Husband wants to spend the weekend at his parents house

[Anonymous]

You’re an adult, you don’t have to sleep anyplace you don’t want to sleep.

Personally, I’d nip this in the bud because I’ve had some painful experiences with older people thinking they can task my husband and I, that our time, interests and what-have you simply don’t matter.
I want to stay married, and I don’t want to fight, but I would over this issue. Trust me, if you don’t say no now, these requests won’t stop and will only get more intrusive. You’ll be painted as the mean b*** which is a position you don’t want. If papa falls, you’ll be blamed even if you couldn’t have prevented it, you’re not going to help the old man shower or stop him from going out to rake leaves, you’re not his wife. Many women don’t understand this, especially an inappropriate old one.

If your mother-in-law doesn’t want her husband to be alone, she can stay home, or he can join her on this trip.
Stop the pretense that you are willing to stop by to “say hello” you don’t, and papa doesn’t want you to either.
Finally, I wouldn’t send your husband anywhere. That’s the language used for children and packages “We’re sending Johnny to preschool today” “We’re sending this back to Amazon”. It’s not appropriate for an adult and not a habit you want to encourage, your husband isn’t the family and community rental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not a big deal, don't make it one. Earn some brownie points.

Hell no. She doesn't want to go, there's not reason to go, and her husband is pouting to get his way. DO NOT REWARD SULKINESS.

[Anonymous]

“If you want to go, go. I’m going to stay here. You can pout, but it’s not changing.”

I don’t give in to sulky teens, children, or adults.

[Anonymous]

It seems like this is the beginning of his parents making more demands on the two of you, and he knows it and blames his wife for not making it easier for him.

I would ask him specifically why he wants so badly for you to go. And ask MIL specifically what she feels is unsafe about him staying home alone. If he really cannot manage for a few days, perhaps that needs to be discussed with his doctor, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to go, send DH by himself. What's the issue?

DH expects me to come too and is offended that I don’t

Codependent much? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't you compromise on just one night?

Does your DH want you there to cook and clean? Or as a buffer against awkwardness? Weird that it's so important to him.

Ten to one it's something like that. Packaged in "but I neeeeed you!" whiny man voice.

I would just say that I would be delighted to visit one afternoon to check on FIL. Shoo your husband out the door and enjoy a quiet weekend at home.

Definitely do not indulge pouting and whining from a grown man. He can tell his parents no, or he can deal with their request. You can compromise on a partial visit if he stops pouting and asks you nicely.

[Anonymous]

For a 70 yr old? You got to be kidding. 70 is not old. I can only imagine what DH parents are going to expect in their 80s. It will be much worse. Op..set boundaries now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to go, send DH by himself. What's the issue?

DH expects me to come too and is offended that I don’t

Codependent much? Wow.

You can see where DH gets it from…his parents. They are enmeshed and that it their “normal.”
Op, this does not have to be YOUR normal. Do not go along. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

My solution. DH can go spend the weekend with his father or father can come and spend the weekend at your house. DH can choose whether he goes alone there or, if he doesn't want to babysit his father alone, his father can come to your house. This gives husband two options and he has to be a big boy and pick one.

[Anonymous]

Ask your DH very specifically what he thinks he cannot handle without you. It it sandwich-making? TV-watching? Pleasantry-saying? FIL-butt-wiping? Out with it!

[Anonymous]

DH should be able to go but chances are good that FIL is experiencing cognitive decline so buckle up and start working with a therapist because you’re going to need a lot of generosity and understanding.

[Anonymous]

If my husband wanted to do it - I would “let” him. And if i was interested - I would go too. If not, I would stay home.

[Anonymous]

I would call DH out for pouting and make it clear you do not feel obligated to do this because it is not a necessity for FIL. Then compromise and stay for part of the time, to see what is really going on. Take advantage of MIL's absence to really observe and see how FIL copes on his own. You need this information for the path ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH should be able to go but chances are good that FIL is experiencing cognitive decline so buckle up and start working with a therapist because you’re going to need a lot of generosity and understanding.

+1 I have a feeling OP does not have a firm grasp on the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a 70 yr old? You got to be kidding. 70 is not old. I can only imagine what DH parents are going to expect in their 80s. It will be much worse. Op..set boundaries now.

It depends. My 69 yo MIL has early stage dementia. She should not be left alone overnight. However, I do feel like DH can handle his dad on his own and doesn't need to involve DW. DW could offer to come and have dinner with the three of them, but I don't think she owes more than that.