Reply to Anybody read tomorrow’s Carolyn Hax?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband is like this. Lots of defensiveness, and it used to be really bad. Now I point out the defensiveness immediately, and he will stop himself and sit there quietly for a few minutes. Then he'll usually acknowledge the defensiveness, and we can continue the conversation.

I've also learned to inject humor into the conversation. For example, in the example a PP listed above about the garage door, I will say something like, with a smile, "good lord, I'm going to need 3 sweaters it's so cold in here!", then walk over and kiss him and say, "do you mind closing the garage door when you come it- it's bone chilling in here!" I'm from the south, he's from Michigan, so he honestly doesn't feel the cold. Humor definitely helps. [/quote]

It depends on the spouse as to whether humor helps. Over the years, I’ve tried to make light of things with a chuckle, to defuse any negativity by him.

He recently told me that he thinks my little lightheartedness is condescending. So now I’m stuck, because the habit I developed in response to his defensiveness (which I intended to come across as “hey, this isn’t a big deal at all…”) apparently ALSO grates on his nerves. I feel like I can’t win. [/quote]

There is no winning. But you are not stuck. You CAN continue to chuckle if it make you feel better.  This is what this is about. Act in a calm, rational way, and don't get sucked into your partner's issues. His defensiveness and getting annoyed at your laugh? That is HIS issue. Not yours.

It is still managing their feelings. Which I'm done with. DONE I SAY. Hahahahaha. Let's see if I hold to that.
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