Reply to Anybody read tomorrow’s Carolyn Hax?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]None of us have *any* idea how these conversations went down in reality.  I would need to see a recording first before choosing sides.  I will say this though: No one likes to be criticized.  Always try to talk to your spouse the way you would like your spouse to talk to you.[/quote]

True. But sometimes what one spouse hears as criticism is the other spouse merely asking a question: “Did you get the XXXX at the store?” Someone who’s convinced their spouse is critical hears everything as criticism.

Ask me how I know. [/quote]

THIS. Or Hey Larlo can you work on closing the garage door when you come in the house. Its open a lot and its letting cold air in.

The response: Why cant you just close it because you see it? You left the door open last Thursday and I didnt come running to you. I just did it because we are supposed to work together right? You leave it open too.

My response: If there is something I am doing or not doing that is bothering to you, please let me know so I can work on it. I cant know what I dont know.

His response: Oh so now I am a bad person and a bad communicator and everything is my fault.

.... :roll: [/quote]

I understand what you’re saying here, but honestly, most of the time it’s just not worth the hassle.  Don’t you think?  I mean, we only get so many days here on Earth.  If it were me, personally, I would notice the garage door and just close it, not say anything, and move on with my life.  FWIW my DW does things that irritate me (and I know I do a lot of crap that irritates her) but I almost always keep it to myself because my God I just don’t want the distraction.  I want peace.  And after a few minutes I’ve completely forgotten about it.[/quote]

I feel like this is how people deal with things without conflict. They just don't engage. It's very difficult for two people to have healthy conflict when so much is at stake. It's annoying but life.[/quote]

If you think about the garage door example, it takes 5 seconds to push the button and close it yourself.  Should your spouse do it on their own?  Of course.  But that’s not the point.  If you hassle your spouse about it, that could potentially ruin your entire night and maybe most of the next day.  That’s a day out of your life gone that you won’t get back.  You could push that garage door button 500 times and it wouldn’t take up a day of your life.  And your spouse will probably remember to do it on their own most of the time anyway.  So really you would only have to do it pretty rarely.  A fair tradeoff I believe.[/quote]

I think that's a fair point. But why not ask at least once or twice - Hey Larlo, it's getting cold out again I was wondering if you could start shutting the garage door so it tempers that icy blast from outside?? - and see if they DO shut it themself?? If they don't, no big deal. If they do, they are doing something nice for you, and you love them a little bit more.
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