Reply to How to say this nicely & succinctly to my brother

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "How to say this nicely & succinctly to my brother"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DB got married a couple years ago, he and his wife are both in their 40s, they make very good incomes with very good retirement benefits.  SIL was raised by a single mom with modest means who now lives with one of her sons, my parents are much wealthier.  I guess because they have money, and because my sibs and I all do pretty well, they don't bat an eye at asking for more expensive birthday gifts, such as a new phone or computer, but they only ask when their existing one is dying or broken, they are by no means extravagant.

Cutting to the chase, my mom's been needing a new laptop for a while and [b]I suggested to my two sibs that they split the cost of one while I get a separate, more expensive gift[/b].  They said okay at first, but now DB is complaining that it's "inequitable" because he and SIL never spend this much on SIL's mom.

DB is his own person and can choose how much to spend on gifts.  But[b] my parents have noticed that he's become cheaper [/b]about gifts since he got married, they can guess why, and it's upsetting to them, which is causing tension in our family.  My parents are reasonable in their gift requests, they know DB can afford them, plus, they've given him over $200K (most of it down payment) in the last few years.  They're wondering, [b]after all we've done for you, [/b]you're going to balk over buying us the occasional nice gift?  I know this is coming from DB and not SIL (or her mom).  I also disagree with his inequity point; there's no way to balance things perfectly between the two sides of the family, every family is different etc. etc.  I also think he takes for granted what a huge gift it is from our parents to us that they are and will be financially independent for the rest of their lives.  Buying them the gifts they want is a fraction of what we would have to spend if we had to support them.  By the way, I'm not saying that conversely, they shouldn't do anything for SIL's mom; it sounds like she's done a lot for her kids and deserves to be given nice things, too.

Sorry for the treatise.  Anyway,[b] how do I nicely and convincingly tell DB that he should be more generous to my parents [/b]irrespective of what he does for SIL's mom?[/quote]

Your family's dysfunction, focus on money, inappropriate boundaries and scapegoating could make a family therapist a fortune. Stop scapegoating SIL. Stop focusing on $$$ so much. If you parents give money with strings, then they need to make those strings crystal clear so the recipient can decline. You need to stay in your lane and stop trying to boss people around and tell them how to spend their money. "After all we've done for you" is a classic narc entitlement at it's finest. You are way, way, too enmeshed and you should consider getting help before you pass on all this dysfunction with your own kids.[/quote]

I would have put this more delicately, but OP, please, please listen to this. Be the voice of reason in your family and put a stop to all the nonsense. If your parents are wealthy they can buy their own laptop. They do not need to be "gifted" one. And stop exchanging gift cards with your grown-ass siblings. A gift loses all meaning when the recipient dictates what should be given. You all might as well stand in a circle and everyone take out a $100 bill and pass to the left.

Shift the focus to togetherness. No more gift cards or material gifts. For Xmas, you all go see a show and have a fancy dinner. Everyone pays their own way . You have dinner for a siblings' birthday. Presents are for children. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics