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[quote=Anonymous]OP here with an update.

After that happened, he still didn’t think he needed professional help. Agrees to quit for a month and go from there.  He quit for 3 weeks (supposedly) and then we vacationed with family and started up again.
Over the last couple months, his anxiety and depression have been at an all time high. To the point where he’s shaking uncontrollably, nauseous, throwing up, etc.  Has somehow maintained his job but doesn’t go into the office. He can’t get out of bed some days. I have to go into the office 3 days/ week so I check in with him throughout the day and he sounds miserable.

1 month ago, I came home early because his texts were getting increasingly sad/ worrisome. He was laying on the couch, visibly buzzed. I asked him if he had been drinking and he said No. I said “please go lay down in bed, I can tell you’re tired.”  I thought maybe he just seemed loopy from the anxiety. 
He falls asleep, is snoring his ass off (tell tale sign he’s been drinking) and i decide to snoop. The recycling has been taken out (clue #1). I go into his iPad and check out the Amex app, and there it was. Every single day (sometimes, every other day), there was a charge from the liquor store down the street. For the last two months.  Prior to the last two months, there was a liquor store trip probably 2-3x/week, maybe 1 of which was accounted for by him grabbing us wine or something for dinner. 
I’m shocked, but not shocked.

He wakes up and is looking/ seeming better. I confronted him, said you’ve been lying, how could you do this to me? I went on and on about his health. The high BP, the anxiety, the depression, the libido issues, the hormonal issues, probably even the seizures - are ALL exacerbated by alcohol. Many professionals have told him this. Not only are you lying to your wife but your actively working against your health.
I was pissed, packed a bag, and left for a few nights
During those few nights, I emailed him (I couldn’t bring myself to start up a text conversation) and said you need rehab or I’m done with this marriage.

A few emails back and forth, he agrees but then backslides and doesn’t want to go inpatient rehab, we agree on outpatient, I find a place that takes his insurance, he calls and sets up the intake. They explain it’s 2 weeks of IOP (intensive outpatient, M-F, 9am-3pm), then 2 weeks of regular outpatient (9-12).

I take his debit card away so he can’t use it or get cash. I monitor his amex (the only cc he has), and add him on find my friends. I tell him if he makes any purchases I need to see the receipt. I tell him all this, that I can’t trust him, that this is how it needs to be.  He does the 2 week program. He raves about it. Says he learned so much, yada yada. But then he decides he doesn’t want to do to the 2 week follow up. That it’s not really ‘for him’. I can’t make him go, so I’m at a loss.

He then tells me he’s not in fact an alcoholic. That he went through a really bad phase in his life. I tell him that he is in fact an alcoholic, remind him of all that’s transpired over the last couple years. He said he’s gotten the tools and information he’s needed in these last couple weeks to make better decisions in life.

He says he wants to be able to have the “ocassional” beer with his dad or a celebratory drink when he gets promoted at work, etc. I said yea I want that too, but we’ll have to celebrate without it.  He said he wants to just “be normal” about drinking, and that he can, now that he’s learned so much, has a different outlook, almost lost me, etc.  At this point I started to cry and just let it all out.. what about me? What about what I want in life? What about my health? What about how my day was? I’ve been so focused on you and your health for 2 years - we put having a family on hold, all my mental energy has gone into making sure you’re ok, etc etc.
I would never shame him for his health issues, i am always supportive and will always be supportive, but I needed to just have a selfish moment and give him a WTF.  I point blank said “I need you to be sober in order to continue in this marriage”.

A couple days later (at this point, 2 days ago) he says again that he just wants to be normal about drinking. I told him again, you’re an alcoholic. You have tried now 5-6 times to “be normal” and many of those times have led to you lying and jeopardizing our marriage. You want to risk that again?  I explained to him that at this point, MY mental health is at risk - it takes a toll on me to be mad, be supportive, be said, leave, come back, disrespect my own boundaries, etc.

The conversation fizzled and I’ve just been stewing for 2 days. To add, we just closed on a vacation home nearby (I know, awful timing, we bought when I thought he was “good”), and his dad is visiting us this weekend to help with some stuff around the house. I know he’s going to want to have “one or two” beers with him.

Sorry for such a long post. I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to skip to divorce, I want to be helpful and supportive, but I also don’t want this life. I feel as if he’s making the choice to drink instead of choosing me (I know it’s not that cut and dry).
Is there any world in which he’s actually right? That he was just “in a bad phase” and could just “be a normal drinker”? I am trying to determine if I’m being unreasonable - I know I’m not, but I’m starting to question everything.

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