Re-establishing boundaries with best friend

[Anonymous]

Please give me some advice.

Over the past three years I have become very close friends with another mom, and it's safe to say we are best friends. She's genuinely a very good person and we have had many fun and good times together. However, like all good people, she has her faults and one fault is that she is a little selfish. She takes more than she gives. I repeatedly inconvenience myself for her and she almost never does for me (late night emotional support for a crisis in her marriage; giving her the name and number of the math tutor I use for my DD for her son; picking up her son from extracurriculars if she's completely unable to, etc). She's definitely shown that she cares in other ways - she give me good advice, she praises me in front of others, etc. But I do know that I repeatedly make myself available to do favors for her even though she doesn't care enough to stay up late with me when I'm really upset about something or just inconvenience herself in any way.

And it's my fault. I have low self-esteem, I was really eager to please and thrilled to find a great new friend after being a lonely new transplant to DC with an introverted, quiet DH, I subconsciously don't believe I deserve equal treatment in a friendship (though, surprisingly, my marriage is quite ok!). I think it is partly because I perceive my friend to be better than me: more social and entertaining, wittier, etc. I know, it's my bad self-esteem that is enabling her own issues with entitlement, selfishness, etc.

The issue is I want to break this pattern of behavior. I do want to keep this friendship - maybe not quite so close - but on more even terms, and I think I have to be the one to change my behavior to make that happen. How do you re-set boundaries gradually and nicely, without shaking things up too aggressively? And more importantly how do you do it in a way that will keep your friend?

[Anonymous]

To be honest, there is no way to bring this up without offending her.

I would abandon the idea of changing her and instead focus on not constantly being helpful to the point where you expect her to reciprocate and get resentful when she doesn't. Don't volunteer for things as much. It's possible that she just doesn't expect as much out of you as you think (but she'll take it when offered).

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have to take any big stand, or make any overt gestures. Quite the opposite, I would suggest starting small and
1. Don't answer the phone or reply to texts after a certain time, whenever you choose that time to be
2. Stop picking up her kid from any activities
Those are just from the examples you provided. I would add a third specific thing you will do for something else that you don't want to do anymore, like buying her coffee or spotting her money at outings.

You almost need to think of it as retraining yourself, since you are so used to saying "yes." If you start with a few specific things and stick to it, you can gradually add in other changes and it will be more of a natural change and you can see how she responds

[Anonymous]

There's nothing for you to say to her. There are things you need to change about yourself. I have a close friend who will take, take, take. And if she asks me for something and I say no, she will pull catholic guilt (great I guess this means we won't eat dinner tonight/shit now I have to shell out $20 I don't have, etc). I just ignore it and stick firmly to my boundaries.

I only give what I'm happy to give. I protect myself. There's no reason you can't say "Julie, this thing with you and Mark sounds really stressful. I have to go to sleep soon, but do you want to meet for coffee on Thursday to talk more?"

[Anonymous]

Thanks, these are helpful; keep them coming. And yes I should have specified, I already figured I couldn't change her. People don't really change when forced. I have to change myself. I agree that I should make myself less available.

To the PP at 22:39, when you started sticking to your boundaries, how did your close friend react - did she threaten to end the friendship? Did she accept it? Do you still have closeness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's possible that she just doesn't expect as much out of you as you think (but she'll take it when offered).

Also, this is very interesting. (OP again). I wish I'd known that before; worried I may have set her expectations high for my help now.

[Anonymous]

Are you in therapy OP? If not, you might be better off working with someone one-on-one to deal with the poor self-esteem head on rather than anonymous advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, these are helpful; keep them coming. And yes I should have specified, I already figured I couldn't change her. People don't really change when forced. I have to change myself. I agree that I should make myself less available.

To the PP at 22:39, when you started sticking to your boundaries, how did your close friend react - did she threaten to end the friendship? Did she accept it? Do you still have closeness?

It's FINE. She just vents through the guilt trips and then it's over. We're still close, and she never threatens to end the friendship (who would do that? that's so immature - something I'd expect from a second grader). Often she's asking for favors via text, so I say "Sorry, can't do it!" and she guilt trips, and I generally ignore that text. No big deal.

May I gently suggest you branch out and get some more friendships? Because you need higher self-esteem. And I think you'll feel better about yourself if all your eggs are not in one friend-basket, you know?

[Anonymous]

1. Relationships are never 50/50 and what one person brings to it is very hard to compare to what the other person brings.

2. You should quietly modify your priorities towards her so that you're not jumping through hoops to save her all the time. This is the only way to wean her off without offense.

I had to do this with my best friend. Same relationship, same low-esteem, etc. I ended up running an informal (and free!) summer camp for her kid and my kids one summer because she had not gotten her act together to line up childcare. She kept asking me for "one extra week, a couple more days." I was so exhausted it brought me to my senses, and after that I politely refused to help her at times when I preferred doing something else. She got the message and now has added a few more helping friends to her roster so that she doesn't need to rely on me all the time. Our relationship is on a much better footing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please give me some advice.

Over the past three years I have become very close friends with another mom, and it's safe to say we are best friends. She's genuinely a very good person and we have had many fun and good times together. However, like all good people, she has her faults and one fault is that she is a little selfish. She takes more than she gives. I repeatedly inconvenience myself for her and she almost never does for me (late night emotional support for a crisis in her marriage; giving her the name and number of the math tutor I use for my DD for her son; picking up her son from extracurriculars if she's completely unable to, etc). She's definitely shown that she cares in other ways - she give me good advice, she praises me in front of others, etc. But I do know that I repeatedly make myself available to do favors for her even though she doesn't care enough to stay up late with me when I'm really upset about something or just inconvenience herself in any way.

And it's my fault. I have low self-esteem, I was really eager to please and thrilled to find a great new friend after being a lonely new transplant to DC with an introverted, quiet DH, I subconsciously don't believe I deserve equal treatment in a friendship (though, surprisingly, my marriage is quite ok!). I think it is partly because I perceive my friend to be better than me: more social and entertaining, wittier, etc. I know, it's my bad self-esteem that is enabling her own issues with entitlement, selfishness, etc.

The issue is I want to break this pattern of behavior. I do want to keep this friendship - maybe not quite so close - but on more even terms, and I think I have to be the one to change my behavior to make that happen. How do you re-set boundaries gradually and nicely, without shaking things up too aggressively? And more importantly how do you do it in a way that will keep your friend?

How do you know that she will not do this? Have you asked her and she just refused? Are you sure that she even knows that you want this?

I think I can be like your friend sometimes. I've had relationships where I found out that the other person was annoyed with me because they did something for me and felt that I did not do it for them. But I would have been perfectly happy to if asked.

[Anonymous]

I backed away from a friend who was taking advantage of me in much the way your friend is taking advantage of your generosity. We are no longer friends as a result. She was using me, and when I was no longer useful to her (no more free babysitting), she backed away and found other friends she could leech off of. It was sad for me because I have very few friends, and she could be very kind and considerate at times, and she is very funny and charming and fun to be around. But all the taking wore me down, and in the end it turned out that our close friendship wasn't much of a friendship at all.

[Anonymous]

I know you need to have friends since you are new to the area OP. I totally feel for you and I get it.

But at the same time, you shouldn't have to be the one sticking your neck out all the time for this person.

Are there other mothers or women in general that you can socialize with besides this person? Because honestly, she sounds like she is draining you, little by little.

I am not saying she is a bad friend, but she certainly isn't my definition of a good friend. I think she is simply the type who takes others for granted and doesn't see anything wrong with doing so.

I would start saying No to her more than Yes, and if she remains your friend, than good for both of you.

But if she starts to back off, then you know she was never a true friend to begin with and at least you know the full truth. And at least you will be off the hook. Whew.

[Anonymous]

As PP said, give only what you are happy to give, with no expectation of reciprocation. Your eyes are wide open now - you know she is a "taker" but you enjoy other aspects of your friendship; it what it is. I'm sure you will continue to be kind and gracious, because that is who you are, but when you feel yourself on the edge of resentment, you can just say no - it doesn't make you a bad friend and if she backs away, that reflects her limitations, not yours.

[Anonymous]

You cannot change your friends. You only change yourself.

I would try and ask her in small ways to help you out more. She may not even realize that she has become selfish. No need to point it out. You can only change how you react or behave with her.

It starts with you.

[Anonymous]

You have low self esteem and she provides praise, which presumably is very good for you. People don't always give us back the equvalent of what we give them but that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is lopsided.