Plans for supporting elderly parents causing relationship issues??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a little shell shocked here. First off, my daughter's college is not an issue. She has a college fund, and a father with so many assets that any CSS profile makes her ineligible for aid. UVA uses the CSS in addition to the FAFSA anyway. And all her other schools are private. Secondly, my kids have a rich asshole dad and my divorce agreement protects them for life.

I'm with this guy because he's loving and kind-- yes too generous-- but not the kind of asshole my workaholic arrogant narcissistic ex husband was.

Lots of men are financially devastated by divorce. That doesn't mean they deserve no future. After eight years single I ran across all the types of single men in their 40's-- the losers, the scam artists, the impotent ones, the misogynists, the control freaks, and the fundamentally broken.

This guy is not that. He does all the cooking, all the cleaning, takes me to doctors appointments, loves my disabled son way more than his own dad does, and is supportive of my career and nice to my family. In addition, his income is 4x what mine is.

Yes, he needs to learn basic financial skills, and his dynamic with his family of origin is clearly fundamentally problematic. But so is mine. My mother has borderline personality disorder and my father comes from a long line of alcoholics. People come with stuff-- it's what they do with it that counts.

So the advice I was looking for was how to work together to establish boundaries and protect us from them.

FWIW we had already decided not to get legally married because living in a high cost of living area, the SALT CAP means our taxes would go up $8K annually by getting legally married. We are getting married in a church, which is what I consider marriage.

I do appreciate all the concerns and red flags-- trust me, I have been with that guy before- the user and loser. But this guy is better than that. He's just imperfect like all of us.

Okay no. He's financially devastated by *his own choices*, including to live above his means. You think his family is the issue, but really it's HIM! Even without his family, he doesn't have enough saved and if you are with him, you will have to subsidize him. Are you willing and able to do that? It doesn't sound like you are.

[Anonymous]

Well it sounds like you are not getting legally married — so you actually are doing exactly what all the advice here is telling you.

But, you are still making a ton of excuses for this guy’s poor life choices. I hope it works out, but it will be good that you are not legally married if this doesn’t work out.

[Anonymous]

Well, she can mad in the same pants she poops in.

She should be happy more people are getting vaccinated no matter the circumstances. Sorry she was a jerk.

[Anonymous]

He makes FOUR TIMES as much as you, yet has failed on both college AND retirement savings, AND had credit card debt until recently? Come on, OP. Open your eyes to what is right in front of your face. You are going to end up paying for his retirement.

As for his parents, seems like they're going to run out of money and end up on Medicaid. Check out some Medicaid retirement places and you'll see how not-so-nice they are. And people on Medicaid get to keep only a very small part of their Social Security as spending money. Anything they want, like dinner our, new clothes, things not covered by Medicaid, your partner and his siblings will be paying for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This guy is not that. He does all the cooking, all the cleaning, takes me to doctors appointments, loves my disabled son way more than his own dad does, and is supportive of my career and nice to my family. In addition, his income is 4x what mine is.

Yes, he needs to learn basic financial skills, and his dynamic with his family of origin is clearly fundamentally problematic. But so is mine. My mother has borderline personality disorder and my father comes from a long line of alcoholics. People come with stuff-- it's what they do with it that counts.

So the advice I was looking for was how to work together to establish boundaries and protect us from them.

FWIW we had already decided not to get legally married because living in a high cost of living area, the SALT CAP means our taxes would go up $8K annually by getting legally married. We are getting married in a church, which is what I consider marriage.

I do appreciate all the concerns and red flags-- trust me, I have been with that guy before- the user and loser. But this guy is better than that. He's just imperfect like all of us.

OP - my situation is so similar to yours! If you are hell bent on ignoring the unanimous advice of others on this thread, PLEASE at the very least, get a prenup!!! DH's income is 4X mine and we've had so many fights over money and it has caused me so much stress and anxiety.

For example, we've had back taxes from before we were married that he didn't disclose, then back taxes from the first few years years we were married and filed jointly. DH, who makes a large income, even by DCUM standards, prioritizes sending money to his broke parents and adult children over even paying taxes. In other words, money I thought I might save on taxes by getting married was lost times 1000 on penalties and interest. Obviously, we don't file joint taxes anymore. Other issues we've dealt with include massive hidden credit card debt and bounced checks from our joint checking account that he'll deplete between pay periods. He's raided his retirement off and on. He is delusional about the future. Despite my lower income, I would 100% be wealthier if I remained single. I would also have less gray hair and anxiety. Outside of financial irresponsibility and financial infidelity, my DH is also a great, loving man who deserves a happy life. I think we might have been okay as a long term couple. Something about getting married enabled his spending even more than when we were single.

I still think you should not get married, but if that ship has sailed, get a prenup!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No! Absolutely do not marry. A man like this will RUIN your finances very very quickly and you might not even know until it's too late. Do you even know the full extent of his problems? I would make him show you a credit report.

You seem to be in denial. The problem is not his parents. The problem is him! And if he doesn't have enough retirement savings he's not going to get there between now and when he's too old to work. He might be thinking he can work forever, but is that what you want? And often times health or layoffs force people out of the workforce when they still really need the money. If he can't fund his own retirement, and he's not going to get anything from his parents, who's going to fund his retirement? YOU.

OP, at your age, with kids, you can't afford the financial mistake that is marrying this man. Live together. But, think about the future and what it will look like financially. I would have grave concerns even continuing the relationship. He is going to expect YOU to support HIM. Stevie Wonder could see it.

[Anonymous]

PP. I missed the part where you already decided not to get legally married. Ignore everything I said and congratulations on making good life choices!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you are not getting legally married — so you actually are doing exactly what all the advice here is telling you.

But, you are still making a ton of excuses for this guy’s poor life choices. I hope it works out, but it will be good that you are not legally married if this doesn’t work out.

OP, what kind of service does one have in a church that is not legally binding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No! Absolutely do not marry. A man like this will RUIN your finances very very quickly and you might not even know until it's too late. Do you even know the full extent of his problems? I would make him show you a credit report.

You seem to be in denial. The problem is not his parents. The problem is him! And if he doesn't have enough retirement savings he's not going to get there between now and when he's too old to work. He might be thinking he can work forever, but is that what you want? And often times health or layoffs force people out of the workforce when they still really need the money. If he can't fund his own retirement, and he's not going to get anything from his parents, who's going to fund his retirement? YOU.

OP, at your age, with kids, you can't afford the financial mistake that is marrying this man. Live together. But, think about the future and what it will look like financially. I would have grave concerns even continuing the relationship. He is going to expect YOU to support HIM. Stevie Wonder could see it.

Here's what the future holds for OP with this man:

1) Finding out about secret debt and tax problems.

2) His family financial situation being worse than OP knows and OP being constantly asked for money.

3) OP's partner having an illness and being unable to work for a while. OP can you afford to carry the household during this time? What if he loses his health insurance?

4) He gets too old/sick to work or loses his job and can't find another one. He's effectively retired, but his savings run out. He can't cover his own expenses or his share of the mortgage, ever again. OP, what will you do? Are you going to break up with him if this happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you are not getting legally married — so you actually are doing exactly what all the advice here is telling you.

But, you are still making a ton of excuses for this guy’s poor life choices. I hope it works out, but it will be good that you are not legally married if this doesn’t work out.

OP, what kind of service does one have in a church that is not legally binding?

NP here. I imagine the kind where you don’t sign the marriage certificate? The church cares that you pay the fee and agree to premarital counseling or whatever terms they have. After we got married we had to take the marriage certificate to the courthouse before we were legally married. It would be easy to skip that step and just have the church wedding and reception.

[Anonymous]

Don't get married! You can stay together but don't co-mingle your funds. This guy is a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a little shell shocked here. First off, my daughter's college is not an issue. She has a college fund, and a father with so many assets that any CSS profile makes her ineligible for aid. UVA uses the CSS in addition to the FAFSA anyway. And all her other schools are private. Secondly, my kids have a rich asshole dad and my divorce agreement protects them for life.

I'm with this guy because he's loving and kind-- yes too generous-- but not the kind of asshole my workaholic arrogant narcissistic ex husband was.

Lots of men are financially devastated by divorce. That doesn't mean they deserve no future. After eight years single I ran across all the types of single men in their 40's-- the losers, the scam artists, the impotent ones, the misogynists, the control freaks, and the fundamentally broken.

This guy is not that. He does all the cooking, all the cleaning, takes me to doctors appointments, loves my disabled son way more than his own dad does, and is supportive of my career and nice to my family. In addition, his income is 4x what mine is.

Yes, he needs to learn basic financial skills, and his dynamic with his family of origin is clearly fundamentally problematic. But so is mine. My mother has borderline personality disorder and my father comes from a long line of alcoholics. People come with stuff-- it's what they do with it that counts.

So the advice I was looking for was how to work together to establish boundaries and protect us from them.

FWIW we had already decided not to get legally married because living in a high cost of living area, the SALT CAP means our taxes would go up $8K annually by getting legally married. We are getting married in a church, which is what I consider marriage.

I do appreciate all the concerns and red flags-- trust me, I have been with that guy before- the user and loser. But this guy is better than that. He's just imperfect like all of us.

So much to unpack here.

You clearly went from one extreme to the other. There can be a happy medium.

You are not responsible for providing the happy future for this guy, no matter how nice he is.

The fact that your family of origin has issues does not mean you have to be with someone who also has issues. You aren't broken.

What's the plan for when he stops working? What's the plan for if he has to stop working before he wants to?

When you say he makes four times what you do, can you be more specific? If you make $250K, for example, then this guy is making $1M a year and can't figure his life out and has no savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He makes FOUR TIMES as much as you, yet has failed on both college AND retirement savings, AND had credit card debt until recently? Come on, OP. Open your eyes to what is right in front of your face. You are going to end up paying for his retirement.

As for his parents, seems like they're going to run out of money and end up on Medicaid. Check out some Medicaid retirement places and you'll see how not-so-nice they are. And people on Medicaid get to keep only a very small part of their Social Security as spending money. Anything they want, like dinner our, new clothes, things not covered by Medicaid, your partner and his siblings will be paying for.

+1

OP, this thread is a rarity on DCUM in that EVERYONE agrees that you should not attach yourself to this guy. And yet, you somehow know better (?).

Take a look at what is right in front of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you are not getting legally married — so you actually are doing exactly what all the advice here is telling you.

But, you are still making a ton of excuses for this guy’s poor life choices. I hope it works out, but it will be good that you are not legally married if this doesn’t work out.

OP, what kind of service does one have in a church that is not legally binding?

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I suggest you and your fiance meet with both a financial advisor and a pre-marital counselor. It's good that you won't be legally married. A financial advisor can help your fiance get his affairs in order. You say you're a low earner and he makes 4x what you do. Even if you only make 25k a year, that means he makes at least 100k a year. That's sufficient income to have a better financial picture than he does. A financial advisor can advise you both what you should be saving for the future and help him (and you) craft a budget to include long-term savings. Once you have "paid yourselves" you can look at whether he has any discretionary funds left to give to his parents.

You should also meet with a marriage counselor, to help you both get on the same page with respect to family boundaries. You need to find a place where you are both reasonably content. Otherwise, resentment will fester and you'll end up breaking up.