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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
This guy is not that. He does all the cooking, all the cleaning, takes me to doctors appointments, loves my disabled son way more than his own dad does, and is supportive of my career and nice to my family. In addition, his income is 4x what mine is.

Yes, he needs to learn basic financial skills, and his dynamic with his family of origin is clearly fundamentally problematic. But so is mine. My mother has borderline personality disorder and my father comes from a long line of alcoholics. People come with stuff-- it's what they do with it that counts.

So the advice I was looking for was how to work together to establish boundaries and protect us from them.

FWIW we had already decided not to get legally married because living in a high cost of living area, the SALT CAP means our taxes would go up $8K annually by getting legally married. We are getting married in a church, which is what I consider marriage.

I do appreciate all the concerns and red flags-- trust me, I have been with that guy before- the user and loser. But this guy is better than that. He's just imperfect like all of us. 
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OP - my situation is so similar to yours!  If you are hell bent on ignoring the unanimous advice of others on this thread, PLEASE at the very least, get a prenup!!! DH's income is 4X mine and we've had so many fights over money and it has caused me so much stress and anxiety.

For example, we've had back taxes from before we were married that he didn't disclose, then back taxes from the first few years years we were married and filed jointly.  DH, who makes a large income, even by DCUM standards, prioritizes sending money to his broke parents and adult children over even paying taxes.  In other words, money I thought I might save on taxes by getting married was lost times 1000 on penalties and interest.  Obviously, we don't file joint taxes anymore.  Other issues we've dealt with include massive hidden credit card debt and bounced checks from our joint checking account that he'll deplete between pay periods.  He's raided his retirement off and on.  He is delusional about the future.  Despite my lower income, I would 100% be wealthier if I remained single.  I would also have less gray hair and anxiety.  Outside of financial irresponsibility and financial infidelity, my DH is also a great, loving man who deserves a happy life.  I think we might have been okay as a long term couple.  Something about getting married enabled his spending even more than when we were single.

I still think you should not get married, but if that ship has sailed, get a prenup!!! [/quote]

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