Anybody read tomorrow’s Carolyn Hax?

[Anonymous]

I really appreciate this discussion. It has for the most part been helpful!!!

[Anonymous]

None of us have *any* idea how these conversations went down in reality. I would need to see a recording first before choosing sides. I will say this though: No one likes to be criticized. Always try to talk to your spouse the way you would like your spouse to talk to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of us have *any* idea how these conversations went down in reality. I would need to see a recording first before choosing sides. I will say this though: No one likes to be criticized. Always try to talk to your spouse the way you would like your spouse to talk to you.

True. But sometimes what one spouse hears as criticism is the other spouse merely asking a question: “Did you get the XXXX at the store?” Someone who’s convinced their spouse is critical hears everything as criticism.

Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us have *any* idea how these conversations went down in reality. I would need to see a recording first before choosing sides. I will say this though: No one likes to be criticized. Always try to talk to your spouse the way you would like your spouse to talk to you.

True. But sometimes what one spouse hears as criticism is the other spouse merely asking a question: “Did you get the XXXX at the store?” Someone who’s convinced their spouse is critical hears everything as criticism.

Ask me how I know.

THIS. Or Hey Larlo can you work on closing the garage door when you come in the house. Its open a lot and its letting cold air in.

The response: Why cant you just close it because you see it? You left the door open last Thursday and I didnt come running to you. I just did it because we are supposed to work together right? You leave it open too.

My response: If there is something I am doing or not doing that is bothering to you, please let me know so I can work on it. I cant know what I dont know.

His response: Oh so now I am a bad person and a bad communicator and everything is my fault.

....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us have *any* idea how these conversations went down in reality. I would need to see a recording first before choosing sides. I will say this though: No one likes to be criticized. Always try to talk to your spouse the way you would like your spouse to talk to you.

True. But sometimes what one spouse hears as criticism is the other spouse merely asking a question: “Did you get the XXXX at the store?” Someone who’s convinced their spouse is critical hears everything as criticism.

Ask me how I know.

THIS. Or Hey Larlo can you work on closing the garage door when you come in the house. Its open a lot and its letting cold air in.

The response: Why cant you just close it because you see it? You left the door open last Thursday and I didnt come running to you. I just did it because we are supposed to work together right? You leave it open too.

My response: If there is something I am doing or not doing that is bothering to you, please let me know so I can work on it. I cant know what I dont know.

His response: Oh so now I am a bad person and a bad communicator and everything is my fault.

....

I understand what you’re saying here, but honestly, most of the time it’s just not worth the hassle. Don’t you think? I mean, we only get so many days here on Earth. If it were me, personally, I would notice the garage door and just close it, not say anything, and move on with my life. FWIW my DW does things that irritate me (and I know I do a lot of crap that irritates her) but I almost always keep it to myself because my God I just don’t want the distraction. I want peace. And after a few minutes I’ve completely forgotten about it.

[Anonymous]

My husband is like this. Lots of defensiveness, and it used to be really bad. Now I point out the defensiveness immediately, and he will stop himself and sit there quietly for a few minutes. Then he'll usually acknowledge the defensiveness, and we can continue the conversation.

I've also learned to inject humor into the conversation. For example, in the example a PP listed above about the garage door, I will say something like, with a smile, "good lord, I'm going to need 3 sweaters it's so cold in here!", then walk over and kiss him and say, "do you mind closing the garage door when you come it- it's bone chilling in here!" I'm from the south, he's from Michigan, so he honestly doesn't feel the cold. Humor definitely helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this. Lots of defensiveness, and it used to be really bad. Now I point out the defensiveness immediately, and he will stop himself and sit there quietly for a few minutes. Then he'll usually acknowledge the defensiveness, and we can continue the conversation.

I've also learned to inject humor into the conversation. For example, in the example a PP listed above about the garage door, I will say something like, with a smile, "good lord, I'm going to need 3 sweaters it's so cold in here!", then walk over and kiss him and say, "do you mind closing the garage door when you come it- it's bone chilling in here!" I'm from the south, he's from Michigan, so he honestly doesn't feel the cold. Humor definitely helps.

It depends on the spouse as to whether humor helps. Over the years, I’ve tried to make light of things with a chuckle, to defuse any negativity by him.

He recently told me that he thinks my little lightheartedness is condescending. So now I’m stuck, because the habit I developed in response to his defensiveness (which I intended to come across as “hey, this isn’t a big deal at all…”) apparently ALSO grates on his nerves. I feel like I can’t win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this. Lots of defensiveness, and it used to be really bad. Now I point out the defensiveness immediately, and he will stop himself and sit there quietly for a few minutes. Then he'll usually acknowledge the defensiveness, and we can continue the conversation.

I've also learned to inject humor into the conversation. For example, in the example a PP listed above about the garage door, I will say something like, with a smile, "good lord, I'm going to need 3 sweaters it's so cold in here!", then walk over and kiss him and say, "do you mind closing the garage door when you come it- it's bone chilling in here!" I'm from the south, he's from Michigan, so he honestly doesn't feel the cold. Humor definitely helps.

It depends on the spouse as to whether humor helps. Over the years, I’ve tried to make light of things with a chuckle, to defuse any negativity by him.

He recently told me that he thinks my little lightheartedness is condescending. So now I’m stuck, because the habit I developed in response to his defensiveness (which I intended to come across as “hey, this isn’t a big deal at all…”) apparently ALSO grates on his nerves. I feel like I can’t win.

There is no winning. But you are not stuck. You CAN continue to chuckle if it make you feel better. This is what this is about. Act in a calm, rational way, and don't get sucked into your partner's issues. His defensiveness and getting annoyed at your laugh? That is HIS issue. Not yours.

It is still managing their feelings. Which I'm done with. DONE I SAY. Hahahahaha. Let's see if I hold to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us have *any* idea how these conversations went down in reality. I would need to see a recording first before choosing sides. I will say this though: No one likes to be criticized. Always try to talk to your spouse the way you would like your spouse to talk to you.

True. But sometimes what one spouse hears as criticism is the other spouse merely asking a question: “Did you get the XXXX at the store?” Someone who’s convinced their spouse is critical hears everything as criticism.

Ask me how I know.

THIS. Or Hey Larlo can you work on closing the garage door when you come in the house. Its open a lot and its letting cold air in.

The response: Why cant you just close it because you see it? You left the door open last Thursday and I didnt come running to you. I just did it because we are supposed to work together right? You leave it open too.

My response: If there is something I am doing or not doing that is bothering to you, please let me know so I can work on it. I cant know what I dont know.

His response: Oh so now I am a bad person and a bad communicator and everything is my fault.

....

I understand what you’re saying here, but honestly, most of the time it’s just not worth the hassle. Don’t you think? I mean, we only get so many days here on Earth. If it were me, personally, I would notice the garage door and just close it, not say anything, and move on with my life. FWIW my DW does things that irritate me (and I know I do a lot of crap that irritates her) but I almost always keep it to myself because my God I just don’t want the distraction. I want peace. And after a few minutes I’ve completely forgotten about it.

I feel like this is how people deal with things without conflict. They just don't engage. It's very difficult for two people to have healthy conflict when so much is at stake. It's annoying but life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us have *any* idea how these conversations went down in reality. I would need to see a recording first before choosing sides. I will say this though: No one likes to be criticized. Always try to talk to your spouse the way you would like your spouse to talk to you.

True. But sometimes what one spouse hears as criticism is the other spouse merely asking a question: “Did you get the XXXX at the store?” Someone who’s convinced their spouse is critical hears everything as criticism.

Ask me how I know.

THIS. Or Hey Larlo can you work on closing the garage door when you come in the house. Its open a lot and its letting cold air in.

The response: Why cant you just close it because you see it? You left the door open last Thursday and I didnt come running to you. I just did it because we are supposed to work together right? You leave it open too.

My response: If there is something I am doing or not doing that is bothering to you, please let me know so I can work on it. I cant know what I dont know.

His response: Oh so now I am a bad person and a bad communicator and everything is my fault.

....

I understand what you’re saying here, but honestly, most of the time it’s just not worth the hassle. Don’t you think? I mean, we only get so many days here on Earth. If it were me, personally, I would notice the garage door and just close it, not say anything, and move on with my life. FWIW my DW does things that irritate me (and I know I do a lot of crap that irritates her) but I almost always keep it to myself because my God I just don’t want the distraction. I want peace. And after a few minutes I’ve completely forgotten about it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us have *any* idea how these conversations went down in reality. I would need to see a recording first before choosing sides. I will say this though: No one likes to be criticized. Always try to talk to your spouse the way you would like your spouse to talk to you.

True. But sometimes what one spouse hears as criticism is the other spouse merely asking a question: “Did you get the XXXX at the store?” Someone who’s convinced their spouse is critical hears everything as criticism.

Ask me how I know.

THIS. Or Hey Larlo can you work on closing the garage door when you come in the house. Its open a lot and its letting cold air in.

The response: Why cant you just close it because you see it? You left the door open last Thursday and I didnt come running to you. I just did it because we are supposed to work together right? You leave it open too.

My response: If there is something I am doing or not doing that is bothering to you, please let me know so I can work on it. I cant know what I dont know.

His response: Oh so now I am a bad person and a bad communicator and everything is my fault.

....

I understand what you’re saying here, but honestly, most of the time it’s just not worth the hassle. Don’t you think? I mean, we only get so many days here on Earth. If it were me, personally, I would notice the garage door and just close it, not say anything, and move on with my life. FWIW my DW does things that irritate me (and I know I do a lot of crap that irritates her) but I almost always keep it to myself because my God I just don’t want the distraction. I want peace. And after a few minutes I’ve completely forgotten about it.

I feel like this is how people deal with things without conflict. They just don't engage. It's very difficult for two people to have healthy conflict when so much is at stake. It's annoying but life.

If you think about the garage door example, it takes 5 seconds to push the button and close it yourself. Should your spouse do it on their own? Of course. But that’s not the point. If you hassle your spouse about it, that could potentially ruin your entire night and maybe most of the next day. That’s a day out of your life gone that you won’t get back. You could push that garage door button 500 times and it wouldn’t take up a day of your life. And your spouse will probably remember to do it on their own most of the time anyway. So really you would only have to do it pretty rarely. A fair tradeoff I believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us have *any* idea how these conversations went down in reality. I would need to see a recording first before choosing sides. I will say this though: No one likes to be criticized. Always try to talk to your spouse the way you would like your spouse to talk to you.

True. But sometimes what one spouse hears as criticism is the other spouse merely asking a question: “Did you get the XXXX at the store?” Someone who’s convinced their spouse is critical hears everything as criticism.

Ask me how I know.

THIS. Or Hey Larlo can you work on closing the garage door when you come in the house. Its open a lot and its letting cold air in.

The response: Why cant you just close it because you see it? You left the door open last Thursday and I didnt come running to you. I just did it because we are supposed to work together right? You leave it open too.

My response: If there is something I am doing or not doing that is bothering to you, please let me know so I can work on it. I cant know what I dont know.

His response: Oh so now I am a bad person and a bad communicator and everything is my fault.

....

I understand what you’re saying here, but honestly, most of the time it’s just not worth the hassle. Don’t you think? I mean, we only get so many days here on Earth. If it were me, personally, I would notice the garage door and just close it, not say anything, and move on with my life. FWIW my DW does things that irritate me (and I know I do a lot of crap that irritates her) but I almost always keep it to myself because my God I just don’t want the distraction. I want peace. And after a few minutes I’ve completely forgotten about it.

I feel like this is how people deal with things without conflict. They just don't engage. It's very difficult for two people to have healthy conflict when so much is at stake. It's annoying but life.

If you think about the garage door example, it takes 5 seconds to push the button and close it yourself. Should your spouse do it on their own? Of course. But that’s not the point. If you hassle your spouse about it, that could potentially ruin your entire night and maybe most of the next day. That’s a day out of your life gone that you won’t get back. You could push that garage door button 500 times and it wouldn’t take up a day of your life. And your spouse will probably remember to do it on their own most of the time anyway. So really you would only have to do it pretty rarely. A fair tradeoff I believe.

I think that's a fair point. But why not ask at least once or twice - Hey Larlo, it's getting cold out again I was wondering if you could start shutting the garage door so it tempers that icy blast from outside?? - and see if they DO shut it themself?? If they don't, no big deal. If they do, they are doing something nice for you, and you love them a little bit more.