8 weeks before wedding and jitters
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Anonymous
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Talk me down folks, because I kind of want to burn it all down. Like, for example, hook up with my coworker in the office stairwell...
Help get me to the church on time! |
Anonymous
| If this is how you feel today, you can be sure that it will likely get worse in terms of your expectations and hopes after you are married some time. |
Anonymous
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First you need to figure out why you're feeling this way.
Is it the idea of a lifetime commitment? The idea of 'settling down?' The idea that you'll never have another sexual partner? The fact that there's a 50% divorce rate, and what if it doesn't work out? Or is it the idea of a lifetime commitment to this particular person? Do you feel like you two have got problems or issues that might make marriage difficult? Are you still in love with an ex? If the worries are in the first camp, I'd say that's normal jitters. If they're in the second, that's different. |
Anonymous
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I got very uncomfortable leading up to my wedding. What I figured out was that I was upset that it had turned into a machine I had lost control of. I cared about the marriage. I had no need for the wedding ceremony.
Once I figured that out and pared the wedding down and got control back from my stepmother, I was able to turn it into a handheld appliance rather than a steamroller, and was much, much more relaxed. |
Anonymous
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What does getting married mean to you?
What are you giving up, do you think? What parts of your life won't you be able to do anymore? Are there things you'll officially have to take on that you're not very excited about, like season tickets to the Skins or having to sleep EVERY NIGHT with a snorer? My guess is that's what's scaring you. If you know this guy well and you've been dating awhile, things don't necessarily have to change much. Have you lived together yet? If not, there will be some new roommate issues to get through. Try to remember that anything you'd do now to rebel is probably something you've done before, and it wasn't that great then. Like sleeping with your coworker. Sure, it might be fun, but then things would get weird and he'd either start avoiding you in the hallways or stare obsessively at you in meetings. Being single can be rough - don't idealize it now! |
Anonymous
| How old are you? How long have you been with fiancé? How big is this wedding? |
Anonymous
There is no 50% divorce rate. For college educated people marrying late, it is much lower. |
Anonymous
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OP here, marrying late at 36. Medium wedding at 150. We've dated a year. My first marriage, his second. No kids yet. Not sure why I'm stressing. No financial burden from wedding, did pre-canaan, my dress is pretty, my wedding planner is taking care of all the details. I just wake up in the middle of the night thinking...what if I just pout a stop to all of this?!
And we're both multiple graduate degrees, came from intact families both sides. |
Anonymous
Don't have a hook up withI a co-worker in the stairwell. I married that guy and now getting divorced after 12 years. |
Anonymous
It sounds to me like you have normal jitters, maybe with a touch of a need-for-drama personality. Make a list (could be a mental list) of all the things you like about your BF and imagine how your married life will be. Refer back to that list when you feel doubtful; if you are meant to marry this man, the positive images of him and what life with him will be like will be reassuring. Also, imagine through what would happen if you did put a stop to everything. There would be a rush of drama, and then . . . you'd be single again. Is that what you want? If not, focus on that list of positives and BREATHE! |
Anonymous
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There must be something -- you don't wake up wanting to put an end to it all without something...
Hard to help you identify it without knowing some more details. All you've said so far are the good things. There must be some inkling of an issue that you haven't discussed or are worried about. Is it that he's been married before? I'm divorced, btw, but went into my wedding day with every hope and dream of being with him forever. I have a couple friends whom I found out after the fact, had serious doubts before getting married. One tried to bolt that day, and her parents talked her into going through -- they divorced. I honestly wish I had noticed the red flags and had doubts. Because I placed such a high value on the commitment part of my marriage, it would be hard for me to get married again. I've said many times, it would be a different type of marriage b/c now I know it may not be forever. Is any of that playing with your mind? |
Anonymous
| PP here. One thing to ask yourself is -- are you better off with him or without him? If you are happier with him, then maybe it is just normal jitters before making a major decision. |
Anonymous
| Is it because you know one year isn't long enough to know someone? |
Anonymous
Weeeell....I think the previous advice was good: try to really put your finger on the source of the anxiety. As a divorced and remarried person who went to pre-cana (were you paying attention during those sessions?) I would make two observations: - the information conveyed by the couples in our pre-cana class was pretty good but really hearing it was difficult without the benefit of the experience of having been married before. - A year is fast to go from not knowing each other to married. I'm not surprised at you being freaked out a little...if you've been single until mid-30s and in the space of a year go from that life to marriage...well of course you're going to feel like things are moving disturbingly fast. Has the train really left the station? Lots of people get engaged pretty quickly, but then have a substantial engagement time. Why not have a year of dating then a year of engagement? I'm on my second marriage (quite good!) and more or less insisted/pushed that we go slow - DW was ready to go much faster. I think it's just good to let each stage settle in. If the train has left the station, and you can't identify something about this person that's making you nervous, then go ahead, but please please please wait a couple of years to start trying to have kids. Give yourself a year or two to get used to being a married person. Do not rush into the marriage or babymaking just because you imagine your clock is ticking. |
Anonymous
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PP @11:46 again, and I hit post too fast:
Although you are only 8 weeks out, and you might lose a little $$$ in wedding deposits, trust me, that is cheaper than a divorce. Seriously consider if you can postpone this. Do not be pushed into it by social pressure to go through with the wedding. Being "wishy-washy" now - before the wedding - is a sign of maturity and conservative caution, not some kind of character flaw. Also: thinking that having multiple graduate degrees has anything to do with this - your odds of success at marriage or anything else outside of your academic field - demosntrates a kind of shallow naivety that makes me question if you are really prepared to be married. You're really focussing on the wrong things. |