Husband wants to spend the weekend at his parents house

[Anonymous]

If I went, and that's a big IF, I would get up early on the weekend and leave the house citing the pre-planned errands that I needed to do. I would then either go back to my own house and chill or go out to breakfast, see some friends or my own family, etc. all day.

In general, do anything but be there with them. Your husband can entertain his father on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to go, send DH by himself. What's the issue?

DH expects me to come too and is offended that I don’t

Codependent much? Wow.

You can see where DH gets it from…his parents. They are enmeshed and that it their “normal.”
Op, this does not have to be YOUR normal. Do not go along. Ridiculous.

This one example says that these people are enmshed?
Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL is taking a 2 day trip and wants DH and I to live with FIL so he “won’t be alone.”

I’m annoyed as he lives 25 mins away and is 70 but pretty mobile and able bodied. Can’t we go visit and say hello? Do we have to sleep over for 2 nights?

Don’t go.

Do set the precedent that you guys are going to babysit a non-disabled 70 yo adult just because his wife is out of town for a day or two.

[Anonymous]

You’re a selfish wench.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So, I came over to my in laws house on Friday. FIL does need some help taking out the dog and a little with cooking as he has slowed down due to Parkinson’s. Friday, we had dinner and went to bed. I am still recovering from my own abdominal surgery so my belly was a little sore and I went to bed quickly after dinner. They set up SIL’s old room for us and the mattress is so uncomfortable. I complained about how I missed sleeping in my bed and now my husband is mad at me. He says I’ve been a nuisance and don’t understand that he is trying to be a good person and help his dad.

I’m upset because instead of appreciating my company, he is angry at me for understandably being a little uncomfortable at his parents house.

Talk about ungrateful.

Talk about BURYING THE EFFING LEAD, OP. Yes, I know I'm all-caps shouting at you.

"He has slowed down due to Parkinson's."

So you didn't bother to put that in the original post? Have you got zero idea about Parkinson's or do you and DH just take for granted that FIL has it and it's no big deal? Or you think MIL always "overreacts" to it so you didn't bother to tell us your FIL has an incurable and debilitating condition?

While your MIL does sound too anxious and your DH absolutely is being a mama's boy to press you to come (he could have handled this weekend alone), do you have SO little understanding of Parkinson's, and so little compassion for an older couple?

My first reaction in your shoes would be to wonder if MIL suspected FIL's Parkinson's was worsening and/or she was concerned that his "little" difficulties cooking could lead to an accident, getting burned, a fire. Or that he'd attempt to take the dog out himself if no one was around or DH turned up late for that chore.

Unless MIL is always asking you and DH to help out with FIL, you are not seeing what is really going on. You have a family member with Parkinson's. Sure, in early stages it can be relatively minimal. But what will you do and how will you react when you and DH have a ton more to do to help MIL cope as his Parkinson's progresses? Will you be resentful and angry? Will DH not be able to cope at all on his own if he's needed to help, but will he lean on you and make you mad?

Again: DH needs to talk to you about his real concerns here for his dad, and DH needs to stop playing games around the food MIL has bought, etc.

And you need to realize that you are only seeing what's going on this weekend. There are likely years ahead of gradual, or rapid, decline. You and MIL and DH need to have a frank talk about the future and what her REAL concerns about FIL are, and get a plan into place.

From someone whose FIL had Parkinson's. Sorry you're sore and pi$$3d off but you and DH need to look at the longer-term picture here.

NP. My uncle has had Parkinson’s, advanced, for 20 years. Guess how many of us it takes to visit and care for him when my aunt goes out of town? ONE.

Glad your uncle is able to be cared for at home because that's not the case with many advanced Parkinson's patients.

And when cared for by one of you at home, does that one never, ever need a break? By "advanced" do you mean needing physical help with every function including using the toilet, being bathed, etc.? Sure, one person can do that. Short-term. If the person with Parkinson's isn't large enough that a smaller person helping helping them move becomes an issue, just for instance.

Yes, the DH alone can deal with his clearly ambulatory dad with mild Parkinson's on the weekend when they were there. But if FIL eventually needs more care, it doesn't sound like this DH and the OP are at all clued in to what that actually means. It doesn't necessarily mean two people on deck at all times, but if the family is caregiving, it DOES mean caregivers need breaks. I think the MIL needs to tell the DH and OP if the father is actually getting worse. But the DH and OP don't seem very invested or interested in knowing what's really going on with FIL, or what the longer term prognosis looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re a selfish wench.

Classy!

[Anonymous]

Op, do you have kids? Does your husband know how to cook and clean?

He should have talked to you first before assuming and expecting you would go. This is clearly an elder care visit, not just a casual family bonding visit. Then if it were me, and my husband asked if I could come help, I’d say yes if it worked with my schedule.

So this was a communication issue between you and your husband and also one between your husband and his mom. She should not have assumed either.

If your husband doesn’t want to cook and clean and wants you to come do he can drop that whole responsibility on you, he needs to step up and learn how to do that kind of thing. That’s just a basic life skill that everyone should have- he doesn’t need to be the best, but he should be able to hold his own.

[Anonymous]

Why did you go when mostly everyone told you not to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to go, send DH by himself. What's the issue?

DH expects me to come too and is offended that I don’t

You do what you want to do, not what they want you to do.