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[quote=Anonymous]OP here checking back in months later.

Fast forward to now and things have been hot and cold.  We’ve had a pretty good Summer. Enjoying our new vacation home, spending lots of time with family, have done a few trips, etc.  However, I’ve been slightly on edge about everything. DH has been “fine” but has had 6 or 7 incidents of breaking his own “rules”. As part of his “I can show you that I can drink normally and am not an alcoholic” campaign, he told me he would stick to some new healthier habits including:
Only having 2-3 max drinks when he does drink; drinking slower and more casually when out with friends; practicing simply saying No / not drinking in some social situations; no hard liquor whatsoever; not sitting around drinking on weeknights; and not sneaking around or keeping anything from me.  In his mind, if he could practice these better habits, he could prove he wasn’t an alcoholic and was just in a bad phase before. 
These new habits were of his own creation and because I’m mentally exhausted, I just said “sure. I get it. Let’s see how this goes.”

Fast forward to a handful of times this summer where he’s:  Drank too much a few times (not super drunk but slightly tipsy/ clearly had 6-7 drinks); slipped back into drinking every night (versus saving it for the weekends) on a few separate weeks; gets with friends and drinks too fast/ doesn’t say no; etc.  I point it out, he acknowledges and apologizes, says he’ll do better, and generally, he does (until the next time).

Yes, I sound controlling and like I’m policing him and mothering him. That’s the last thing I want. It’s not healthy or romantic for either of us when we have that dynamic. But I can’t help but be aware and notice when it happens. Last night, he came to bed drunk (I went to bed earlier) and was snoring, stumbling around to find the bathroom, and spilled a big glass of red wine all over the bed. I was pissed and it was my final straw and I just left and went to our other house (I told him what happened and why I was leaving).

He thinks I am overreacting and being unsupportive of his problem.  That he’s been doing much better (he has, to some extent), has made a few mistakes but hasn’t hid them (true), and that I left for the wrong reasons.  I think I’ve F'ing had it and have been stomping on my own boundaries for too long.  I understand they are mistakes but they are still choices.

FWIW, I’ve been loving, compassionate, patient, and kind when it comes to discussing whether or not he’s an alcoholic. I would never be mad or leave someone whose dealing with a very real sickness. What I can’t deal with is continuously breaking these rules (that he instilled to ‘prove’ something to me) and expecting me to just get over it. Am I an a**hole?  I’m just sick of this.

As of right now, we’re in separate homes, and I told him last night that I can’t be his partner if he continues to drink. That’s when he said the things about me overreacting, not being supportive, etc.  I asked him to please consider marriage therapy (I would do the leg work on this) so we can talk about this instead of arguing (he said No).

I guess I’m just not sure if I should have been a little more patient? Everyone in recovery has slip ups. But he’s not in recovery, he insists on still drinking and is actively making choices that go against his “rules”.  He is acting like I am INSANE for walking out. [/quote]

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