Anyone else not care that much about cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has gone through it, I believe this as well. Cheating is bad, but so are a lot of other things. I think most betrayed partners don’t realize that the cheating doesn’t have anything to do with them. Sexless married guy will chime in that happily married and well sexed men don’t cheat. That’s BS.

In my case, and that of my friends, our spouses cheated because they were broke inside - midlife crisis, addicts, childhood trauma, too much stress, low self-esteem, etc. The cheating was a manifestation of the problems of the cheater. The betrayed spouse wasn’t to blame or the cause.

Once you can bifurcate the pain that you feel as a result of the betrayal from the underlying cause, then you can accept the cheating for what it is - a spouse not being able to deal with their underlying issues. It could have just as easily have been gambling, a new sports car, drinking, partying, workaholic, or extreme exercise. It’s a way to escape from the bad feelings caused by the issues. Love and new sex energy are a drug, and the high they produce make you feel good when you’re normally feeling bad.

My cheating spouse got help and has changed his life. I was crushed after I found out. Once I was able to heal and see things without the cloud of pain hanging over me, I know I had nothing to do with his cheating.

I would have rather he bought the sports car.

It would not have destroyed me emotionally, lost the trust or endangered my health. We both make a lot of $- I probably would even said “go for it!” With the sports car since he’s so frugal.

Instead he went the Ashley Madison route and found someone else with underlying/mental issues.

It would be a lot easier to get over a Porsche in the driveway.

[Anonymous]

^ DP. the massive midlife crisises usually have multiple things in that list. Lol

Spouse had affair, exercised above and beyond the extreme, started drinking he’s only from the guilt and turned into a frat boy. It was a lobotomy.

[Anonymous]

I know I had absolutely nothing to do with his affair, nor did our marriage. He never once blamed me. He has repeated to his therapists it was all what was inside of him, his emptiness. It was just an escape, not love blah blah.

It doesn’t matter to me the reasons. The fact he was capable of doing something so dishonest, dangerous and that would hurt me so much is not something I can get over. I have not been able to make that jump because I would never ever do something like that. And, yes, I had a great childhood and he had a very traumatic one but I still can’t reconcile that in my head, no matter how hard I try and how much therapy work he’s done and how much he has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you okay if your H is having sex with men?

Not OP, but anal sex carries more risk for disease transmission because of the higher likelihood of micro tearing/blood. I’d take issue with this whether it was with a man or woman

How about if it was the occasional random oral hookup at the gym with another married guy, no anal involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my husband cheated (ONS) less once every couple yrs while on business, I don’t want to know and don’t really care.

If is/was having a long term affair that was taking money, time, resources from our family, I’d end the marriage.

+1 If it weren't for the health risks of the first scenario, I'd propose it for both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I care a lot less after 16 years of marriage. I wonder if people who get wound up over cheating are still in the new and passionate phase? I would have been far more hurt then. Now, I kinda get it.

25-years. We still had passionate sex. It’s harder because of our history and we have kids. If it were early on and I didn’t have kids, I would have walked no matter how strong the love was. If you are in your youth and no baggage it’s a lot easier than if you have children and entire life mixed together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you okay if your H is having sex with men?

Not OP, but anal sex carries more risk for disease transmission because of the higher likelihood of micro tearing/blood. I’d take issue with this whether it was with a man or woman

How about if it was the occasional random oral hookup at the gym with another married guy, no anal involved?

If my husband had gay sex. It’s over. I married a heterosexual. So yeah a guy having sex with guys—no way in hell.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, OP, but don't think that the "majority opinion" on DCUM actually comes from hundreds of real-life individuals. I suspect there are a handful of obsessed posters on the Relationship Forum who will drown out any opinion other than "cheaters are scum and deserve to rot in hell" and "cheating is the worst thing ever (because I lived such a sheltered life I haven't lived anything more traumatic)". I can't relate at all, and I think a good part of the married population can't either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has gone through it, I believe this as well. Cheating is bad, but so are a lot of other things. I think most betrayed partners don’t realize that the cheating doesn’t have anything to do with them. Sexless married guy will chime in that happily married and well sexed men don’t cheat. That’s BS.

In my case, and that of my friends, our spouses cheated because they were broke inside - midlife crisis, addicts, childhood trauma, too much stress, low self-esteem, etc. The cheating was a manifestation of the problems of the cheater. The betrayed spouse wasn’t to blame or the cause.

Once you can bifurcate the pain that you feel as a result of the betrayal from the underlying cause, then you can accept the cheating for what it is - a spouse not being able to deal with their underlying issues. It could have just as easily have been gambling, a new sports car, drinking, partying, workaholic, or extreme exercise. It’s a way to escape from the bad feelings caused by the issues. Love and new sex energy are a drug, and the high they produce make you feel good when you’re normally feeling bad.

My cheating spouse got help and has changed his life. I was crushed after I found out. Once I was able to heal and see things without the cloud of pain hanging over me, I know I had nothing to do with his cheating.

I don't see how this matters? I am glad you worked through it, but how does the fact that it has nothing to do with you lead you to agree with OP when they say that "you don't care that much about cheating?"

Sure, a cheater is making bad choices because they are trying to escape their underylying issues. But same goes for people who physically abuse their spouses, or who drink so much they get fired, or parents who yell constantly at their kids. Just because it's 100% their issue and not yours doesn't mean that people who refuse to accept that behavior don't understand that. or that it's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I had absolutely nothing to do with his affair, nor did our marriage. He never once blamed me. He has repeated to his therapists it was all what was inside of him, his emptiness. It was just an escape, not love blah blah.

It doesn’t matter to me the reasons. The fact he was capable of doing something so dishonest, dangerous and that would hurt me so much is not something I can get over. I have not been able to make that jump because I would never ever do something like that. And, yes, I had a great childhood and he had a very traumatic one but I still can’t reconcile that in my head, no matter how hard I try and how much therapy work he’s done and how much he has changed.

If you want my two cents, it's not something that you should feel obligated to get other, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you, OP, but don't think that the "majority opinion" on DCUM actually comes from hundreds of real-life individuals. I suspect there are a handful of obsessed posters on the Relationship Forum who will drown out any opinion other than "cheaters are scum and deserve to rot in hell" and "cheating is the worst thing ever (because I lived such a sheltered life I haven't lived anything more traumatic)". I can't relate at all, and I think a good part of the married population can't either

Why is your opinion the norm and others' isn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you okay if your H is having sex with men?

Not OP, but anal sex carries more risk for disease transmission because of the higher likelihood of micro tearing/blood. I’d take issue with this whether it was with a man or woman

How about if it was the occasional random oral hookup at the gym with another married guy, no anal involved?

If my husband had gay sex. It’s over. I married a heterosexual. So yeah a guy having sex with guys—no way in hell.

Somebody's a homophobe.

[Anonymous]

I don’t mind cheating as I have an emotionally unavailable spouse who doesn’t talk to care about me or the kids. We’re all props in his play to appear normal to people at work or around the school or neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

My spouse has several mental disorders and won’t move out of the house or take care of the house or kids. Thus we have an open marriage. I don’t view it as cheating. He views it as a housekeeper and nanny situation where he can work all the time, sleep and watch tv and eat at will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I had absolutely nothing to do with his affair, nor did our marriage. He never once blamed me. He has repeated to his therapists it was all what was inside of him, his emptiness. It was just an escape, not love blah blah.

It doesn’t matter to me the reasons. The fact he was capable of doing something so dishonest, dangerous and that would hurt me so much is not something I can get over. I have not been able to make that jump because I would never ever do something like that. And, yes, I had a great childhood and he had a very traumatic one but I still can’t reconcile that in my head, no matter how hard I try and how much therapy work he’s done and how much he has changed.

If you want my two cents, it's not something that you should feel obligated to get other, either.

Sorry, obligated to get *over* is what I meant.