feeling like teacher is blaming me

[Anonymous]

Background: DD is in first grade and struggling academically. We are in MCPS and have had an EMT meeting where some interventions were put in place but there have been no evaluations done as yet. We are on the waiting list at KKI and CNMC.

I reached out to DD's teacher yesterday to see how things are going and she responded a little better but that my daughter needs to work on her organizational skills. I feel almost like she is saying that the problem is at home. I fully admit that I am worried I am doing something wrong so perhaps I'm reading her comment the wrong way. We aren't as organized as we should be at home. But could that really be contributing to my daughter's lack of focus and organization at school? She loses and forget things FREQUENTLY. And she needs significant repetition to learn. Why isn't the teacher saying they are concerned about her focus and that they will evaluate? How are they helping her at school to be organized? We have a follow up meeting at the end of Feb and I may bring some of this up.

I guess I'm just wondering if I have created this problem with my daughter by not being the most organized mom. Or are these kinds of things (lack of focus and attention) innate. Or both??

[Anonymous]

IME, our whole society has a "blame the mother" or "blame the parents" problem.

[Anonymous]

It isn't all your fault, but you can make your daughter's challenges worse. How hard is it to keep track of paper work? As soon as she gets home from school, go through her back pack together, and talk about the paperwork and what needs to be done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn't all your fault, but you can make your daughter's challenges worse. How hard is it to keep track of paper work? As soon as she gets home from school, go through her back pack together, and talk about the paperwork and what needs to be done with it.

OP here - this is provided the paperwork comes home. Half the time it doesn't.... But yes we can do better at home.

[Anonymous]

Losing and forgetting things frequently is a sign of disorganization. If she's forgetting to bring things to school or telling her teacher she lost something Outside the classroom, it stands to reason the teacher would think there was an issue with it at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn't all your fault, but you can make your daughter's challenges worse. How hard is it to keep track of paper work? As soon as she gets home from school, go through her back pack together, and talk about the paperwork and what needs to be done with it.

OP here - this is provided the paperwork comes home. Half the time it doesn't.... But yes we can do better at home.

There is a lot on your plate when your child has this type of issue. PP is right that you have to help your daughter develop systems and the school is trying to let you know that you are part of the team that needs to make your child successful. But, the school also has to be sure that things come home. One of the interventions that was on my son's IEP was that the teacher would review his backpack each day. As he got older, it extended to reviewing the planner as well. Shortly before the end of ES, a goal was put into place whereby he would be taught to manage his own backpack because in MS, even with interventions and supports, he needed to be able to pack his own backpack up each day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME, our whole society has a "blame the mother" or "blame the parents" problem.

Preach.

[Anonymous]

Does she already have an IEP? If not, as the school to start the process of evaluation, but also get the private evals. Without an IEP they cannot give as much support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Does she already have an IEP? If not, as the school to start the process of evaluation, but also get the private evals. Without an IEP they cannot give as much support.

No IEP yet - we are at the beginning of this process. I just don't know if there is really a problem or if I get really organized - will she be all better.... If you see what I'm saying. I'm still struggling with what exactly is going on.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to hear what can sometimes be delivered as criticism. But I try to always reply by asking the teacher what we can do at home. I always thank them for their feedback and say that we will give their suggestion a try.

If your child has a disability, it's not your fault. I know it can feel bad to hear this feedback but I would suggest to try to find ways to make the teacher feel heard and that you are on the same team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to hear what can sometimes be delivered as criticism. But I try to always reply by asking the teacher what we can do at home. I always thank them for their feedback and say that we will give their suggestion a try.

If your child has a disability, it's not your fault. I know it can feel bad to hear this feedback but I would suggest to try to find ways to make the teacher feel heard and that you are on the same team.

Agree with this. It's not your fault.

That said this particular child may need you to step up in ways other children wouldn't require. You say you're not organized and I feel you on that - I'm not naturally organized either. But it sounds like your daughter needs you to improve on that so that she is better equipped to deal with her challenges.

On the silver lining side you could talk with your daughter about the desire to get more organized at home / how it doesn't come easily for you but you are working hard at it. That would serve as a fantastic role model for her as she faces her own challenges.

Best to all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: DD is in first grade and struggling academically. We are in MCPS and have had an EMT meeting where some interventions were put in place but there have been no evaluations done as yet. We are on the waiting list at KKI and CNMC.

I reached out to DD's teacher yesterday to see how things are going and she responded a little better but that my daughter needs to work on her organizational skills. I feel almost like she is saying that the problem is at home. I fully admit that I am worried I am doing something wrong so perhaps I'm reading her comment the wrong way. We aren't as organized as we should be at home. But could that really be contributing to my daughter's lack of focus and organization at school? She loses and forget things FREQUENTLY. And she needs significant repetition to learn. Why isn't the teacher saying they are concerned about her focus and that they will evaluate? How are they helping her at school to be organized? We have a follow up meeting at the end of Feb and I may bring some of this up.

I guess I'm just wondering if I have created this problem with my daughter by not being the most organized mom. Or are these kinds of things (lack of focus and attention) innate. Or both??

Not your fault, you sound like a great mum. My hubby and I are organized, neat people. Our two children are a friggin' mess. At school and at home. My daughter's desk at school looked like a bomb went off in it. She was complaining she had no coloring pencils, well, during a classroom event, we took everything out and found all her colored pencils. They are not good at managing their time no matter how hard we try to teach them. I think it is developmental to a point, they are both very bright academically, but lagging behind in other areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background: DD is in first grade and struggling academically. We are in MCPS and have had an EMT meeting where some interventions were put in place but there have been no evaluations done as yet. We are on the waiting list at KKI and CNMC.

I reached out to DD's teacher yesterday to see how things are going and she responded a little better but that my daughter needs to work on her organizational skills. I feel almost like she is saying that the problem is at home. I fully admit that I am worried I am doing something wrong so perhaps I'm reading her comment the wrong way. We aren't as organized as we should be at home. But could that really be contributing to my daughter's lack of focus and organization at school? She loses and forget things FREQUENTLY. And she needs significant repetition to learn. Why isn't the teacher saying they are concerned about her focus and that they will evaluate? How are they helping her at school to be organized? We have a follow up meeting at the end of Feb and I may bring some of this up.

I guess I'm just wondering if I have created this problem with my daughter by not being the most organized mom. Or are these kinds of things (lack of focus and attention) innate. Or both??

Saying your daughter needs work on her organizational skills means that your daughter needs work on her organizational skills. It is a statement of where she is and what she needs to develop. It doesn't imply any criticism of you. You note that your daughter does in fact have difficulties remembering and organizing things. Basically, your analysis matches the teacher's.

You indicate also that you are already carrying concern as to whether you are parenting in the optimal way. Welcome to the club! We all do. By all means, if you think there is something you can do better at home to help your daughter improve these skills, then do them. But there's no reason to speculate on any unspoken criticism here, which may not even exist.

I guess my bottom line here is: try to separate an objective evaluation of what skills your daughter needs to develop from an evaluation of you as a parent. We're all imperfect parents. This observation isn't about you, it's about what your daughter needs. Having established that, put your own self-criticism aside and just focus on helping with the issue you and the teacher agree exists.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the great comments. I know I tend to hear criticism when there is none - because yes I am worried its all my fault. Part of being a Mom unfortunately...

[Anonymous]

They aren't saying you are disorganized, they are saying your DD has a skill she needs to develop (she, not you). Schools are getting much better about recognizing this as a necessary skill.

Both my kids have had challenges with this and I never thought the teachers were saying I'm disorganized.