Reply to Realistically, after 10+ years as a couple plus kids, what should a marriage be like?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - Should a marriage require so much work? DH and I did couples therapy for 2 years awhile ago and it improved for awhile. Now we are both back in individual therapy and started couples again. I’m just wondering if it will always take so much work just to get along and if it’s worth it or if we’d both be happier with other people or on our own…[/quote]
NP, I am wondering this too after being in couples (and individual) with DH for over a year. It's emotionally exhausting.

I am realizing that in order for our relationship to continue this is the amount of work it is going to always require (whether on our own or through a therapy mechanism). I guess I have to decide whether I can radically accept that.[/quote]

So DH and I were in and out of couples counseling for five years, starting shortly before we got married. I had the same thoughts, but loved him a LOT and then we had kids.

I think sometimes people go to couples counseling hoping that the other person will realize they need to change. I certainly did. Then I realized I loved lots of qualities about my DH (honest, kind, good father, fun, responsible, similar values) and t focus on that rather than all the annoying stuff (didn’t do house work, works a lot, can’t set boundaries with his family). When I was thinking nasty thoughts about him, I redirected my thoughts to why I loved him. I hired a weekly cleaning service, as it was cheaper than divorce and about as expensive as therapy. The resentment eventually went away. We learned to talk about hard stuff without getting angry but taking breaks when we got too emotional.

Ten years later, 3 kids now, 15 years into our relationship and we are very happily married. We almost never argue, share everything, and have lots of good sex. I’m looking forward to growing old together.

Sometimes you can fix the problems in your relationship. [/quote]

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