Realistically, after 10+ years as a couple plus kids, what should a marriage be like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Civil. Like my business partners. Meetings to discuss plans and financials. No sleeping with the coworkers in either business.

This is us. And we are a very successful business. Excellent delegation of duties, highly specialized and super profitable. HR has us on strict no PDA so there is no sex or affection except maybe 4x a year if there is an office party

I'd rather be poor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

NP here and I agree with you, it's usually man disappointed woman, woman loses desire, man gets lonely and cheats. I guess he's to blame but it takes two to make a sexless marriage

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

The Bio folks here seem to forget the confounding factor of DWs being sick to death by this time of doing pretty much everything and often working as well, and have little interest in sex with the person who is not contributing. And yes I am talking about my own relationship specifically, but you don't have to look any further than the many posts on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

NP here and I agree with you, it's usually man disappointed woman, woman loses desire, man gets lonely and cheats. I guess he's to blame but it takes two to make a sexless marriage

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

The Bio folks here seem to forget the confounding factor of DWs being sick to death by this time of doing pretty much everything and often working as well, and have little interest in sex with the person who is not contributing. And yes I am talking about my own relationship specifically, but you don't have to look any further than the many posts on this forum.

If you want some empirical support for your hypothesis:

https://l.bulletin.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Flink.springer.com%2Farticle%2F10.1007%2Fs10508-021-02100-x&h=AT2_stsmmnJl8mpw9ypoFoPjywWPEYBMPU-q5p5x-31vM9MOiaCTY45dAQOkFuPpc9v9G-jwV1mDYBKiSFQ_mbtUfPRfZHRBDe3wzmHjg5z1QAITbw8UBWiAnISKcTrgy7HrSY58TZ2dj4A

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

Actually when a couple seeks counseling for a desire disparity, the low-desire partner is just as likely to be the man as it is the women. More men turn to cheating to “solve” the problem, and I think thats because it’s just more socially acceptable for men to feel entitled to sex. (Yes a big percentage of women cheat too but for different reasons)

[Anonymous]

It really is interesting to read about other folk's marriages.

Married almost 25 years, two children (teens), one husband. I would have said in the past, that DH was a good friend. But I never ever would have said he was my best friend. He's not. And then we burnt that down between years 10-15 and we've been climbing back out of that charred wreckage. I'm not still sure I like him any more. But we parent well together. He's a good person to live with, he takes care of the house and the kids. He's kind to animals. We get along. We are both easy going people, so it is easy to live with us. But no passion for sure. No attraction. I still like sex, but ... I am not attracted to him. So we still have sex, but it is more like boring FWB sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

Now that we’re older (48 and 51 years), we have more time and are less stressed, so we have more sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should be around their spouse + kids as much as we've experienced the past 2 years. Familiarity breeds contempt.

I'm taking a solo trip in February with a couple friends. I haven't been this excited in years.

No, it doesn't. It's what you bring to the relationship that breeds contempt. I've got 3 kids at home (ages 16-20) and a DH. While we, at times, struggled with everyone being online for school and work, we know how to live together comfortably and cooperatively. Sure, there are sometimes issues but nothing that comes close to contempt. FWIW, 2 kids (boys 16/20) share a room and all 3 kids share a single bathroom. DH and I share a bed/bathroom. We, clearly, don't have a large house where everyone has their own space. Learning to live with others is a life skill.

Our DC is in HS, but COVID brought us closer (if that was possible). We never fought and DH and I doubled our frequency of sex. It was a great time for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should be around their spouse + kids as much as we've experienced the past 2 years. Familiarity breeds contempt.

I'm taking a solo trip in February with a couple friends. I haven't been this excited in years.

No, it doesn't. It's what you bring to the relationship that breeds contempt. I've got 3 kids at home (ages 16-20) and a DH. While we, at times, struggled with everyone being online for school and work, we know how to live together comfortably and cooperatively. Sure, there are sometimes issues but nothing that comes close to contempt. FWIW, 2 kids (boys 16/20) share a room and all 3 kids share a single bathroom. DH and I share a bed/bathroom. We, clearly, don't have a large house where everyone has their own space. Learning to live with others is a life skill.

Our DC is in HS, but COVID brought us closer (if that was possible). We never fought and DH and I doubled our frequency of sex. It was a great time for us.

Same with my marriage. I had 1 in HS and 1 in MS. It was bad still is wonderful. My spouse switched to full-time telework which is what I have always done.

[Anonymous]

^and still is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage should be like what YOU want out of it. One of my good friends is a SAHM and handles 100% of kid, house, and pet-related things. Her husband handles 100% of financial, house, car, and travel-related things. He literally just buys a new car and brings it home and tells her this is her car. Or plans a trip and says this is where they’re going. Wouldn’t work for me, but she’s happy.

My husband and I both now work from home FT and have lunch every day while our ES-ages children are at school. We’re best friends, we can tell each other anything, we’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders, and we laugh together every single day. We split everything 50/50 and we can each run things just fine if the other is gone for work or for pleasure (obviously less travel in the last two years than before). Our lives would be significantly worse without each other. We have seen friends get divorced during COVID and thankfully while hard, it didn’t have that effect on us at all.

I would love your friend's set up. One pp's post really resonated with me regarding she did all she could do and her husband simply needed to do more. I love the idea of a husband who handles some big things without me managing it all and carrying the mental load.

I’d hate this. I bet he is controlling and she is stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Should a marriage require so much work? DH and I did couples therapy for 2 years awhile ago and it improved for awhile. Now we are both back in individual therapy and started couples again. I’m just wondering if it will always take so much work just to get along and if it’s worth it or if we’d both be happier with other people or on our own…

NP, I am wondering this too after being in couples (and individual) with DH for over a year. It's emotionally exhausting.

I am realizing that in order for our relationship to continue this is the amount of work it is going to always require (whether on our own or through a therapy mechanism). I guess I have to decide whether I can radically accept that.

OP - I will give the couples counseling 6 months and then reevaluate.

[Anonymous]

Wife will be fat, husband will be middle management and looking at the 28 year old women that report to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Should a marriage require so much work? DH and I did couples therapy for 2 years awhile ago and it improved for awhile. Now we are both back in individual therapy and started couples again. I’m just wondering if it will always take so much work just to get along and if it’s worth it or if we’d both be happier with other people or on our own…

NP, I am wondering this too after being in couples (and individual) with DH for over a year. It's emotionally exhausting.

I am realizing that in order for our relationship to continue this is the amount of work it is going to always require (whether on our own or through a therapy mechanism). I guess I have to decide whether I can radically accept that.

So DH and I were in and out of couples counseling for five years, starting shortly before we got married. I had the same thoughts, but loved him a LOT and then we had kids.

I think sometimes people go to couples counseling hoping that the other person will realize they need to change. I certainly did. Then I realized I loved lots of qualities about my DH (honest, kind, good father, fun, responsible, similar values) and t focus on that rather than all the annoying stuff (didn’t do house work, works a lot, can’t set boundaries with his family). When I was thinking nasty thoughts about him, I redirected my thoughts to why I loved him. I hired a weekly cleaning service, as it was cheaper than divorce and about as expensive as therapy. The resentment eventually went away. We learned to talk about hard stuff without getting angry but taking breaks when we got too emotional.

Ten years later, 3 kids now, 15 years into our relationship and we are very happily married. We almost never argue, share everything, and have lots of good sex. I’m looking forward to growing old together.

Sometimes you can fix the problems in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage should be like what YOU want out of it. One of my good friends is a SAHM and handles 100% of kid, house, and pet-related things. Her husband handles 100% of financial, house, car, and travel-related things. He literally just buys a new car and brings it home and tells her this is her car. Or plans a trip and says this is where they’re going. Wouldn’t work for me, but she’s happy.

My husband and I both now work from home FT and have lunch every day while our ES-ages children are at school. We’re best friends, we can tell each other anything, we’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders, and we laugh together every single day. We split everything 50/50 and we can each run things just fine if the other is gone for work or for pleasure (obviously less travel in the last two years than before). Our lives would be significantly worse without each other. We have seen friends get divorced during COVID and thankfully while hard, it didn’t have that effect on us at all.

I would love your friend's set up. One pp's post really resonated with me regarding she did all she could do and her husband simply needed to do more. I love the idea of a husband who handles some big things without me managing it all and carrying the mental load.

I’d hate this. I bet he is controlling and she is stuck.

I don't know. It sounds like they do a great job of divide and conquer from start to finish and stay out of each other's lanes. To me, that sounds preferable to the wife manages everything and assigns responsibilities to the husband while the wife drowns.

Maybe I'd feel differently if the wife wants a minivan to drive around the kids and dog and the husband said no you're getting a two-seater sports car, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Should a marriage require so much work? DH and I did couples therapy for 2 years awhile ago and it improved for awhile. Now we are both back in individual therapy and started couples again. I’m just wondering if it will always take so much work just to get along and if it’s worth it or if we’d both be happier with other people or on our own…

NP, I am wondering this too after being in couples (and individual) with DH for over a year. It's emotionally exhausting.

I am realizing that in order for our relationship to continue this is the amount of work it is going to always require (whether on our own or through a therapy mechanism). I guess I have to decide whether I can radically accept that.

So DH and I were in and out of couples counseling for five years, starting shortly before we got married. I had the same thoughts, but loved him a LOT and then we had kids.

I think sometimes people go to couples counseling hoping that the other person will realize they need to change. I certainly did. Then I realized I loved lots of qualities about my DH (honest, kind, good father, fun, responsible, similar values) and t focus on that rather than all the annoying stuff (didn’t do house work, works a lot, can’t set boundaries with his family). When I was thinking nasty thoughts about him, I redirected my thoughts to why I loved him. I hired a weekly cleaning service, as it was cheaper than divorce and about as expensive as therapy. The resentment eventually went away. We learned to talk about hard stuff without getting angry but taking breaks when we got too emotional.

Ten years later, 3 kids now, 15 years into our relationship and we are very happily married. We almost never argue, share everything, and have lots of good sex. I’m looking forward to growing old together.

Sometimes you can fix the problems in your relationship.

PP here, thanks for this. Thankfully we were both very open minded going into therapy and realized there would be things we would both have to change. We see each other much clearer now and I do find myself seeing the good things in him more and more. However, when we don't keep up the strategies we learned through therapy we fall into old dysfunctional dynamics, and for me there is a lot of leftover pain with the events of the history that led us to therapy. The former is why I said we will have to continue this work forever, for us to be happy together. That on its own isn't a dealbreaker, and I appreciate your positive story. The latter is harder for me but working on it.