Help with consequences -- 14 yo DD skipped school with friend, went to DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m strict but I don’t think this is a big deal. Ground her and make her do extra chores. And sure, Life360

This. Needs to be addressed but not that big of a deal. At least she called home and didn't go begging for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"She's so grown up now she gets to get herself to the grocery store and do the weekly shopping for the family."

Seriously. She made a bad decision. So what? Is this her first time she's done something stupid? All teens are stupid, their brains are regrowing. At least she's also shown you that she is capable of getting around town. She has some maturity to go with that stupidity. Why not start with a discussion about why she did it? Maybe she'll suggest a consequence worse than what you would.

But she's clearly NOT capable. They ended up in the wrong place and she didn't have enough money to pay the return fare.

This.

If she thinks she’s such a big girl and street Saavy, drive her butt to a corner in south east, kick her out the car, park a block away and see how long she lasts before she’s scared straight and comes running back begging to go home.

Nice way to teach her to be afraid of poor people of color. I’m sure your kids will grow up to be fine White nationalists.

What on earth? No one is talking about race and you are making racist comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m strict but I don’t think this is a big deal. Ground her and make her do extra chores. And sure, Life360

You are not strict. She skipped school to another state. Truancy is illegal and This could have been a disaster.

Agree with whoever said two week grounding and explaining the potential dangers of these choices …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m strict but I don’t think this is a big deal. Ground her and make her do extra chores. And sure, Life360

You are not strict. She skipped school to another state. Truancy is illegal and This could have been a disaster.

Agree with whoever said two week grounding and explaining the potential dangers of these choices …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m strict but I don’t think this is a big deal. Ground her and make her do extra chores. And sure, Life360

This. Needs to be addressed but not that big of a deal. At least she called home and didn't go begging for money.

Not this. It was potentially very dangerous and illegal. It was a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are her grades? Is she frequently in trouble at school or at gome? If my kid had good grades and was rarely in trouble, this wouldn't bother me. I'd just have her repay me 2x the cost I sent her through chores, babysitting, etc. (Repay for cost I spent, plus that same amount for the inconvenience).

Occasional skipping doesn't bother me if grades are good, and it doesn't sound like she's doing anything particularly objectionable. I'd be more disappointed in the lack of planning ahead, tbh.

This is sound advice

[Anonymous]

Really not understanding the "not a big deal" posters. Op- I think some of your DD's teen friends may be posting. This is a huge deal - esp the skipping school part. Not sure what I would do for consequences.

[Anonymous]

I would make her write an email to each teacher for each class that she skipped and explain what she chose to do that instead of attending class, and apologizing for being so disrespectful as to cut the class.

It’s not okay to be doing this at 14 and she needs to get the message loud and clear. I would find out more about when this plan was hatched and if the other kid was the instigator, and if so, she needs to learn how to deal with peer pressure.

I also think this is about trust, in that you trust her to be at school and not go places without permission.

I wouldn’t have huge consequences, but she certainly needs to feel it, including not going anywhere over the Thanksgiving break.

[Anonymous]

Here are the broader concerns I would have:
Does she typically give in to peer pressure?
Impulse control / response inhibition?

Today it was cutting school as an 8th or 9th grader - but as a parent understanding the decision making is key. For someone reason your 8th/9th grader thought it was OK to skip school. When is it that she is lying about where she is going after school? Who she is with? What she is doing?

Are there things you need to work on for peer pressure so that she figures out how to say no - or not put herself in the situation where she need to.
How would she as a 14 year old have responded to her friends recommending ditching school and going to a friends house all day and drinking (or other choices?)

You know your child - and this is a time to held them grow those decision making skills on the way to becoming adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently I'm the outlier here. First, skipping school is not ok in my house. Second, lying about your whereabouts is also a huge problem - whether it's lying by omission or lying outright. I'd also be concerned about the fact that she seems to have no street smarts or situational awareness. They intended to go into DC but ended up in Arlington AND she didn't have enough money to get back. At 14, plenty of kids don't think about things like this but that's what makes this stunt all more problematic. Fortunately she was *only* in Arlington and could call you and nothing happened, but these are the types of situations that can go wrong quickly under different circumstances.

I'd ground her for 2 weeks, remove social media apps/block content, no screens, and put a tracker on her phone. The tracker would stay on indefinitely.

I agree. I'm really surprised by the responses here.

I am surprised by the responses as well. I honestly can't imagine my kids (who tweens/teens) doing this. And yes - I would know because I can see their attendance on their report cards and the school would call me. We are not lenient with respect to truancy in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"She's so grown up now she gets to get herself to the grocery store and do the weekly shopping for the family."

Seriously. She made a bad decision. So what? Is this her first time she's done something stupid? All teens are stupid, their brains are regrowing. At least she's also shown you that she is capable of getting around town. She has some maturity to go with that stupidity. Why not start with a discussion about why she did it? Maybe she'll suggest a consequence worse than what you would.

But she's clearly NOT capable. They ended up in the wrong place and she didn't have enough money to pay the return fare.

This.

If she thinks she’s such a big girl and street Saavy, drive her butt to a corner in south east, kick her out the car, park a block away and see how long she lasts before she’s scared straight and comes running back begging to go home.

Lol. My parents tried this and it completely backfired. I was fine, became quite comfortable in sketchy areas, and ended up going to them frequently in high school because it was more fun than the suburbs. Once I was in college with zero supervision, I’d walk around them at all hours of the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps a geography class.

More practically, ground her until she's memorized the Metro map, as well as the bus lines/schedules in your area. Plus the peak and off-peak Metro fare amounts.

And get her a prepaid card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"She's so grown up now she gets to get herself to the grocery store and do the weekly shopping for the family."

Seriously. She made a bad decision. So what? Is this her first time she's done something stupid? All teens are stupid, their brains are regrowing. At least she's also shown you that she is capable of getting around town. She has some maturity to go with that stupidity. Why not start with a discussion about why she did it? Maybe she'll suggest a consequence worse than what you would.

But she's clearly NOT capable. They ended up in the wrong place and she didn't have enough money to pay the return fare.

This.

If she thinks she’s such a big girl and street Saavy, drive her butt to a corner in south east, kick her out the car, park a block away and see how long she lasts before she’s scared straight and comes running back begging to go home.

Lol. My parents tried this and it completely backfired. I was fine, became quite comfortable in sketchy areas, and ended up going to them frequently in high school because it was more fun than the suburbs. Once I was in college with zero supervision, I’d walk around them at all hours of the night.

DP. You walked around "sketchy" areas at all hours of the night because it was "fun"? I mean, I'm glad nothing happened to you but it sounds like you were working through some other issues that probably didn't have much to do with your parents' response to a particular incident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently I'm the outlier here. First, skipping school is not ok in my house. Second, lying about your whereabouts is also a huge problem - whether it's lying by omission or lying outright. I'd also be concerned about the fact that she seems to have no street smarts or situational awareness. They intended to go into DC but ended up in Arlington AND she didn't have enough money to get back. At 14, plenty of kids don't think about things like this but that's what makes this stunt all more problematic. Fortunately she was *only* in Arlington and could call you and nothing happened, but these are the types of situations that can go wrong quickly under different circumstances.

I'd ground her for 2 weeks, remove social media apps/block content, no screens, and put a tracker on her phone. The tracker would stay on indefinitely.

I agree. I'm really surprised by the responses here.

I am surprised by the responses as well. I honestly can't imagine my kids (who tweens/teens) doing this. And yes - I would know because I can see their attendance on their report cards and the school would call me. We are not lenient with respect to truancy in our house.

+1, especially about lack of forethought/awareness. Her long-term safety depends on her ability to think ahead. This time she ended up in Arlington and you could bail her out, but other outcomes could have been far less benign. And unfortunately, females need to be aware of this kind of thing A LOT more than males.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"She's so grown up now she gets to get herself to the grocery store and do the weekly shopping for the family."

Seriously. She made a bad decision. So what? Is this her first time she's done something stupid? All teens are stupid, their brains are regrowing. At least she's also shown you that she is capable of getting around town. She has some maturity to go with that stupidity. Why not start with a discussion about why she did it? Maybe she'll suggest a consequence worse than what you would.

But she's clearly NOT capable. They ended up in the wrong place and she didn't have enough money to pay the return fare.

This.

If she thinks she’s such a big girl and street Saavy, drive her butt to a corner in south east, kick her out the car, park a block away and see how long she lasts before she’s scared straight and comes running back begging to go home.

Lol. My parents tried this and it completely backfired. I was fine, became quite comfortable in sketchy areas, and ended up going to them frequently in high school because it was more fun than the suburbs. Once I was in college with zero supervision, I’d walk around them at all hours of the night.

DP. You walked around "sketchy" areas at all hours of the night because it was "fun"? I mean, I'm glad nothing happened to you but it sounds like you were working through some other issues that probably didn't have much to do with your parents' response to a particular incident.

Eh. I was a strong-willed kid with more determination than my parents. The more they tried to punish things out of me, the more I did them. For sure, I’d be horrified if my children did the things I used to, I’m very lucky nothing happened to me. Funny thing is that I was a good kid, my grades were good, I wasn’t into drugs or drinking or sex, I just wanted some freedom and to not be told what to do all day.

And yea, usually you had to go through the sketchy areas to get to the really good parties. Rich McLean white kid house parties were not my thing.