How to say this nicely & succinctly to my brother

[Anonymous]

OP, what is your definition of "do pretty well"?

My DH and I don't do "pretty well", but never would I be keeping tabs about giving my sibling a $100 vs. his $25 gift for Christmas. You have serious issues. You can point fingers all you want at your sibling, but your thought process throughout your posts is bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Like many DCUM threads, OP’s real question is “how do I make another person do what I think they should?” And then many responses come back with a dissertation on whether OP is right or not about what the other person should do. In any event this all ignores that OP cannot control anyone but herself. It doesn’t matter if OP is wrong or right. Brother’s relationship to parents is not in OP’s control. Nor is any action of brother’s. There are no magic words to make another person do what you want.

[Anonymous]

It’s a man and woman’s decision what they spend their money on. Not the man’s sister’s decision.

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s nice to give people gifts and thanks, especially loving and generous people.

But let your brother set his own course, be it cheap and stingy or selfish or the opposite. Just let him prove himself and save your stepping in for real problems and interventions.

In the ideal world everything is even steven from ans to parents and children. But life is indeed, not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

You are suggesting that their priorities are out of whack because they choose to save for a house, rather than buying expensive gifts for other adults (who are themselves wealthy and can afford their own laptops, etc.)?

Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like many DCUM threads, OP’s real question is “how do I make another person do what I think they should?” And then many responses come back with a dissertation on whether OP is right or not about what the other person should do. In any event this all ignores that OP cannot control anyone but herself. It doesn’t matter if OP is wrong or right. Brother’s relationship to parents is not in OP’s control. Nor is any action of brother’s. There are no magic words to make another person do what you want.

+1
Plus, this is totally between the brother and his parents. OP needs to butt out of that. It's not her relationship to manage.

[Anonymous]

Everyone in this family has boundary problems. Your parents should not expect gifts at all. NO one should expect gifts and certainly not of any particular value.
You and your siblings need to leave this alone. No more suggestions of group gifts. MYOB

[Anonymous]

in our family, my DD and my son in law might spend more on us than they do his parents, but that is because we spend more on them. his side gives gifts like bath and body works, new pajamas, a candle. we give them things they would like but maybe do not want to lay out the money for, like a new smoker, and expensive cooking pan, ear buds, or patio heater.

son in law notices that they spend more on us, but i think he gets it. this year they got his mom a new tv, which was a pretty nice gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

So your priorities are legit but theirs aren’t? MYOB OP. And get out of their business. Your mom can buy herself a computer.

[Anonymous]

What’d they do with the $200,000? Pay for their wedding or grad school?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are jealous that your parents give your brother large amounts of money and don't do the same for you. And it sounds like because of that, you are bothered that your brother doesn't even reciprocate with gifts in kind to your parents.

It's understandable that you are upset by being shoved aside while your brother receives gifts. But there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe, they expect him to take him in as they age. Maybe they think he won't be successful without their money. Maybe they have something set aside to give you later. Who knows?

But you need to remove yourself from being involved in who gives who what for gifts. Buy a gift for your parents that you want. Buy your brother what you want. And stay out of whatever anyone else does. You will be much happier.