Combination of symptoms - could they be connected?

[Anonymous]

OP: I'm so sorry. I think your husband is clearly a full blown alcoholic. Drinking can increase BP and he probably had the first seizure from high BP exacerbated by drinking. Most likely we was so sick in the hospital/they had such a hard time getting his BP down, in part, because he was going through withdrawals, which were masked by the seizure meds. The next 2 incidents were almost certainly caused by him trying to cut down. FWIW, his panic attacks getting worse are likely evidence that he really is cutting down. If he won't agree to go into treatment, would he agree to go somewhere with no access to alcohol for a few weeks? Sometimes just breaking the habit can help and it certainly can't hurt health-wise. (Obviously confirm with a doctor that his alcohol intake is now low enough for this to be safe.)

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update.

After that happened, he still didn’t think he needed professional help. Agrees to quit for a month and go from there. He quit for 3 weeks (supposedly) and then we vacationed with family and started up again.
Over the last couple months, his anxiety and depression have been at an all time high. To the point where he’s shaking uncontrollably, nauseous, throwing up, etc. Has somehow maintained his job but doesn’t go into the office. He can’t get out of bed some days. I have to go into the office 3 days/ week so I check in with him throughout the day and he sounds miserable.

1 month ago, I came home early because his texts were getting increasingly sad/ worrisome. He was laying on the couch, visibly buzzed. I asked him if he had been drinking and he said No. I said “please go lay down in bed, I can tell you’re tired.” I thought maybe he just seemed loopy from the anxiety.
He falls asleep, is snoring his ass off (tell tale sign he’s been drinking) and i decide to snoop. The recycling has been taken out (clue #1). I go into his iPad and check out the Amex app, and there it was. Every single day (sometimes, every other day), there was a charge from the liquor store down the street. For the last two months. Prior to the last two months, there was a liquor store trip probably 2-3x/week, maybe 1 of which was accounted for by him grabbing us wine or something for dinner.
I’m shocked, but not shocked.

He wakes up and is looking/ seeming better. I confronted him, said you’ve been lying, how could you do this to me? I went on and on about his health. The high BP, the anxiety, the depression, the libido issues, the hormonal issues, probably even the seizures - are ALL exacerbated by alcohol. Many professionals have told him this. Not only are you lying to your wife but your actively working against your health.
I was pissed, packed a bag, and left for a few nights
During those few nights, I emailed him (I couldn’t bring myself to start up a text conversation) and said you need rehab or I’m done with this marriage.

A few emails back and forth, he agrees but then backslides and doesn’t want to go inpatient rehab, we agree on outpatient, I find a place that takes his insurance, he calls and sets up the intake. They explain it’s 2 weeks of IOP (intensive outpatient, M-F, 9am-3pm), then 2 weeks of regular outpatient (9-12).

I take his debit card away so he can’t use it or get cash. I monitor his amex (the only cc he has), and add him on find my friends. I tell him if he makes any purchases I need to see the receipt. I tell him all this, that I can’t trust him, that this is how it needs to be. He does the 2 week program. He raves about it. Says he learned so much, yada yada. But then he decides he doesn’t want to do to the 2 week follow up. That it’s not really ‘for him’. I can’t make him go, so I’m at a loss.

He then tells me he’s not in fact an alcoholic. That he went through a really bad phase in his life. I tell him that he is in fact an alcoholic, remind him of all that’s transpired over the last couple years. He said he’s gotten the tools and information he’s needed in these last couple weeks to make better decisions in life.

He says he wants to be able to have the “ocassional” beer with his dad or a celebratory drink when he gets promoted at work, etc. I said yea I want that too, but we’ll have to celebrate without it. He said he wants to just “be normal” about drinking, and that he can, now that he’s learned so much, has a different outlook, almost lost me, etc. At this point I started to cry and just let it all out.. what about me? What about what I want in life? What about my health? What about how my day was? I’ve been so focused on you and your health for 2 years - we put having a family on hold, all my mental energy has gone into making sure you’re ok, etc etc.
I would never shame him for his health issues, i am always supportive and will always be supportive, but I needed to just have a selfish moment and give him a WTF. I point blank said “I need you to be sober in order to continue in this marriage”.

A couple days later (at this point, 2 days ago) he says again that he just wants to be normal about drinking. I told him again, you’re an alcoholic. You have tried now 5-6 times to “be normal” and many of those times have led to you lying and jeopardizing our marriage. You want to risk that again? I explained to him that at this point, MY mental health is at risk - it takes a toll on me to be mad, be supportive, be said, leave, come back, disrespect my own boundaries, etc.

The conversation fizzled and I’ve just been stewing for 2 days. To add, we just closed on a vacation home nearby (I know, awful timing, we bought when I thought he was “good”), and his dad is visiting us this weekend to help with some stuff around the house. I know he’s going to want to have “one or two” beers with him.

Sorry for such a long post. I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to skip to divorce, I want to be helpful and supportive, but I also don’t want this life. I feel as if he’s making the choice to drink instead of choosing me (I know it’s not that cut and dry).
Is there any world in which he’s actually right? That he was just “in a bad phase” and could just “be a normal drinker”? I am trying to determine if I’m being unreasonable - I know I’m not, but I’m starting to question everything.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP.
You are 100% right about his behavior.
I think you’ve been terrific helping him.
Now maybe separate for a while to get some perspective.
You’ve told him the alcohol or you and he’s made his choice.
Hang in there. You are strong.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. I agree with PP.

Have you talked to his family? Where are they in this? Maybe call his dad and ask him not to offer his son alcohol when he comes visit?

[Anonymous]

I will add that he's an alcoholic. To be a "normal drinker" means that there are days/weeks/months when you don't drink at all and don't miss it. People who smuggle hard liquor in gatorade bottles and try to disguise beer in diet coke cans are not "normal drinkers."

The thought of both of those makes me want to retch.

You know all of this, though, and he probably does too. I would talk to a therapist. You have gone through a lot and have more to go through.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the quick replies. It helps to hear validation.
His entire family lives out of state (parents, siblings). I am semi- close with them and could definitely talk to them. His parents are heavy drinkers. I don’t know if I’d categorize them as alcoholics, because they somehow keep their sh*t together, but there’s a ton of drinking when the family gets together, and I know when his dad visits there will be beer out for most of the day.
I want to be respectful of my husbands privacy (despite all this) and don’t want to try and have a sit down with his Dad, but I’m also not opposed to it. Just need to think a little more about it.

I thought about leaving for a separation. We now have another home coincidentally. It’s difficult because I do need to go into the office and our home is 1.5 hours away (add more time for traffic), but he can’t drive yet because of the seizure so him going up there is difficult too. I’d make it happen, though, if needed. I can always stay with my family if needed.

I never thought I would be here. I married a sweet, kind, loving, patient, trustworthy man three years ago. This sounds awful but I can’t even look at him now. I can’t bare the thought of even touching him. I hate it.

[Anonymous]

OP here checking back in months later.

Fast forward to now and things have been hot and cold. We’ve had a pretty good Summer. Enjoying our new vacation home, spending lots of time with family, have done a few trips, etc. However, I’ve been slightly on edge about everything. DH has been “fine” but has had 6 or 7 incidents of breaking his own “rules”. As part of his “I can show you that I can drink normally and am not an alcoholic” campaign, he told me he would stick to some new healthier habits including:
Only having 2-3 max drinks when he does drink; drinking slower and more casually when out with friends; practicing simply saying No / not drinking in some social situations; no hard liquor whatsoever; not sitting around drinking on weeknights; and not sneaking around or keeping anything from me. In his mind, if he could practice these better habits, he could prove he wasn’t an alcoholic and was just in a bad phase before.
These new habits were of his own creation and because I’m mentally exhausted, I just said “sure. I get it. Let’s see how this goes.”

Fast forward to a handful of times this summer where he’s: Drank too much a few times (not super drunk but slightly tipsy/ clearly had 6-7 drinks); slipped back into drinking every night (versus saving it for the weekends) on a few separate weeks; gets with friends and drinks too fast/ doesn’t say no; etc. I point it out, he acknowledges and apologizes, says he’ll do better, and generally, he does (until the next time).

Yes, I sound controlling and like I’m policing him and mothering him. That’s the last thing I want. It’s not healthy or romantic for either of us when we have that dynamic. But I can’t help but be aware and notice when it happens. Last night, he came to bed drunk (I went to bed earlier) and was snoring, stumbling around to find the bathroom, and spilled a big glass of red wine all over the bed. I was pissed and it was my final straw and I just left and went to our other house (I told him what happened and why I was leaving).

He thinks I am overreacting and being unsupportive of his problem. That he’s been doing much better (he has, to some extent), has made a few mistakes but hasn’t hid them (true), and that I left for the wrong reasons. I think I’ve F'ing had it and have been stomping on my own boundaries for too long. I understand they are mistakes but they are still choices.

FWIW, I’ve been loving, compassionate, patient, and kind when it comes to discussing whether or not he’s an alcoholic. I would never be mad or leave someone whose dealing with a very real sickness. What I can’t deal with is continuously breaking these rules (that he instilled to ‘prove’ something to me) and expecting me to just get over it. Am I an a**hole? I’m just sick of this.

As of right now, we’re in separate homes, and I told him last night that I can’t be his partner if he continues to drink. That’s when he said the things about me overreacting, not being supportive, etc. I asked him to please consider marriage therapy (I would do the leg work on this) so we can talk about this instead of arguing (he said No).

I guess I’m just not sure if I should have been a little more patient? Everyone in recovery has slip ups. But he’s not in recovery, he insists on still drinking and is actively making choices that go against his “rules”. He is acting like I am INSANE for walking out.

[Anonymous]

OP here - correction - this happened two nights ago, last night was when i told him the ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

I may have missed it, but have you looked to AlAnon or other support groups for yourself?

It sounds like you love him and he is lucky to have that, but he shouldn't be able to drag you down. From an outsiders perspective it does not look likely that he will get better without additional professional help or at the very least a strong desire to change.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may have missed it, but have you looked to AlAnon or other support groups for yourself?

It sounds like you love him and he is lucky to have that, but he shouldn't be able to drag you down. From an outsiders perspective it does not look likely that he will get better without additional professional help or at the very least a strong desire to change.

Good luck.

Also re-read your posts. Pretend that a friend wrote them. You sound like you're blaming yourself for a lot of things that are not your fault.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’ve been to Al Anon in the past, for my older sister, but I haven’t been yet with regards to DH. Last night I found a few zoom meetings for this week that I plan on attending. I live in a big city and could find some in-person ones too, I’m just nervous about going, but I know I shouldn’t be.

[Anonymous]

Al Anon for you. I'd try to find some in person meetings. If you live in a big city there will be hundreds available.

I'd also mention to him that you are going to Al Anon for support for you.

[Anonymous]

Generally marriage therapists won't work with a couple in which one is an active alcoholic. The addict needs to get in recovery first.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t have any good advice, except that you deserve better. You sound like an amazing partner. And constantly tracking his drinking sounds absolutely exhausting and draining. You shouldn’t have to live like that.

I wish you the very best.

[Anonymous]

"he’s shaking uncontrollably,"

This is a sign of long term alcohol use. The alcoholic will ramp up to drinking more to stop the shaking.

I saw this a lot with my Dad.