will you do and how will you react when you and DH have a ton more to do to help MIL cope as his Parkinson's progresses? Will you be resentful and angry? Will DH not be able to cope at all on his own if he's needed to help, but will he lean on you and make you mad?

Again: DH needs to talk to you about his real concerns here for his dad, and DH needs to stop playing games around the food MIL has bought, etc.

And you need to realize that you are only seeing what's going on this weekend. There are likely years ahead of gradual, or rapid, decline. You and MIL and DH need to have a frank talk about the future and what her REAL concerns about FIL are, and get a plan into place.

From someone whose FIL had Parkinson's. Sorry you're sore and pi$$3d off but you and DH need to look at the longer-term picture here.

NP. My uncle has had Parkinson’s, advanced, for 20 years. Guess how many of us it takes to visit and care for him when my aunt goes out of town? ONE.

[Anonymous]

I would have DH go without me. Maybe I would stop by for dinner one night. But DH is capable of heating up some food. And if he wasn't, now would be a great time to teach him because do you ever go away and leave him for a couple of nights?

And I would have DH have a talk with ILs about long term plans. If MIL dies are you expected to take in FIL? Do they have savings and long term care insurance? It's not about these 2 days. If my ILs truly needed help for a couple of days, I'm in. But if she dies in her 70s, you could have 20 years of this. The family needs a plan.