Realistically, after 10+ years as a couple plus kids, what should a marriage be like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14 years married + elementary kids

Our marriage is comfortable. We are partners. It's not sparks flying all the time, but there is a deep appreciation for each other. It's cozy.

+1 8 years married, 13 years together, 2 under 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14 years married + elementary kids

Our marriage is comfortable. We are partners. It's not sparks flying all the time, but there is a deep appreciation for each other. It's cozy.

+1 8 years married, 13 years together, 2 under 5.

+2. We’ve made it through many crises together and now are just happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

OP - I am a woman and I have a strong libido and about 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would see a therapist. My therapist was really helpful in helping me see that a) all the complaints I had about my spouse were valid and b) my marriage was actually really good. I just learned a few techniques to improve things and it’s going really well. (This was actually relationship coaching which I never would have gone for but during our initial consultation that’s what she suggested, rather than psychotherapy.)

Share the techniques you learned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

OP - I am a woman and I have a strong libido and about 40.

I hate posters who say give it time, but...most libido drop off comes mid to late 40s. We had a decent sex life at 40 and were sexless at 47. Hope you can avoid our fate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

OP - I am a woman and I have a strong libido and about 40.

I hate posters who say give it time, but...most libido drop off comes mid to late 40s. We had a decent sex life at 40 and were sexless at 47. Hope you can avoid our fate.

Same, now 60.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

F that. I am a nearly 50 year old woman and I am hornier than ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

OP - I am a woman and I have a strong libido and about 40.

I hate posters who say give it time, but...most libido drop off comes mid to late 40s. We had a decent sex life at 40 and were sexless at 47. Hope you can avoid our fate.

Same, now 60.

I’m 51 (female). I had great sex with my husband this morning, as we do a few times per week. 2 teens. Together 25 years.

I haven’t hit menopause so there is that. My older sister (55) still isn’t in menopause either.

[Anonymous]

I can't tell you what it should be like. I can tell you DH and I have been together 16 years, married for 11 with two elementary aged kids and a dog and careers. I wouldn't quite say he's my best friend because I have one, but he's my favorite friend. He's the one I laugh most with, dance most with, share ideas and fears with, want to go on adventures with, want to share good news with, want to be comforted by, etc. We work hard at being attractive to each other, not just superficially but as good spouses too. We support each other and try to make each other's lives easier. So when DD asked DH to do something today and he said "Yes, after I empty the trash" I grabbed the trash and took it out. When I came in from working out, DH went and started the shower for me, and got fresh towels and put them in the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't tell you what it should be like. I can tell you DH and I have been together 16 years, married for 11 with two elementary aged kids and a dog and careers. I wouldn't quite say he's my best friend because I have one, but he's my favorite friend. He's the one I laugh most with, dance most with, share ideas and fears with, want to go on adventures with, want to share good news with, want to be comforted by, etc. We work hard at being attractive to each other, not just superficially but as good spouses too. We support each other and try to make each other's lives easier. So when DD asked DH to do something today and he said "Yes, after I empty the trash" I grabbed the trash and took it out. When I came in from working out, DH went and started the shower for me, and got fresh towels and put them in the bathroom.

This is lovely. We are only at year 10 with much younger kids, but I relate to this on the "best friend" front (he is not my BFF, but he is my favorite and most consistent partner) and also on just picking up each other's slack. You are, as the young say, GOALS and I hope we are on a similar page down the line.

[Anonymous]

Divorced at the 10 year mark and seems like a common time point based on my non-statistical analysis.

[Anonymous]

We have been married 15 years, 4 kids in elementary/middle school. We both have ADD, like to do a lot together and with the kids, have intense jobs, fight a lot, and have an interesting and varied sex life.

He is absolutely my best friend, but I can’t relate to the comfortable shoes comment .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14 years married + elementary kids

Our marriage is comfortable. We are partners. It's not sparks flying all the time, but there is a deep appreciation for each other. It's cozy.

After say the first 6-7 years all of the kinks were worked out. We had settled down. We were used to each other’s habits, even the annoying ones. We had developed common interests. We had kids after 10 years and that took some adjustment but it wasn’t bad because we had already gotten to that comfortable place. We’re now at 30 years and it’s still comfortable and peaceful and we have a lot of fun together

[Anonymous]

NO marriage is perfect and there will be weeds in every garden so set realistic expectations.

You should be comfortable, have no contempt for your partner, make efforts to engage/have sex that meet both of your needs, and yes, you should expect some conflicts. the young kids part of marriages is the toughest in my opinion, so take that into account.