Re-establishing boundaries with best friend

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything. Just think before you say yes. And it may be that she moves on to another person who will do what she asks. Being new means that at first this is the kind of person that you meet. Sometimes it takes time to meet quality people. But don't try to change her -- change yourself.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. Should a friendship be so much work? Where you constantly feel drained and having to say "No"? I've been thinking that I'm getting to old for this. I tend to be an introvert and she is an extrovert so she pushes my boundaries. I feel sad that we are different. It is welcoming to have the love but then it gets suffocating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, these are helpful; keep them coming. And yes I should have specified, I already figured I couldn't change her. People don't really change when forced. I have to change myself. I agree that I should make myself less available.

To the PP at 22:39, when you started sticking to your boundaries, how did your close friend react - did she threaten to end the friendship? Did she accept it? Do you still have closeness?

If she threatens to end the relationship upon you setting reasonable boundaries, I think it's fair to say this is not a real friend. Are you just exaggerating things in your head? Does she seem crazy? You don't make her sound that way. Give her the benefit of the doubt to believe that she'll respect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything. Just think before you say yes. And it may be that she moves on to another person who will do what she asks. Being new means that at first this is the kind of person that you meet. Sometimes it takes time to meet quality people. But don't try to change her -- change yourself.

+1

[Anonymous]

After I went through a catastrophic event, a dear friend of mine was absolutely there for me. Selflessly, fully onboard. You just couldn't ask for a better friend.

Eventually, she pulled back and only was available on weekends. She used our calls to continue her support. She was amazing. But it was clear to me that she had reached her limits and was offering up what she could.

This was more than fair.

I have been able to move on from my...situation, and we continue to be great friends. There's no question that I was needy. I don't think you need to state it to your friend. Somewhere within her perhaps she has some self awareness.

Know your boundaries and operate from there. She'll adjust. You owe it to yourself.

[Anonymous]

I would not focus on the friend as much as the fact that you are an enabler. You are willing to put up with anything as long as a person loves you or is your friend. This character trait needs to be nipped in the bud. Enablers are often cited as contributing to a person's drug addiction, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have to take any big stand, or make any overt gestures. Quite the opposite, I would suggest starting small and
1. Don't answer the phone or reply to texts after a certain time, whenever you choose that time to be
2. Stop picking up her kid from any activities
Those are just from the examples you provided. I would add a third specific thing you will do for something else that you don't want to do anymore, like buying her coffee or spotting her money at outings.

You almost need to think of it as retraining yourself, since you are so used to saying "yes." If you start with a few specific things and stick to it, you can gradually add in other changes and it will be more of a natural change and you can see how she responds

I agree with this advice. The way through this (hopefully without confrontation or distress for anyone) is not to make a big thing or do anything specific, it's about not doing as much. It's about saying no sometimes or simply not being available.

PP's number 1 is the perfect example. Don't answer the phone. I started doing this after I had my kids - my best friends would call all the time, repeatedly, expecting me to still have the long chatty talks we used to have. Or expecting me to be available for long chatty talks after the kids were in bed - which was usually the only time I got to talk to my husband. Then when I didn't answer calls she would start leaving messages like "is everything ok? Is anything wrong?" Once or twice I said things like "sorry I could chat - but J and I were just getting a chance to have a bite to eat, or were just getting a minute to deal with our taxes, or do laundry, or whatever..." It took a little while to adjust but now it's fine and no one's feelings got hurt.

I also have a very needy sister - always in crises of one kind or another, always needing support - and I've always been there. Now it's no longer good for me to be as available so I use my increasingly hectic life and needs of my own family as my gracious out. I don't answer as many calls, I don't go running for every crisis, I frequently share how busy I am in a way that lets her know I'm less available but that's not about her - it's my own busy life.

Anyway, I'm rambling and it's becoming all about me. Sorry!

Just practice saying no, and come up w/ a few gracious ways to do it. I'm so sorry but I'm really swamped with work, kids, family stuff... Sorry I couldn't return your call - husband and I were in the middle of a conversation I couldn't really leave. Etc...

Also, don't jump in to solve things for her. Start thinking of your role as her friend differently. You don't have to offer resources or solutions or inconvenience yourself. Don't volunteer to do as much, volunteer to listen (or have lunch as pp suggested.) Ask "what are your options" when she tells you about a problem, instead of saying "I can give/do/offer..."

Not sure if you have kids or not but they have been such a gift to me in terms of giving me a way to graciously (and understandably) be less available than I used to be. And people can hear that kind of a no without taking it as personally.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

This has really helped me, specifically the PPs who said that if she backs away then it doesn't reflect on me, but on her. I REALLY needed to hear that. This is what goes through my mind usually: I tend to think I have to continually prove my friendship to people by giving, giving, giving, but that I shouldn't ask because that would inconvenience them. And if they begin to withdraw from me, then I haven't been generous enough, so let me give, give, give some more.

I have had friends that have used me in the past, but not quite this much, but I do see the pattern of being "too nice" now.

I just want to get over my fear that she will guilt trip me and I'll feel like I deserve it.

And yes I am seeing a therapist, but we meet for 40 minutes once a week and she doesn't seem in a hurry to get through all the issues I have - I don't know how helpful she really is. Reading articles on the Internet and talking about my issues online kind of seems to help more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has really helped me, specifically the PPs who said that if she backs away then it doesn't reflect on me, but on her. I REALLY needed to hear that. This is what goes through my mind usually: I tend to think I have to continually prove my friendship to people by giving, giving, giving, but that I shouldn't ask because that would inconvenience them. And if they begin to withdraw from me, then I haven't been generous enough, so let me give, give, give some more.

I have had friends that have used me in the past, but not quite this much, but I do see the pattern of being "too nice" now.

I just want to get over my fear that she will guilt trip me and I'll feel like I deserve it.

And yes I am seeing a therapist, but we meet for 40 minutes once a week and she doesn't seem in a hurry to get through all the issues I have - I don't know how helpful she really is. Reading articles on the Internet and talking about my issues online kind of seems to help more.

Because the therapist has a business to run.