How to say this nicely & succinctly to my brother

[Anonymous]

This is a weird thread. You all sound very materialistic. Maybe try to dial it down

[Anonymous]

Your mother is a piece of work, geez! Why doesn’t she buy her own laptop, unbelievable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

Well, I think a house is a far more sensible priority than appeasing wealthy people's desire for extravagant gifts. What does all of this say about your parents' priorities?

This! Sounds like they are responsible adults. Don’t understand these other adults expecting lavish gifts. Gross.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at “asking for gifts”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the SIL in this situation. DH’s parents are wealthy, mine are broke. I have no interest in giving extravagant gifts to either my in laws (they’re already rich!) or my parents. I have a lot of anxiety around money and just want us to be stable and invest wisely in case at some point we really *need* to help a parent. DH also comes from a culture where kids lavish their parents. Oh freaking well. Not all cultural traditions are good.

This!!! I'm so sick of hearing people on this board justifying toxic behavior because of "culture."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - forgot to say that DB and SIL can afford to give equally expensive gifts to her mom. One issue is that they always claim to be cash strapped, they are saving up for a house or something or another. But it’s ultimately about their priorities.

OP, you are acting like you have looked at his budget and income and decided what your married adult brother’s spending priorities should be.

Brother and his wife know their budget and decide on their own spending priorities!

[Anonymous]

Maybe your parents and you ought to rethink your values. They are misplaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DB got married a couple years ago, he and his wife are both in their 40s, they make very good incomes with very good retirement benefits. SIL was raised by a single mom with modest means who now lives with one of her sons, my parents are much wealthier. I guess because they have money, and because my sibs and I all do pretty well, they don't bat an eye at asking for more expensive birthday gifts, such as a new phone or computer, but they only ask when their existing one is dying or broken, they are by no means extravagant.

Cutting to the chase, my mom's been needing a new laptop for a while and I suggested to my two sibs that they split the cost of one while I get a separate, more expensive gift. They said okay at first, but now DB is complaining that it's "inequitable" because he and SIL never spend this much on SIL's mom.

DB is his own person and can choose how much to spend on gifts. But my parents have noticed that he's become cheaper about gifts since he got married, they can guess why, and it's upsetting to them, which is causing tension in our family. My parents are reasonable in their gift requests, they know DB can afford them, plus, they've given him over $200K (most of it down payment) in the last few years. They're wondering, after all we've done for you, you're going to balk over buying us the occasional nice gift? I know this is coming from DB and not SIL (or her mom). I also disagree with his inequity point; there's no way to balance things perfectly between the two sides of the family, every family is different etc. etc. I also think he takes for granted what a huge gift it is from our parents to us that they are and will be financially independent for the rest of their lives. Buying them the gifts they want is a fraction of what we would have to spend if we had to support them. By the way, I'm not saying that conversely, they shouldn't do anything for SIL's mom; it sounds like she's done a lot for her kids and deserves to be given nice things, too.

Sorry for the treatise. Anyway, how do I nicely and convincingly tell DB that he should be more generous to my parents irrespective of what he does for SIL's mom?

Np Sounds like the gravy train from your parents needs to end. But, you need to stop asking brother for his share. You can tell him why.."it doesn't seem like you want to go in with us anymore" and then do it. But, you can't tell people how to use their money. If I were parents I wouldn't be giving them large $200,000 gifts though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. LOL I wasn't expecting such negative reactions!

I will stay out of it going forward. The main reason I have gotten so involved is because this is how our family operates; sibs have always coordinated gifts for the parents, but it's such a pain now that we're all married and have in-law issues to deal with.

Btw DB is not the aggrieved party here. He's very grabby with money (which is why he's gotten $200K so far, me I haven't gotten a dollar since I finished school) yet has always been stingy. And while he doesn't want to spend $$$ on gifts for the parents, he insists that we the sibs give each other gifts for Christmas & birthday because he "feels weird" not giving us anything for our birthdays. So I said okay fine, let's just give each other inexpensive tokens(under $25). His response was "well if that's what you and your DH want, that's fine, but SIL and I would still like gift cards." Um so you buy us something that's $25, but you want us to keep giving you $100 gift cards??

Just tell him you aren't doing gifts. Just like you can't force him, he can't force you.

[Anonymous]

This situation is crazy. Your brother is cheap, but your parents have gifted him $200K. Now, your cheap brother doesn’t want to spend much on your parents because he is saving for a down payment. What? Stay out of it all. Gift your parents what you want on your own. Do not involve your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the SIL in this situation. DH’s parents are wealthy, mine are broke. I have no interest in giving extravagant gifts to either my in laws (they’re already rich!) or my parents. I have a lot of anxiety around money and just want us to be stable and invest wisely in case at some point we really *need* to help a parent. DH also comes from a culture where kids lavish their parents. Oh freaking well. Not all cultural traditions are good.

This!!! I'm so sick of hearing people on this board justifying toxic behavior because of "culture."

+100 unfortunately people are so entrenched in these cultures they can't see beyond them. At least OP is asking for advice.
I do wish people would be more specific about the culture, as that would help unravel some issues.

[Anonymous]

If we had this situation, we would take the opposite approach: give the expensive gift to the parents who can’t afford to buy it themselves. As it is, we generally spend the same amount on both families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DB got married a couple years ago, he and his wife are both in their 40s, they make very good incomes with very good retirement benefits. SIL was raised by a single mom with modest means who now lives with one of her sons, my parents are much wealthier. I guess because they have money, and because my sibs and I all do pretty well, they don't bat an eye at asking for more expensive birthday gifts, such as a new phone or computer, but they only ask when their existing one is dying or broken, they are by no means extravagant.

Cutting to the chase, my mom's been needing a new laptop for a while and I suggested to my two sibs that they split the cost of one while I get a separate, more expensive gift. They said okay at first, but now DB is complaining that it's "inequitable" because he and SIL never spend this much on SIL's mom.

DB is his own person and can choose how much to spend on gifts. But my parents have noticed that he's become cheaper about gifts since he got married, they can guess why, and it's upsetting to them, which is causing tension in our family. My parents are reasonable in their gift requests, they know DB can afford them, plus, they've given him over $200K (most of it down payment) in the last few years. They're wondering, after all we've done for you, you're going to balk over buying us the occasional nice gift? I know this is coming from DB and not SIL (or her mom). I also disagree with his inequity point; there's no way to balance things perfectly between the two sides of the family, every family is different etc. etc. I also think he takes for granted what a huge gift it is from our parents to us that they are and will be financially independent for the rest of their lives. Buying them the gifts they want is a fraction of what we would have to spend if we had to support them. By the way, I'm not saying that conversely, they shouldn't do anything for SIL's mom; it sounds like she's done a lot for her kids and deserves to be given nice things, too.

Sorry for the treatise. Anyway, how do I nicely and convincingly tell DB that he should be more generous to my parents irrespective of what he does for SIL's mom?

It seems you are the one keeping score. Maybe you could suggest no presents for adults?

[Anonymous]

We have a similar situation to the OP's, including the fact that it is our brother and his wife who are super cheap. OP, it is a losing battle so just give up. You will not change them. Get what little contribution you can from them and then continue on knowing that they are uncharitable and stingy.

[Anonymous]

I’d say a family meeting ASAP and ask that the gift thing be done. You know that Everyone can buy what they want/need, gifts are not an expression of love, and you want to stop this tradition so your dc don’t fall in to it.

Emphasize that you can be together, eat or take a walk but this need to gift needs to stop. Or, the other solution is all agree on a small, truly enjoyable item the other person would not buy themselves routinely but you know they like- artisan chocolates, fresh roasted coffee, hard copy of a magazine, fresh flowers, more expensive wine or olive oil. Just a token to say thinking of you today.

On another note, Maybe the laptop request is more it’s hard to know at their age what to get so really not the $$ but just someone to do it for them. My parents lean on my dh for this type of thing ( phones, computers, internet services) he’s more than happy to do all the work as they are overwhelmed by it. But trading gift cards is just silly in my opinion.