feeling like teacher is blaming me

[Anonymous]

Everyone's organizational skills are different, SN or not. My SN DS is well-organized; he's a stickler to routine, he will double check he has everything in his backpack or that an activity he's involved in is still on. My NT DS on the other hand is a nightmare.

What helps us, to some degree, are check lists for pretty much everything. "Checklist for what should go into your backpack." "Checklist for what to take to my swimming practice", etc.

[Anonymous]

I didn't detect anything in the teacher's comment that implied any criticism of the parenting.

But even if there had been, so what? If the daughter's organizational skills need to be worked on, the only useful response is a game plan for those skills to be worked on.

Don't take a straightforward statement about a child's skill need and turn it into a discussion about the parent.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the teacher is blaming you. I think this is common feedback at that age. The teachers in our public school spend a lot of time helping the kids develop systems that they can use to organize themselves. For example, in K-2, they give them a travel folder and one side is for things going home and the other for things to turn in to school. In later grades, the teachers will help the kids set up their binders and even remind the kids to put things away in the right section.

I'm highly organized, but my oldest isn't, so don't blame yourself. Throughout elementary school, I tried to keep her organized but it made no difference. By 5th grade, when the teacher was really stressing an organized binder, hers was a disaster and she refused to let me touch it. I put her in a study skill/organization class to prepare for middle school and she still started middle school disorganized. In mid-6th grade, she was diagnosed with ADHD. How could I not have seen it sooner?! Now we're in 7th grade and she's finally a little more organized but only because the school stepped in to provide supports.

Please don't blame yourself.

[Anonymous]

Be thankful that the teacher is being honest and upfront with you. No need to blame anyone, this sounds like something that is inherent in your daughter. It's great that you are meeting with the school and moving forward. It's actually a young age to get started on this process, many kids aren't caught until later on.
As a child I was quite disorganized. I swear I have undiagnosed ADD. Organization is not a strong point and it is something I have to really work on and continuously hone. It took a long time to get to where I'm at and I've done it on my own but I wish I had more guidance when I was a kid.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If you're going to take every comment as a critique of yourself or your parenting skills, you are in for a world of hurt, specials needs or not!

Learn to understand teacher-speak. Lack of organizational skills, inattention, distractible, are all symptoms of ADHD. Except teachers can't say ADHD, they can only tell you what they notice in class.

Schools have so much different activities going on in class, frequently at the same time, that it's no wonder ADHD and executive function issues are increasingly diagnosed. The paraeducator or teacher could teach her to tidy her desk, ask for homework due, remind her repeatedly of what tasks she needs to accomplish, recall her attention gently if she wanders, etc...

[Anonymous]

Her advice and feedback is way too vague.

Telling you that DD needs to work on "organizational skills" is meaningless and tells you nothing about what needs to improve.

The teacher should give you actual, concrete feedback about what needs to change.

Larla should be on time/stop dawdling
Larla should have her papers ready to turn in when time is called.
Larla should give permission slips to parents without being reminded 3-4 times.

Ask the teacher what she means by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

If you're going to take every comment as a critique of yourself or your parenting skills, you are in for a world of hurt, specials needs or not!

Learn to understand teacher-speak. Lack of organizational skills, inattention, distractible, are all symptoms of ADHD. Except teachers can't say ADHD, they can only tell you what they notice in class.

Schools have so much different activities going on in class, frequently at the same time, that it's no wonder ADHD and executive function issues are increasingly diagnosed. The paraeducator or teacher could teach her to tidy her desk, ask for homework due, remind her repeatedly of what tasks she needs to accomplish, recall her attention gently if she wanders, etc...

Why is this? Why can't they say they suspect ADHD? Its so frustrating... I know they can't diagnose but it would be helpful to know if we are on the same page with our suspicions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her advice and feedback is way too vague.

Telling you that DD needs to work on "organizational skills" is meaningless and tells you nothing about what needs to improve.

The teacher should give you actual, concrete feedback about what needs to change.

Larla should be on time/stop dawdling
Larla should have her papers ready to turn in when time is called.
Larla should give permission slips to parents without being reminded 3-4 times.

Ask the teacher what she means by this.

This is OP - and I do agree. I plan to ask more about this at our next meeting. I also am curious how they are handling it in the classroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the great comments. I know I tend to hear criticism when there is none - because yes I am worried its all my fault. Part of being a Mom unfortunately...

BTDT, many times a day, it feels like. Show yourself some compassion, OP. This isn't easy.

[Anonymous]

You're talking about "Executive Function" and that develops as they age. It helps to have an adult model it, but even organized parents don't necessarily have precocious-executive kids.
My daughter had a 504 for her executive function and that was rolled into her IEP for speech. She is 7 and had (has?!) sensory processing disorder. People can troll that term since it isn't in the new DSM, but its patently obvious she is a little different from the average kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't detect anything in the teacher's comment that implied any criticism of the parenting.

But even if there had been, so what? If the daughter's organizational skills need to be worked on, the only useful response is a game plan for those skills to be worked on.

Don't take a straightforward statement about a child's skill need and turn it into a discussion about the parent.

I think things look different on paper. We don't see body language or hear tone. As parents of SN children, we do have to develop a thicker skin, but sometimes that is pierced by strong body language and tone.

For example, I learn in my college intro to theatre class that the sentence "I did not sleep with your husband." can have several different meanings depending which word the speaker emphasizes.

I did not sleep with your husband.
I did not sleep with your husband.
I did not sleep with your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP again - I guess I should add that I don't have a warm rapport with DD's teacher. She is pretty blunt and doesn't seem to want to engage more than necessary. I've read other emails of hers and wondered about the wording. I think we just have really different styles. I don't know if this is going to change this year. DD's reading teacher is much more open and chatty and has mentioned several concerns by name (even though she probably isn't supposed to). Its actually kind of helpful to know what she is thinking though. I can't get a feel if DD's main teacher is thinking the same things or not. Actually looking forward to the next EMT meeting to see where things stand.

This is all new to me and its been confusing and overwhelming. Doesn't help that other parents and MY parent of course pipe in and say things like they don't think there are any problems. Or if I could just change my/our behavior (be more organized, consistent) - that everything would be fine. My mother even stated that if DD got glasses that would solve everything. Well, we have the glasses (yep she did need them) and it hasn't been a cure all....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I guess I should add that I don't have a warm rapport with DD's teacher. She is pretty blunt and doesn't seem to want to engage more than necessary. I've read other emails of hers and wondered about the wording. I think we just have really different styles. I don't know if this is going to change this year. DD's reading teacher is much more open and chatty and has mentioned several concerns by name (even though she probably isn't supposed to). Its actually kind of helpful to know what she is thinking though. I can't get a feel if DD's main teacher is thinking the same things or not. Actually looking forward to the next EMT meeting to see where things stand.

This is all new to me and its been confusing and overwhelming. Doesn't help that other parents and MY parent of course pipe in and say things like they don't think there are any problems. Or if I could just change my/our behavior (be more organized, consistent) - that everything would be fine. My mother even stated that if DD got glasses that would solve everything. Well, we have the glasses (yep she did need them) and it hasn't been a cure all....

Rapport can be a big deal, a teacher's style and engagement level make a huge difference and are what they are. Not always ideal. Follow up on the reading teacher's concerns. They have experience and are a good first-screener lots of times.

Funny how grandparents think they know it all sometimes. And yet (statistically) they may be gone by the time the child has grown up and is in a position to have the ramifications of their advice ("there aren't any problems") come to pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I guess I should add that I don't have a warm rapport with DD's teacher. She is pretty blunt and doesn't seem to want to engage more than necessary. I've read other emails of hers and wondered about the wording. I think we just have really different styles. I don't know if this is going to change this year. DD's reading teacher is much more open and chatty and has mentioned several concerns by name (even though she probably isn't supposed to). Its actually kind of helpful to know what she is thinking though. I can't get a feel if DD's main teacher is thinking the same things or not. Actually looking forward to the next EMT meeting to see where things stand.

This is all new to me and its been confusing and overwhelming. Doesn't help that other parents and MY parent of course pipe in and say things like they don't think there are any problems. Or if I could just change my/our behavior (be more organized, consistent) - that everything would be fine. My mother even stated that if DD got glasses that would solve everything. Well, we have the glasses (yep she did need them) and it hasn't been a cure all....

You can address the lack of organization in the IEP. Request an evaluation from the school. They have to do it within 60 days if you are in MoCo, FCPS. 90 in DC. It'll be faster than waiting for the appointment with Children's and KKI. You can always add the private evaluation findings later when you get the results. Your kid needs help with organization - like a checklist - she can get one with a 504 or IEP. I would start the process now rather than later.

I had a giggle from the bolded. My parents said the same thing bc my mother most likely has the same diagnosis as my DS but a whole lot worse and admitting that there is something "off" with DS would be acknowledging that my mother also has a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't detect anything in the teacher's comment that implied any criticism of the parenting.

But even if there had been, so what? If the daughter's organizational skills need to be worked on, the only useful response is a game plan for those skills to be worked on.

Don't take a straightforward statement about a child's skill need and turn it into a discussion about the parent.

I think things look different on paper. We don't see body language or hear tone. As parents of SN children, we do have to develop a thicker skin, but sometimes that is pierced by strong body language and tone.

For example, I learn in my college intro to theatre class that the sentence "I did not sleep with your husband." can have several different meanings depending which word the speaker emphasizes.

I did not sleep with your husband.
I did not sleep with your husband.
I did not sleep with your husband.

Funny stuff, and so true. Though I'm not sure the applicability here: Here's the quote from the OP:

"I reached out to DD's teacher yesterday to see how things are going and she responded a little better but that my daughter needs to work on her organizational skills."

It's difficult to imagine any tone or inflection applied to that statement that could turn it into an accusation of bad parenting. This seems more a case of "Person A said X but Person B heard Y because Person B was already thinking about Y." By OP's own admission she has been worrying (necessarily or not) about whether her own lack of organization is contributing to her daughter's, and that seems to have been projected onto the teacher's comment.

It's tough sometimes because so much emotion is invested in parenting, but it's important to keep one's eye on the ball. In this case the ball is the necessary development of the daughter's organizational skills. Assurances that one is a good parent can be sought in another time and place. It's nice that some other PPs on DCUM have stepped up with some.