Plans for supporting elderly parents causing relationship issues??

[Anonymous]

I am about to be remarried after being a single mom for 8 years. My fiance has a history of financial irresponsibility. Nothing horrible. He pays his bills and his half of our joint mortgage. But he still has grad school loans (at 52) and he doesn't have enough saved for his kids' college, or nearly enough for his own retirement. He had credit card debt which I helped him figure out how to pay off. His son is going to college next year as is my daughter. I have a low salary job but have always been a saver and extremely concerned about retirement and long term care. I work in elder care so I know how financially devastating those expenses can be for families.

My fiance's parents live in Manhattan-- they retired there to join their adult daughters and grandkids. After selling their house in Suburban New York, they spent down all their savings/house profit and are now living on social security and a small pension. After two decades of luxury travel and a high life retirement in the most expensive zip code in America, they have now called my fiance and asked for a stipend for the rest of their lives to support their lifestyle.

As in, they want a monthly allowance to keep living in Manhattan. And, by the way, they have zero assets left for their later years when their health wanes.

Let me state clearly that I adore his parents. They are loving and fun and wonderful.

But I can't get my mind wrapped around this. My fiance suggested to his sisters that they move to Brooklyn to cut costs and they looked at him like he grew a third head.

He feels pressure to provide for his parents (who never hinted before when they were living the high life that funds were limited). I feel absolutely terrified that this man with not enough of his own retirement and not enough savings for his kid to go to college is going to end up ruining my life financially because he doesn't know how to say no to anybody (parents, adult kids, even ex wife).

Any advice for how to proceed with this sticky situation, treating his parents with respect but setting reasonable boundaries knowing we just can't support their lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

I have a lot to say on this one because I married into a similar but different situation.

First, have you fully researched the impact of getting married on your daughter and his son qualifying for financial aid?

Second, do you really need to get married? Can you just enjoy him as your forever fiancee, live together, sign health care power of attorney's for each other? You don't want to take on your partner's debt at your age (or any age) - I promise! If you've always been a saver and LBYM, his debt will sour the relationship and lead to serious resentment.

Third, if you ever do get married, don't comingle your accounts. A joint account for the mortgage and shared expenses, fine, but nothing more.

Fourth, you probably have to stay out of his relationship with his parents and his child. The best way to do that is don't get married. If you do get married, get a prenup, don't get any joint credit cards, and bank separately, apart from the joint mortgage you already have.

[Anonymous]

This isn't the question you're asking, but have you considered the impact that being married will have on your daughter (and his son's) financial aid if they are planning on college? Getting married may negatively impact the FA available for both kids.

There was a thread on here awhile back with a similar situation (although the stepdad was pretty wealthy) and most people were advising that getting married was a big misstep by the low-earner mom.

I wouldn't get married until my daughter was at least through undergrad to give her a fighting chance to get as much FA as possible.

[Anonymous]

OP, here's the thread I referenced. Situation is different (stepdad won't help with daughter's education costs, while his high income is included in the FA calculation), but you can see what people said about the decision to get married negatively impacting the FA. Maybe you can use that as a reason to put the kibosh on the wedding for now and frame it as helping both kids out.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/982311.page

[Anonymous]

Do not marry this guy. It makes zero sense to tie yourselves together financially. Just live together.

[Anonymous]

^ I agree, don’t marry him!!

[Anonymous]

Don’t get married.

[Anonymous]

I would not get married under these circumstances. No upside, lots of downside.

[Anonymous]

OMG. DO NOT MARRY DO NOT MARRY DO NOT MARRY.

Honestly what is the appeal of marrying this man? You could just live together and call each other "partners" (the permanent fiance thing is tacky and awkward IMO).

[Anonymous]

DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY.

Your lifetime of careful saving car and will go swirling down the drain. Agree with those that say you need to understand the effects of financial add on both children. Shack up, split bills, but do not marry this guy.

[Anonymous]

No! Absolutely do not marry. A man like this will RUIN your finances very very quickly and you might not even know until it's too late. Do you even know the full extent of his problems? I would make him show you a credit report.

You seem to be in denial. The problem is not his parents. The problem is him! And if he doesn't have enough retirement savings he's not going to get there between now and when he's too old to work. He might be thinking he can work forever, but is that what you want? And often times health or layoffs force people out of the workforce when they still really need the money. If he can't fund his own retirement, and he's not going to get anything from his parents, who's going to fund his retirement? YOU.

[Anonymous]

He can't afford their lifestyle? Sorry no. He can't afford even his own lifestyle and that is the real problem here.

[Anonymous]

Do not marry him. This is a huge huge red flag and you're wise for seeing it. Don't ignore it.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry but I must join the chorus here, the effects of your potential marriage on both children’s financial aid could be devastating. Both of your incomes could be imputed to both children! It sounds like his poor financial education started with his parents and at his age, will not be overcome. Once he sends $200 a month to his parents and perhaps takes out parent plus loans for his son, he may not be abl e to pay his half of the mortgage. I am sure that he is a wonderful man. I strongly advise against marriage. As you already live together, aside from getting each other’s social security at death, there is no upside as someone stated…only down…down…down.

PS, I don't think you can tell him not to support his parents. But you can insist that the mortgage etc be paid every month on time at your house.

[Anonymous]

OP you’re going to ruin your daughter’s life if you marry this guy. He’s 52 and has no retirement plan. He’s at the age where health scares will be more common — what happens if he can’t work anymore? Are you going to spend all your savings funding his retirement AND his parents retirement? What happens when YOU need to retire? Are you just going to dump your crap on your daughter because you spent your savings on a man?

DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!!

At a minimum wait until your daughter is out of college so you don’t completely f*ck up her life.