How to say this nicely & succinctly to my brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

Well, I think a house is a far more sensible priority than appeasing wealthy people's desire for extravagant gifts. What does all of this say about your parents' priorities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give the gifts you want to give your parents and you stay out of your brother's relationship with your parents. This is not your issue to manage. If your parents bring it up, you shrug and move on.

Maybe others would disagree, but I think your family is the outlier in terms of the expense of your gifts to each other.

OP here. My parents are immigrants and in their culture, it’s typical for the adult children to lavish the parents with expensive gifts that the parents need, such as a new dishwasher to replace one that’s broken, and also to give the parents a monthly allowance. SIL is from the same culture. My sibs don’t do this because my parents are so well-off, which is why I don’t think it should be such a big deal to occasionally give them a nice expensive gift.

DB texted me to complain about the inequity earlier today but everyone is saying MYOB. So should I not respond or just say smth along the lines of you do you?

What is his complaint exactly? I would tell him "That's between you and mom/dad. See you next time!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

Good grief, lady! Mind your own damn business! Get a life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to myob.

The only people in the wrong in this scenario are you and your parents.

This. Your parents sound awful.

[Anonymous]

And this is why it's a terrible idea to spend that much money on family, especially once everyone is an adult with an adult job.

Your parents need to stop asking for laptops and cell phones and buy what they need themselves. They also need to stop giving their kids hundreds of thousands of dollars.

All it's done is lead to bean counting and a feeling of unfairness. If everybody just bought what they needed themselves, none of this would be a problem.

[Anonymous]

I’m the SIL in this situation. DH’s parents are wealthy, mine are broke. I have no interest in giving extravagant gifts to either my in laws (they’re already rich!) or my parents. I have a lot of anxiety around money and just want us to be stable and invest wisely in case at some point we really *need* to help a parent. DH also comes from a culture where kids lavish their parents. Oh freaking well. Not all cultural traditions are good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

It could easily be that your brother made up equity as an excuse for the fact that he and his wife simply don’t agree any longer with this gift giving dynamic - and are making a shift in how they proceed with gift giving going forward. You and your parents may think you know their rationale, but you don’t really. Either way, this isn’t something for you to discuss with him. He is an adult and gets to decide for himself what to do with regards to his own parents.

[Anonymous]

OP here. LOL I wasn't expecting such negative reactions!

I will stay out of it going forward. The main reason I have gotten so involved is because this is how our family operates; sibs have always coordinated gifts for the parents, but it's such a pain now that we're all married and have in-law issues to deal with.

Btw DB is not the aggrieved party here. He's very grabby with money (which is why he's gotten $200K so far, me I haven't gotten a dollar since I finished school) yet has always been stingy. And while he doesn't want to spend $$$ on gifts for the parents, he insists that we the sibs give each other gifts for Christmas & birthday because he "feels weird" not giving us anything for our birthdays. So I said okay fine, let's just give each other inexpensive tokens(under $25). His response was "well if that's what you and your DH want, that's fine, but SIL and I would still like gift cards." Um so you buy us something that's $25, but you want us to keep giving you $100 gift cards??

[Anonymous]

Your parents have money but still demand expensive things from their children? Why are you enabling greedy behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. LOL I wasn't expecting such negative reactions!

I will stay out of it going forward. The main reason I have gotten so involved is because this is how our family operates; sibs have always coordinated gifts for the parents, but it's such a pain now that we're all married and have in-law issues to deal with.

Btw DB is not the aggrieved party here. He's very grabby with money (which is why he's gotten $200K so far, me I haven't gotten a dollar since I finished school) yet has always been stingy. And while he doesn't want to spend $$$ on gifts for the parents, he insists that we the sibs give each other gifts for Christmas & birthday because he "feels weird" not giving us anything for our birthdays. So I said okay fine, let's just give each other inexpensive tokens(under $25). His response was "well if that's what you and your DH want, that's fine, but SIL and I would still like gift cards." Um so you buy us something that's $25, but you want us to keep giving you $100 gift cards??

Well, it sounds like your brother has some issues or maybe financial problems that you don't know about. Regardless, it's between him and your parents (who, btw, don't actually *need* these things). Just give him a $100 gift card and opt out of further discussion. If your rich parents want to complain about their prezzies it isn't your problem. Honestly, what is the point of having money if not to opt out of this pointless drama?

[Anonymous]

You say to your brother "Let's not coordinate gifts anymore. We can each figure out our own gift and that will be simpler." Then give him the gift card that he wants so badly, expect nothing in return, that you're done. If anyone complains, say "I hope you and X can work it out."

[Anonymous]

I think I am very the opposite so maybe culturally unhelpful input but I sort of feel like adults should buy themselves things they need and gifts are just token small things to mark holidays bc you have to to do it for show but really it’s just for the kids. Like adults don’t really have expectations of actual martial goods from other adults except Maybe spouse if pre discussed?
Exception when one party (parent or child or sibling) is vastly (think x5 or more) wealthier and can use gift as a ‘guise’ to give money without losing face. That would be only time I would have expectations. But it sounds like different cultural things at play here

[Anonymous]

*actual material goods

[Anonymous]

I think its really inappropriate to be demanding expensive girts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. LOL I wasn't expecting such negative reactions!

I will stay out of it going forward. The main reason I have gotten so involved is because this is how our family operates; sibs have always coordinated gifts for the parents, but it's such a pain now that we're all married and have in-law issues to deal with.

Btw DB is not the aggrieved party here. He's very grabby with money (which is why he's gotten $200K so far, me I haven't gotten a dollar since I finished school) yet has always been stingy. And while he doesn't want to spend $$$ on gifts for the parents, he insists that we the sibs give each other gifts for Christmas & birthday because he "feels weird" not giving us anything for our birthdays. So I said okay fine, let's just give each other inexpensive tokens(under $25). His response was "well if that's what you and your DH want, that's fine, but SIL and I would still like gift cards." Um so you buy us something that's $25, but you want us to keep giving you $100 gift cards??

So you’re inserting yourself because you insert yourself? Well, okay. Stop inserting yourself and then you won’t have to deal with inserting yourself.