Help with consequences -- 14 yo DD skipped school with friend, went to DC

[Anonymous]

"She's so grown up now she gets to get herself to the grocery store and do the weekly shopping for the family."

Seriously. She made a bad decision. So what? Is this her first time she's done something stupid? All teens are stupid, their brains are regrowing. At least she's also shown you that she is capable of getting around town. She has some maturity to go with that stupidity. Why not start with a discussion about why she did it? Maybe she'll suggest a consequence worse than what you would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is now "hanging out" a Barnes and Noble in Clarendon, we live in Silver Spring. Apprently they didn't knwo they were going out of DC/into VA.

What would you do for consequences? Grounded + loss of phone for a month?

I am a little in shock so any thoughts appreciated. The only reason I even know this is becuase she doesn't have enough money on her metro card so she asked for money to get back to DC (?!?!).

So there is a balance here -
she felt comfortable reaching out to tell you she had a problem - and you want to keep that door open.
but - she also did something that needs to be recognized.

I would ask her what she thinks might be appropriate. Tell her you are going to think about it and tomorrow after school you will discuss. This way everyone can come to the table in a calm thoughtful manner.

[Anonymous]

How are her grades? Is she frequently in trouble at school or at gome? If my kid had good grades and was rarely in trouble, this wouldn't bother me. I'd just have her repay me 2x the cost I sent her through chores, babysitting, etc. (Repay for cost I spent, plus that same amount for the inconvenience).

Occasional skipping doesn't bother me if grades are good, and it doesn't sound like she's doing anything particularly objectionable. I'd be more disappointed in the lack of planning ahead, tbh.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is so bad. I’d suggest more trips to downtown dc with the family so that she leans to do this correctly and other ways to encourage independence and autonomy in a safe way. I did stuff like this as a teen (and stole a family friend’s boat too) and I’d say that escalating your “security measures” could easily backfire. As a kid, I would’ve viewed the additional restrictions as a challenge to overcome rather than as a true disincentive. Giving your daughter some independence and the tools to better exert that autonomy might be a better option, especially if she’s not doing drugs or something truly dangerous.

[Anonymous]

I'd ask her what she thinks the consequences should be. It's not okay to skip school, and it's not okay to take off without letting you know where she will be. But it's better not to just dump on punishment without thinking through what you're trying to accomplish. And you might be surprised at what she comes up with.

[Anonymous]

1st, put a locator on her phone for safety reasons and in case she ever loses the phone.

I would start with a conversation about why this was wrong and dangerous. I don't think that prolonged, heavy punishment is going to help you reach the goal of a more responsible child (maybe a sneakier one). Do some symbolic grounding, but have that conversation.

[Anonymous]

I assume they already use a tracker or else OP would not know where she is. I would let school assign all consequences like 0's etc Let DC know you will be checking her location very frequently now and any future skipping of school or sneaking out without letting you know will be met with harsher punishments and spell them out for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a tracker on your phone that shows you where she is at all times.

As for punishment, I don't know. She wasn't smoking crack under a bridge, was she?

I'd be more concerned about safety.

Maybe yard work (or someone else's yard work, if you don't have one).

I have a yard full of leaves she can rake. Put her on the Metro - I'll pick her up in Tyson's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is so bad. I’d suggest more trips to downtown dc with the family so that she leans to do this correctly and other ways to encourage independence and autonomy in a safe way. I did stuff like this as a teen (and stole a family friend’s boat too) and I’d say that escalating your “security measures” could easily backfire. As a kid, I would’ve viewed the additional restrictions as a challenge to overcome rather than as a true disincentive. Giving your daughter some independence and the tools to better exert that autonomy might be a better option, especially if she’s not doing drugs or something truly dangerous.

She skipped school - did everyone miss that part? I am old, and even back in the day we had lie to the school in order for our parents not to be called. I have a kid in FCPS high school. They call, text, and email if your kid misses even one class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is so bad. I’d suggest more trips to downtown dc with the family so that she leans to do this correctly and other ways to encourage independence and autonomy in a safe way. I did stuff like this as a teen (and stole a family friend’s boat too) and I’d say that escalating your “security measures” could easily backfire. As a kid, I would’ve viewed the additional restrictions as a challenge to overcome rather than as a true disincentive. Giving your daughter some independence and the tools to better exert that autonomy might be a better option, especially if she’s not doing drugs or something truly dangerous.

She skipped school - did everyone miss that part? I am old, and even back in the day we had lie to the school in order for our parents not to be called. I have a kid in FCPS high school. They call, text, and email if your kid misses even one class.

When I was in HS I'd skip PE and go in the car with my friend down to the beach. We'd be back in time for the next class. At the end of the day the attendance team would PHONE the home of every kid whose class was missed. I'd just answer, pretend to be a parent and say "oh that's fine, she's excused". And that was the end of that.

[Anonymous]

Ground for a month and restrict phone to leaving the house but all apps and other stuff removed. I would go get her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably figured it was NBD.

In the mind of an autonomous- seeking 14 yr old who feels invisible and doesnt have the mindset to be a forward thinker, she probably figured school is a big nothing burger during the shortened Thanksgiving week, other kids were skipping too, it's "just" the bookstore/not a rap concert, She reached out to you as a trusted source for help when in need, etc.

I'm not necessarily condoning it, but it really helps to put it into the context and perspective of a 14 yr old.

I actually think it's brilliant she could navigate metro, opt for a bookstore to hang out, and know that she can call me anytime for help no matter what.

If she's ordinarily a good kid, just talk it through with her. The skipping school part is a bit frowny, but otherwise emphasize you trust her not to repeat this w/o touching base with you again.

At 14 with friends it’s not that hard to do. Sounds like you are ok with it which is why your kids do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ground for 2 weeks.
No screens, but TV with family, for 2 weeks.
Extra chores.

Explain the danger of doing what she did and then let it go.

The dangers of going to Clarendon? On the orange line?

What are the dangers, that she'll develop an affinity for brown flip flops?

[Anonymous]

I think it's funny. I wouldn't even be mad. Maybe make her do some extra chores or invite me next time so I can skip out on work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ground for 2 weeks.
No screens, but TV with family, for 2 weeks.
Extra chores.

Explain the danger of doing what she did and then let it go.

The dangers of going to Clarendon? On the orange line?

What are the dangers, that she'll develop an affinity for brown flip flops?

The dangers of having so little knowledge about the geography of the region or about metro that she ended up in Clarendon when she intended to end up in DC. Did she even know where in DC she wanted to go or was this just some vague notion of going to the city for the day?