Realistically, after 10+ years as a couple plus kids, what should a marriage be like?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| Really questioning my marriage to DH. Maybe it’s the pandemic stress, or maybe just deeper reflection, or maybe trauma from things that have happened, I don’t know…. |
Anonymous
|
14 years married + elementary kids
Our marriage is comfortable. We are partners. It's not sparks flying all the time, but there is a deep appreciation for each other. It's cozy. |
Anonymous
|
How old are the kids?
When our kids were under 7, both working, commuting, needing bigger space, it was tough. We fought a lot. We finally agreed to move to a lower col area so that one of us could pull back and the other could focus on the home front. OMG.. what a difference. It was tight financially but it was so much less stressful. We had time for each other. FF - our kids are teens. We both work FT remotely, married 20 years, and we have a pretty solid marriage. We are each others BFF and looking foward to being empty nesters. Hang in there. Make changes if you need to. |
Anonymous
This is the goal. Don’t borrow trouble. |
Anonymous
| We fit like a nice pair of old shoes. Known each other 35 years. Have a 7 year old daughter. |
Anonymous
|
Married 18 years, we have a teenager. We are life partners, and can’t really (don’t want to) imagine life without the other. It is, as others said, a comfortable and cozy sort of love. Passion was never our driving emotion, and it has become less and less a part of our marriage. You mourn that, but in your 50’s it doesn’t seem like a tragedy or dealbreaker like it would have 15 years ago. At least to us.
We feel lucky to be married to each other, and that we will almost certainly stay married till we die. |
Anonymous
|
We’re 10+ with one child. One child is easier than children so YMMV.
My DH and I chat during the day about things that interest both of us (books, certain performers, kid) and have dinner together every night either with or without the kid. We try to do at least one kind of romantic thing every week (this week was hottub in the snow!) but sometimes it’s the romantic gesture of sneaking the kid out for swim lessons in her pajamas and letting your partner sleep another blissful hour in a silent house. We really love spending time together even if it’s “parallel time” where I’m reading and he’s watching a game or playing a video game. We are equal parents. We believe in Team Parent and that there is no “default”. He takes care of 50% of everything that isn’t breastfeeding, and when he slips up he owns that and works at it. I work at not being hung up on small stuff. We are happy when the other partner is happy. OP something the pandemic brought home for us (three couples in our friend group divorced) is that life is too short to be miserable. Don’t be miserable!! |
Anonymous
|
At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.
I think you are doing better than most, OP |
Anonymous
I think.low passion couples like you are blessed. At the end of the day, it's the libido and hormones that cause otherwise comfortable but passionless couples to stray. If they spayed and neutered couples.after marriage, the divorce rate would be very low |
Anonymous
|
14 years married + elementary my dear
Our marriage is vulnerable. We are gardeners. It's not sparks flying all the time, but there is a deep appreciation for each other. It's cozy. |
Anonymous
|
2 ships passing in the night
Hoping it's part of the ups and downs of life, but have been stuck in the "down" curve for a long time though. 19 yrs; 4 kids ranging from 5- 13 yrs old. |
Anonymous
|
There’s no should. Every relationship has its special strengths. Every relationship takes work. If you’re not happy, you need to dig deeper to make the changes that will serve you individually and as a couple. What matters is if you can still grow together. If you feel like you’re stagnating with someone or going in different directions, that’s tough to fix.
That said, COVID has thrown a wrench in the works for many a couple. The constant togetherness and isolation plus additional stressors and uncertainty make for a long storm to weather. It’s either going to make you or break you. |
Anonymous
| Married 13 years, together for 24. Two kids, 8 and 6. We are in our mid-40s. We are tired and exhausted but still make time for sex a few times a week. We are great partners and supportive of each other. I know we are extremely lucky because we have so many friends in unhappy and sexless marriages. |
Anonymous
| I would see a therapist. My therapist was really helpful in helping me see that a) all the complaints I had about my spouse were valid and b) my marriage was actually really good. I just learned a few techniques to improve things and it’s going really well. (This was actually relationship coaching which I never would have gone for but during our initial consultation that’s what she suggested, rather than psychotherapy.) |
Anonymous
It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore. Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common . |