Wow! Divorce sucks!

[Anonymous]

It's so easy to type, "time to divorce!" The reality, however, is awful. Even in situations where it is clear it had to happen (as in my case), the reality of it just sucks.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. People say, "Good for you for not staying! So many people don't leave abusive relationships." They seem to think that ends it.

Funny how so many of them are not the ones who are there when you are wracked with sobs in the middle of the night - when you mourn what should have been, what could have been, what you hoped and dreamed of. When you mourn the time when you had hope he would change. When you have to remind yourself that you can't allow the good memories to erase the bad - that it all happened and is all part of one whole.

Few people are all one thing or another. If my STBX was only 100% abusive and there were no good memories, this would be easy. If it were easy, I would not be facing single, almost 50, and no realistic hope for a romantic future. Nor would I be crying over the past. To those who say, "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," I say, "Liars!" Except that, without my marriage, i wouldn't have my children, and then I would really have no reason to go on at all.

[Anonymous]

You will get through this and be better off for it.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, op. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Once you have kids with someone, they are in your life forever. Divorce doesn't really change this.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it does.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry, OP. I hope each day coming is better than the last.

[Anonymous]

There may be a period of adjustment. Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. Things will get better.

[Anonymous]

You would have no reason for living if you didn't have kids?

You sound codependent. That is a magnet for abusers. Hope you are in therapy to address that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so easy to type, "time to divorce!" The reality, however, is awful. Even in situations where it is clear it had to happen (as in my case), the reality of it just sucks.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. People say, "Good for you for not staying! So many people don't leave abusive relationships." They seem to think that ends it.

Funny how so many of them are not the ones who are there when you are wracked with sobs in the middle of the night - when you mourn what should have been, what could have been, what you hoped and dreamed of. When you mourn the time when you had hope he would change. When you have to remind yourself that you can't allow the good memories to erase the bad - that it all happened and is all part of one whole.
l.

To be fair Lots of people are doing that within their shitty marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would have no reason for living if you didn't have kids?

You sound codependent. That is a magnet for abusers. Hope you are in therapy to address that.

+1 you are worthy

[Anonymous]

OP, stay strong. Of course it's hard. No one who says "good for you" is saying it is easy for you. Just ultimately better for you.

[Anonymous]

While you do have to mourn the relationship that was, at least you have hope about relationships that can be. People still stuck in unhappy marriages don't even have that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would have no reason for living if you didn't have kids?

You sound codependent. That is a magnet for abusers. Hope you are in therapy to address that.

Yes, I'm in therapy, he's in therapy, one kid is in therapy, perhaps the dog should be in therapy? We're also in couples therapy to develop a "cooperative co-parenting relationship".

Did I bring issues (such as having experienced severe physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother) to this marriage? You betcha. Does that mean his abuse was ok? No. Does it make it any less worse that we stood up in front of 300 people almost 20 years ago and said "'till death do us part"? Also no.

I did not cause him to abuse me. That he chose himself based on his own life experiences. I chose not to stay until his choices killed me, which they came close to doing more than once in the months preceding our split. Denial or prevention of medical care is also a form abuse can take. That doesn't mean there is a ton to look forward to, honestly. It will be a slow climb back to health and through the grief before there is a chance to even think about or develop other reasons to keep on going. It would be naive to think it would be any easier. For now, doing it for the kids will have to be enough until I get stronger.
Random typos/words = iPhone. Please excuse them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so easy to type, "time to divorce!" The reality, however, is awful. Even in situations where it is clear it had to happen (as in my case), the reality of it just sucks.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. People say, "Good for you for not staying! So many people don't leave abusive relationships." They seem to think that ends it.

Funny how so many of them are not the ones who are there when you are wracked with sobs in the middle of the night - when you mourn what should have been, what could have been, what you hoped and dreamed of. When you mourn the time when you had hope he would change. When you have to remind yourself that you can't allow the good memories to erase the bad - that it all happened and is all part of one whole.

Few people are all one thing or another. If my STBX was only 100% abusive and there were no good memories, this would be easy. If it were easy, I would not be facing single, almost 50, and no realistic hope for a romantic future. Nor would I be crying over the past. To those who say, "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," I say, "Liars!" Except that, without my marriage, i wouldn't have my children, and then I would really have no reason to go on at all.

Why do you say this? My mom just got remarried a few years ago to the love of her life, at age 57. You are "almost" 50. Sheesh, you act like your are 95. Get a grip. Your age is not going to be your problem in dating, your attitude is.