Realistically, after 10+ years as a couple plus kids, what should a marriage be like?

[Anonymous]

Our relationship after 10 years was great. At 20 it exploded and he went on a massive cheating run with major health issues. For people even less healthy than the average I'm sure the craziness starts sooner.

[Anonymous]

No one should be around their spouse + kids as much as we've experienced the past 2 years. Familiarity breeds contempt.

I'm taking a solo trip in February with a couple friends. I haven't been this excited in years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would see a therapist. My therapist was really helpful in helping me see that a) all the complaints I had about my spouse were valid and b) my marriage was actually really good. I just learned a few techniques to improve things and it’s going really well. (This was actually relationship coaching which I never would have gone for but during our initial consultation that’s what she suggested, rather than psychotherapy.)

Share the techniques you learned?

Well, they might not be as useful for people who just happened to pick them up at some point in their lives, which it seems like a lot of people do. But it was really helpful for me, especially because my husband has a high need for control, is very pushy, has a strong personality, and has high expectations for himself and others. (But part of those high expectations for himself are being a good husband and person generally, so he can be self-reflective and work on himself.)

The most helpful thing I learned is a dialectical behavioral technique with the silliest acronym: Dear Man Give. Basically you describe the facts, you say how they made you feel, you describe what you want the other to do (or not do), and you reinforce your ask by telling it what's in it for them. You stick to facts and you give specifics. You don't attack, you don't make generalizations, you don't apologize for asking, you don't let the other sidetrack you, you give yourself permission to put the conversation on hold if one or both is getting overly emotional, etc. The idea is to give up the hope of showing the other person that you're right and focus on what you actually need and want, then go for that in an effective way.

There are lots of worksheets about this online with more specifics and troubleshooting ideas. But I have found doing it with a psychologist really helpful, because we can bounce around ideas. Sometimes it's hard to nail down exactly how you're feeling or exactly what you want.

Again maybe this is "duh" for some people, but for me it was a game-changer.

[Anonymous]

OP - Should a marriage require so much work? DH and I did couples therapy for 2 years awhile ago and it improved for awhile. Now we are both back in individual therapy and started couples again. I’m just wondering if it will always take so much work just to get along and if it’s worth it or if we’d both be happier with other people or on our own…

[Anonymous]

Civil. Like my business partners. Meetings to discuss plans and financials. No sleeping with the coworkers in either business.

[Anonymous]

We have been together for 18 years, married for 14 years and have 3 kids.

Dh and I both love and adore our kids. They are our #1 priority. We make a good team. Our kids are happy and thriving. We are a well oiled machine in terms of family and home duties. We have a high income and on the same page with finances.

Sex and romantic life is meh. Probably have sex 1-2x per month. Some months not. We go out for date nights a few times per year usually Valentine’s Day, anniversary and birthday.

I often feel unhappy and dissatisfied in my marriage but I would never risk ruining my family. My kids are most important to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Should a marriage require so much work? DH and I did couples therapy for 2 years awhile ago and it improved for awhile. Now we are both back in individual therapy and started couples again. I’m just wondering if it will always take so much work just to get along and if it’s worth it or if we’d both be happier with other people or on our own…

I posted earlier that DH and I have 4 kids, two careers, and 5 total diagnoses of ADD in our family (both of us plus three of the kids). We like to do a lot together and have a good sex life, but we also fight a lot. We went to counseling a while ago, and it was somewhat helpful in getting us to understand one another, but it wasn't really effective long term. All of the underlying resentments were still there. We were just better at masking them.

The only thing that ultimately worked and decreased resentment (on both sides) was for DH to change his perspective on our home life and consider himself responsible for actually doing the day to day work of raising his children and creating the home that he wants, rather than just giving his input on whatever I was doing. I know that it sounds cliche on DCUM, but it's a cliche for a reason. He really needed to do more housework and childcare. I had done everything I could to make it work, and there wasn't any more that I could do. In order for us to have a good marriage, he had to change.

I want to point out that it decreased resentment on both sides because he really sees now how much effort I put in to raising the kids and making a nice home life for us. I have worked part time since our third child was born, and I really think that he thought I was just hanging out at home watching television while he was at work. He was as resentful as I was. Now that he is sometimes responsible for the kids while I am at work, he knows that if the "at home" person decides not to do anything, our home life can become less than pleasant pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

pp here. Sorry, I got off track.
I just want to say that it shouldn't be so much work. I am going to guess, just from my own experience, that if you feel like it's a lot of work, you are probably doing all that you can, and it is likely in your husband's court now. I very much hope that things work out for you.

[Anonymous]

A marriage should be like what YOU want out of it. One of my good friends is a SAHM and handles 100% of kid, house, and pet-related things. Her husband handles 100% of financial, house, car, and travel-related things. He literally just buys a new car and brings it home and tells her this is her car. Or plans a trip and says this is where they’re going. Wouldn’t work for me, but she’s happy.

My husband and I both now work from home FT and have lunch every day while our ES-ages children are at school. We’re best friends, we can tell each other anything, we’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders, and we laugh together every single day. We split everything 50/50 and we can each run things just fine if the other is gone for work or for pleasure (obviously less travel in the last two years than before). Our lives would be significantly worse without each other. We have seen friends get divorced during COVID and thankfully while hard, it didn’t have that effect on us at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one should be around their spouse + kids as much as we've experienced the past 2 years. Familiarity breeds contempt.

I'm taking a solo trip in February with a couple friends. I haven't been this excited in years.

No, it doesn't. It's what you bring to the relationship that breeds contempt. I've got 3 kids at home (ages 16-20) and a DH. While we, at times, struggled with everyone being online for school and work, we know how to live together comfortably and cooperatively. Sure, there are sometimes issues but nothing that comes close to contempt. FWIW, 2 kids (boys 16/20) share a room and all 3 kids share a single bathroom. DH and I share a bed/bathroom. We, clearly, don't have a large house where everyone has their own space. Learning to live with others is a life skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should be around their spouse + kids as much as we've experienced the past 2 years. Familiarity breeds contempt.

I'm taking a solo trip in February with a couple friends. I haven't been this excited in years.

No, it doesn't. It's what you bring to the relationship that breeds contempt. I've got 3 kids at home (ages 16-20) and a DH. While we, at times, struggled with everyone being online for school and work, we know how to live together comfortably and cooperatively. Sure, there are sometimes issues but nothing that comes close to contempt. FWIW, 2 kids (boys 16/20) share a room and all 3 kids share a single bathroom. DH and I share a bed/bathroom. We, clearly, don't have a large house where everyone has their own space. Learning to live with others is a life skill.

Wow. Sounds like you saved it all for strangers on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Should a marriage require so much work? DH and I did couples therapy for 2 years awhile ago and it improved for awhile. Now we are both back in individual therapy and started couples again. I’m just wondering if it will always take so much work just to get along and if it’s worth it or if we’d both be happier with other people or on our own…

NP, I am wondering this too after being in couples (and individual) with DH for over a year. It's emotionally exhausting.

I am realizing that in order for our relationship to continue this is the amount of work it is going to always require (whether on our own or through a therapy mechanism). I guess I have to decide whether I can radically accept that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 10 years we were still ok, still occasionally having decent date nights and sex 2x a month. At 15 years, as she hit late 40s, it's irritable, distant sexless roommates and I crave being with another woman.

I think you are doing better than most, OP

It makes a lot of sense not to want sex when one is beyond childbearing age if you think about it. Unsure why people feel weird about saying this out loud. Some women in their 40s still like sex still, but never think about it when not having it (with DH). Their body is not telling them to reproduce anymore.

Hence, sexless or near sexless marriage is so common .

This is why men start to have affairs around this time with younger women. People call it a midlife crisis, but it is really just biology.

The Bio folks here seem to forget the confounding factor of DWs being sick to death by this time of doing pretty much everything and often working as well, and have little interest in sex with the person who is not contributing. And yes I am talking about my own relationship specifically, but you don't have to look any further than the many posts on this forum.

[Anonymous]

All marriages will go through seasons of highs and lows. My guide book for marriage has always been God's word, the bible. Without that I would be tragically lost. We need to continue to date our husbands and not neglect them. Encourage them more then nag. I had a tendency to do that over the years and it got me nowhere. In our marriages we are to exhibit patience, forgiveness, kindness, not keeping a record of wrongs, self-control and don't try to change one another, that never works either. Oh yes, and never never compare your marriage to others. That also got me nowhere. Just as God didn't create any two people alike he also didn't create any two marriages alike. Keep pushing through this commitment you made for life. One of the greatest gift you can give your children is a Mom and Dad that love each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A marriage should be like what YOU want out of it. One of my good friends is a SAHM and handles 100% of kid, house, and pet-related things. Her husband handles 100% of financial, house, car, and travel-related things. He literally just buys a new car and brings it home and tells her this is her car. Or plans a trip and says this is where they’re going. Wouldn’t work for me, but she’s happy.

My husband and I both now work from home FT and have lunch every day while our ES-ages children are at school. We’re best friends, we can tell each other anything, we’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders, and we laugh together every single day. We split everything 50/50 and we can each run things just fine if the other is gone for work or for pleasure (obviously less travel in the last two years than before). Our lives would be significantly worse without each other. We have seen friends get divorced during COVID and thankfully while hard, it didn’t have that effect on us at all.

I would love your friend's set up. One pp's post really resonated with me regarding she did all she could do and her husband simply needed to do more. I love the idea of a husband who handles some big things without me managing it all and carrying the mental load.