Wow! Divorce sucks!

[Anonymous]

It's so easy to type, "time to divorce!" The reality, however, is awful. Even in situations where it is clear it had to happen (as in my case), the reality of it just sucks.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. People say, "Good for you for not staying! So many people don't leave abusive relationships." They seem to think that ends it.

Funny how so many of them are not the ones who are there when you are wracked with sobs in the middle of the night - when you mourn what should have been, what could have been, what you hoped and dreamed of. When you mourn the time when you had hope he would change. When you have to remind yourself that you can't allow the good memories to erase the bad - that it all happened and is all part of one whole.

Few people are all one thing or another. If my STBX was only 100% abusive and there were no good memories, this would be easy. If it were easy, I would not be facing single, almost 50, and no realistic hope for a romantic future. Nor would I be crying over the past. To those who say, "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," I say, "Liars!" Except that, without my marriage, i wouldn't have my children, and then I would really have no reason to go on at all.

I don't really agree that divorce sucks any more than being in an awful marriage. If someone is treating you abusively, you don't have a realistic hope for a "romantic future" with them regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so easy to type, "time to divorce!" The reality, however, is awful. Even in situations where it is clear it had to happen (as in my case), the reality of it just sucks.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. People say, "Good for you for not staying! So many people don't leave abusive relationships." They seem to think that ends it.

Funny how so many of them are not the ones who are there when you are wracked with sobs in the middle of the night - when you mourn what should have been, what could have been, what you hoped and dreamed of. When you mourn the time when you had hope he would change. When you have to remind yourself that you can't allow the good memories to erase the bad - that it all happened and is all part of one whole.

Few people are all one thing or another. If my STBX was only 100% abusive and there were no good memories, this would be easy. If it were easy, I would not be facing single, almost 50, and no realistic hope for a romantic future. Nor would I be crying over the past. To those who say, "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," I say, "Liars!" Except that, without my marriage, i wouldn't have my children, and then I would really have no reason to go on at all.

Why do you say this? I am over 50 and have been dating a 53 year old woman. I can't be the only person on the planet doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once you have kids with someone, they are in your life forever. Divorce doesn't really change this.

As Nora Ephron once put it, marriages end but divorce is forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the nonsense about the prospects being good for a romance in the future. It is not true even though there are exceptions.

Take care OP and stay strong despite the trauma you are going through. And I agree with you that people are very quick to suggest divorce on this forum. It should be the last resort for everyone's sake.

Speak for yourself. Ive been on this planet long enough to watch the entire cycle of marriage, kids, divorce, and remarriage. It happens all the time. It is not unusual. You speak nonsense and the OP has a bad attitude about it and is not even 50 yet!

[Anonymous]

OP, you hit the nail on the head. I am separated now almost 2 years, divorce finalized couple months ago. I too faced emotional and some physical abused and totally get your feelings. It is like a death happened. Even just reading your post brings back the feelings of what could of been, at least how I dreamed them. And the worst part is now he is seeking the therapy he refused when married and starting to overcome some of the things that killed our marriage, and he has another woman now benefiting from his better personhood. And we have a young child and I hate to even be near him.it does suck, and men my age (40s) so far don't want a ltr, or of they do they want someone with a much older child bc they don't want to raise my kid. Lot harder to meet someone in our 40s than in 30s and I have full custody (another reason men tell me they are not really interested)

Anyways, yes, it is horrible. Your will cry for a long time. It does get better in the sense that you think about it less of of your day. Bt when you do think about it, it still hurts like hell. My friends say fall in love again and it makes it easier, I am waiting....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, stay strong. Of course it's hard. No one who says "good for you" is saying it is easy for you. Just ultimately better for you.

+1 They are trying to be supportive. Would you rather they told you to suck it up and take the abuse?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are in the throes of a really difficult time. You are grieving and that process will take time to get through. But at one point in the future (may be months or years), you will look back and say, "I got through that, and I'm a better person for it."

If possible, I highly recommend taking up exercise. Lifting weights or some sort of martial arts would be awesome to reclaim your sense of self. A fitness class can also help you connect with others as you rebuild your support system (I'm sure a lot of your current friends are also friends of STBX so you may need new friends to rally behind you).

Hugs and prayers for you. This too shall pass (though I know right now it is very hard).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the nonsense about the prospects being good for a romance in the future. It is not true even though there are exceptions.

Take care OP and stay strong despite the trauma you are going through. And I agree with you that people are very quick to suggest divorce on this forum. It should be the last resort for everyone's sake.

Speak for yourself. Ive been on this planet long enough to watch the entire cycle of marriage, kids, divorce, and remarriage. It happens all the time. It is not unusual. You speak nonsense and the OP has a bad attitude about it and is not even 50 yet!

No I speak sense and I also am telling the truth.

Just read the post after yours from someone who has had to face the reality of being a single mother with a young child. OP deserves support and encouragement. She does not deserve to be misled which is what you are doing.

Yes, some older single mothers do meet the right person but they are the exception rather than the rule.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to all. To clarify for those who seem fixated on my love life, even if I did have good chances objectively, I am in no place to date. As noted above, my "non-cheating" husband appears to have given me a potentially life-threatening disease acquired while he was out "not cheating". I am dealing with that as well as the aftermath of all the years of abuse.

Perhaps I will beat this and recover. Perhaps I won't. Either way, the road ahead is not a simple one. I intend to focus on building up myself. The person who suggested a class I've always wanted to take is more the direction I'm likely to go. I am grieving, not fixated on my dating chances. One of the things I am grieving is how different my life turned out to be from the one I thought I was going to have when I stood up in front of all those people in my mother's wedding dress. Thanks to all who offered encouragement in any aspect of this - even if not an aspect on which I can focus right now. I know you all were trying to encourage me, and I am trying to send encouragement back to you for whatever you may be dealing with in your own lives. I do not have a monopoly on pain, even if it sometimes feels like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so easy to type, "time to divorce!" The reality, however, is awful. Even in situations where it is clear it had to happen (as in my case), the reality of it just sucks.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. People say, "Good for you for not staying! So many people don't leave abusive relationships." They seem to think that ends it.

Funny how so many of them are not the ones who are there when you are wracked with sobs in the middle of the night - when you mourn what should have been, what could have been, what you hoped and dreamed of. When you mourn the time when you had hope he would change. When you have to remind yourself that you can't allow the good memories to erase the bad - that it all happened and is all part of one whole.

Few people are all one thing or another. If my STBX was only 100% abusive and there were no good memories, this would be easy. If it were easy, I would not be facing single, almost 50, and no realistic hope for a romantic future. Nor would I be crying over the past. To those who say, "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," I say, "Liars!" Except that, without my marriage, i wouldn't have my children, and then I would really have no reason to go on at all.

Divorce is hard. No question about that.

The fact is, you heal from the pain of divorce. A bad marriage doesn't heal. An abusive relationship can kill you - inside AND physycally.

Stay strong. You're doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once you have kids with someone, they are in your life forever. Divorce doesn't really change this.

Bullshit. It does change things, and let's be grateful that divorce exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so easy to type, "time to divorce!" The reality, however, is awful. Even in situations where it is clear it had to happen (as in my case), the reality of it just sucks.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. People say, "Good for you for not staying! So many people don't leave abusive relationships." They seem to think that ends it.

Funny how so many of them are not the ones who are there when you are wracked with sobs in the middle of the night - when you mourn what should have been, what could have been, what you hoped and dreamed of. When you mourn the time when you had hope he would change. When you have to remind yourself that you can't allow the good memories to erase the bad - that it all happened and is all part of one whole.

Few people are all one thing or another. If my STBX was only 100% abusive and there were no good memories, this would be easy. If it were easy, I would not be facing single, almost 50, and no realistic hope for a romantic future. Nor would I be crying over the past. To those who say, "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," I say, "Liars!" Except that, without my marriage, i wouldn't have my children, and then I would really have no reason to go on at all.

Why do you say this? My mom just got remarried a few years ago to the love of her life, at age 57. You are "almost" 50. Sheesh, you act like your are 95. Get a grip. Your age is not going to be your problem in dating, your attitude is.

Learn to speak kindly to someone who's suffering.

You're rude and insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Han in there,
Divorce sucks, but so does the abuse one may go through during the marriage. I'm still not over the fact that one person can treat another like he treated me and now act like it wasn't a big deal, I overreacted or some of it never happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so easy to type, "time to divorce!" The reality, however, is awful. Even in situations where it is clear it had to happen (as in my case), the reality of it just sucks.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. People say, "Good for you for not staying! So many people don't leave abusive relationships." They seem to think that ends it.

Funny how so many of them are not the ones who are there when you are wracked with sobs in the middle of the night - when you mourn what should have been, what could have been, what you hoped and dreamed of. When you mourn the time when you had hope he would change. When you have to remind yourself that you can't allow the good memories to erase the bad - that it all happened and is all part of one whole.

Few people are all one thing or another. If my STBX was only 100% abusive and there were no good memories, this would be easy. If it were easy, I would not be facing single, almost 50, and no realistic hope for a romantic future. Nor would I be crying over the past. To those who say, "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," I say, "Liars!" Except that, without my marriage, i wouldn't have my children, and then I would really have no reason to go on at all.

Only 50 so why would you have no realistic hope for a romantic future?
Assuming you've stayed in good physical shape, men will definitely be hitting on you.

And even if she's not in what this fucked-up society calls "good physical shape", OP can surely find someone. Someone who loves her for who she is as a whole, not just a good-looking shell to fuck. You're so shallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the nonsense about the prospects being good for a romance in the future. It is not true even though there are exceptions.

Take care OP and stay strong despite the trauma you are going through. And I agree with you that people are very quick to suggest divorce on this forum. It should be the last resort for everyone's sake.

Maybe it's not true for you. Plenty of people date/remarry/find love at 50.

Plenty of men. Not so many women. Not to say it doesn't happen, but it's not as prevalent as some make it sound.