How to say this nicely & succinctly to my brother

[Anonymous]

I think PPs not understanding that this is a cultural thing. But my guess OP is female and bro is male. Not equal division in some cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say a family meeting ASAP and ask that the gift thing be done. You know that Everyone can buy what they want/need, gifts are not an expression of love, and you want to stop this tradition so your dc don’t fall in to it.

Emphasize that you can be together, eat or take a walk but this need to gift needs to stop. Or, the other solution is all agree on a small, truly enjoyable item the other person would not buy themselves routinely but you know they like- artisan chocolates, fresh roasted coffee, hard copy of a magazine, fresh flowers, more expensive wine or olive oil. Just a token to say thinking of you today.

On another note, Maybe the laptop request is more it’s hard to know at their age what to get so really not the $$ but just someone to do it for them. My parents lean on my dh for this type of thing ( phones, computers, internet services) he’s more than happy to do all the work as they are overwhelmed by it. But trading gift cards is just silly in my opinion.

This is going to come off as judgmental and passive aggressive (or even just aggressive) given the context, (people who do think gifts are an expression of love). Terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird thread. You all sound very materialistic. Maybe try to dial it down

Seriously, this! And the matriarch is the worst of the bunch. She can write checks for thousands of $$ to everyone but OP (who is weirdly aware of how much other family members get) but can't spring for her own dang laptop. What a bunch of wingnuts.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get you and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your tradition, your parents asking for what they actually want and your talking to your siblings about dividing it up. But your brother is cheap and greedy and you can’t change him. I would leave him out of any gift coordination and not be as generous with him. Really - if he has the money and wants $100 gift card while getting you something cheaper, you are just feeding his greediness. I would buy him something - a sweater, a pair of gloves, a book, exercise equipment - and focus my generosity on people who deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You give the gifts you want to give your parents and you stay out of your brother's relationship with your parents. This is not your issue to manage. If your parents bring it up, you shrug and move on.

Maybe others would disagree, but I think your family is the outlier in terms of the expense of your gifts to each other.

+1

And OP, if your parents have money, why do they need expensive gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

You are out of line, counting other people’s money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get you and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your tradition, your parents asking for what they actually want and your talking to your siblings about dividing it up. But your brother is cheap and greedy and you can’t change him. I would leave him out of any gift coordination and not be as generous with him. Really - if he has the money and wants $100 gift card while getting you something cheaper, you are just feeding his greediness. I would buy him something - a sweater, a pair of gloves, a book, exercise equipment - and focus my generosity on people who deserve it.

+1000
Your brother is a shifty person. You and your parents need to cut him off. He now thinks he's entitled to behave this way, My son is the the same way. It's why he'll get less money when I die. My daughters who've been kind to my wife and I will get larger shares of our wealth. Maybe it will be the same for you.

[Anonymous]

Why don't they just get their own phone?

Why are you telling your brothers what to gift your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You give the gifts you want to give your parents and you stay out of your brother's relationship with your parents. This is not your issue to manage. If your parents bring it up, you shrug and move on.

Maybe others would disagree, but I think your family is the outlier in terms of the expense of your gifts to each other.

This. Also you all should care more about relationships and getting along than about gifts and how much they cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DB got married a couple years ago, he and his wife are both in their 40s, they make very good incomes with very good retirement benefits. SIL was raised by a single mom with modest means who now lives with one of her sons, my parents are much wealthier. I guess because they have money, and because my sibs and I all do pretty well, they don't bat an eye at asking for more expensive birthday gifts, such as a new phone or computer, but they only ask when their existing one is dying or broken, they are by no means extravagant.

Cutting to the chase, my mom's been needing a new laptop for a while and I suggested to my two sibs that they split the cost of one while I get a separate, more expensive gift. They said okay at first, but now DB is complaining that it's "inequitable" because he and SIL never spend this much on SIL's mom.

DB is his own person and can choose how much to spend on gifts. But my parents have noticed that he's become cheaper about gifts since he got married, they can guess why, and it's upsetting to them, which is causing tension in our family. My parents are reasonable in their gift requests, they know DB can afford them, plus, they've given him over $200K (most of it down payment) in the last few years. They're wondering, after all we've done for you, you're going to balk over buying us the occasional nice gift? I know this is coming from DB and not SIL (or her mom). I also disagree with his inequity point; there's no way to balance things perfectly between the two sides of the family, every family is different etc. etc. I also think he takes for granted what a huge gift it is from our parents to us that they are and will be financially independent for the rest of their lives. Buying them the gifts they want is a fraction of what we would have to spend if we had to support them. By the way, I'm not saying that conversely, they shouldn't do anything for SIL's mom; it sounds like she's done a lot for her kids and deserves to be given nice things, too.

Sorry for the treatise. Anyway, how do I nicely and convincingly tell DB that he should be more generous to my parents irrespective of what he does for SIL's mom?

Your family's dysfunction, focus on money, inappropriate boundaries and scapegoating could make a family therapist a fortune. Stop scapegoating SIL. Stop focusing on $$$ so much. If you parents give money with strings, then they need to make those strings crystal clear so the recipient can decline. You need to stay in your lane and stop trying to boss people around and tell them how to spend their money. "After all we've done for you" is a classic narc entitlement at it's finest. You are way, way, too enmeshed and you should consider getting help before you pass on all this dysfunction with your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to myob.

The only people in the wrong in this scenario are you and your parents.

Ditto. WTF, OP. If your parents have money why did you and DB need to buy them expensive gifts? Ever heard of “ it’s the thought that counts.” I’ve never posted this before on DCUM but, MYOB!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

I’m sorry your parents have gifted them over $200k post taxes the last few years, that sounds stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think PPs not understanding that this is a cultural thing. But my guess OP is female and bro is male. Not equal division in some cultures.

Neither are the strings-attached huge down payments from the brothers parents.

And if no strings attached I’d say they can out in the $200-500 share if the computer gift.

[Anonymous]

On my question is which adult child family do they intend to move in with for their 20+ year retirement? That family should be getting the $200k, and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DB got married a couple years ago, he and his wife are both in their 40s, they make very good incomes with very good retirement benefits. SIL was raised by a single mom with modest means who now lives with one of her sons, my parents are much wealthier. I guess because they have money, and because my sibs and I all do pretty well, they don't bat an eye at asking for more expensive birthday gifts, such as a new phone or computer, but they only ask when their existing one is dying or broken, they are by no means extravagant.

Cutting to the chase, my mom's been needing a new laptop for a while and I suggested to my two sibs that they split the cost of one while I get a separate, more expensive gift. They said okay at first, but now DB is complaining that it's "inequitable" because he and SIL never spend this much on SIL's mom.

DB is his own person and can choose how much to spend on gifts. But my parents have noticed that he's become cheaper about gifts since he got married, they can guess why, and it's upsetting to them, which is causing tension in our family. My parents are reasonable in their gift requests, they know DB can afford them, plus, they've given him over $200K (most of it down payment) in the last few years. They're wondering, after all we've done for you, you're going to balk over buying us the occasional nice gift? I know this is coming from DB and not SIL (or her mom). I also disagree with his inequity point; there's no way to balance things perfectly between the two sides of the family, every family is different etc. etc. I also think he takes for granted what a huge gift it is from our parents to us that they are and will be financially independent for the rest of their lives. Buying them the gifts they want is a fraction of what we would have to spend if we had to support them. By the way, I'm not saying that conversely, they shouldn't do anything for SIL's mom; it sounds like she's done a lot for her kids and deserves to be given nice things, too.

Sorry for the treatise. Anyway, how do I nicely and convincingly tell DB that he should be more generous to my parents irrespective of what he does for SIL's mom?

Your family's dysfunction, focus on money, inappropriate boundaries and scapegoating could make a family therapist a fortune. Stop scapegoating SIL. Stop focusing on $$$ so much. If you parents give money with strings, then they need to make those strings crystal clear so the recipient can decline. You need to stay in your lane and stop trying to boss people around and tell them how to spend their money. "After all we've done for you" is a classic narc entitlement at it's finest. You are way, way, too enmeshed and you should consider getting help before you pass on all this dysfunction with your own kids.

I would have put this more delicately, but OP, please, please listen to this. Be the voice of reason in your family and put a stop to all the nonsense. If your parents are wealthy they can buy their own laptop. They do not need to be "gifted" one. And stop exchanging gift cards with your grown-ass siblings. A gift loses all meaning when the recipient dictates what should be given. You all might as well stand in a circle and everyone take out a $100 bill and pass to the left.

Shift the focus to togetherness. No more gift cards or material gifts. For Xmas, you all go see a show and have a fancy dinner. Everyone pays their own way . You have dinner for a siblings' birthday. Presents are for children.