Wow! Divorce sucks!

[Anonymous]

+1 that there is hope for a romantic future. A friend's mom got remarried at age 60 to someone extremely compatible, and they are so happy. You sound like you have so much to offer -- obviously very smart, self-aware (in therapy), and funny (lol that maybe the dog should be in therapy!). In the meantime, find things that you can enjoy on your own, for example a class that you always wanted to take. Your new life will be what you make it. It will get better!

[Anonymous]

OP, yes, divorce absolutely does suck. You will have good days, okay days, and wretchedly bad days, but it will turn you into a stronger and more fearless woman. Just keep at it. I'm glad you are in therapy.

- single mom in the process of a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 that there is hope for a romantic future. A friend's mom got remarried at age 60 to someone extremely compatible, and they are so happy. You sound like you have so much to offer -- obviously very smart, self-aware (in therapy), and funny (lol that maybe the dog should be in therapy!). In the meantime, find things that you can enjoy on your own, for example a class that you always wanted to take. Your new life will be what you make it. It will get better!

+1 you seem like a very likable person OP. Don't psych yourself out about the future being all rain and no sun

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so easy to type, "time to divorce!" The reality, however, is awful. Even in situations where it is clear it had to happen (as in my case), the reality of it just sucks.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. People say, "Good for you for not staying! So many people don't leave abusive relationships." They seem to think that ends it.

Funny how so many of them are not the ones who are there when you are wracked with sobs in the middle of the night - when you mourn what should have been, what could have been, what you hoped and dreamed of. When you mourn the time when you had hope he would change. When you have to remind yourself that you can't allow the good memories to erase the bad - that it all happened and is all part of one whole.

Few people are all one thing or another. If my STBX was only 100% abusive and there were no good memories, this would be easy. If it were easy, I would not be facing single, almost 50, and no realistic hope for a romantic future. Nor would I be crying over the past. To those who say, "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," I say, "Liars!" Except that, without my marriage, i wouldn't have my children, and then I would really have no reason to go on at all.

Only 50 so why would you have no realistic hope for a romantic future?
Assuming you've stayed in good physical shape, men will definitely be hitting on you.

[Anonymous]

Stop with the nonsense about the prospects being good for a romance in the future. It is not true even though there are exceptions.

Take care OP and stay strong despite the trauma you are going through. And I agree with you that people are very quick to suggest divorce on this forum. It should be the last resort for everyone's sake.

[Anonymous]

You are leaving an abusive man and the main thing you are worried about is your love/romantic life?

[Anonymous]

Thank you, RhinVA. Sorry to hear you know this first hand, too. It doesn't end with saying you'll get out. You will take it in calls, texts, e-mails, etc. His family will get in on the act (which is also fun). Of course you know all this and have lived it. Sister, I am so sorry.

As for the PP, please read the entire paragraph in which that sentence was placed. You will see it is a paragraph about grief - devastating grief. This can be healed only by going in to the darkest places, including grieving that I spent so many years doing something healthy instead of something unhealthy and that he couldn't have been just the guy I had happy memories with. Instead, he was also the guy who said and did all those horrible things for so long, plus too many other sad things to recount. No, I'm not that worried about my love life. First I hav to kick some of his lovely parting gifts - the ones he gave me while he was "not cheating" and then running around getting his family to pressure me to stay married since h told them he's never been unfaithful. At this point, I'm worried about just my life and trying to stay sane for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Sorry - reverse that. So many years doing something unhealthy instead of healthy. This little phone screen does not lend itself well to pouring out one's heart accurately.

[Anonymous]

There are many of us your shoes, however, you captured the essence well. The isolation, the emotional and physical exhaustion, the sadness, loss of dreams. No one stays in abusive relationships if the abuser doesn't offer some major carrots and good memories along the way. It's how he keeps you hooked in.

I'm sorry, it's not fair, and the final insult is how hard and painful it is to get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are leaving an abusive man and the main thing you are worried about is your love/romantic life?

I wonder if the OP does not work and can't support herself?

Regarding remarriage, my parents divorced in their 50's and remarried others a few years after, and both are still going (they are in their mid to late 60's now). It depends on your goals.

You will see your soon to be ex at graduations, weddings, births, etc, so the ex will always be "there". As time passes, you will get over the hurt as much as you can and it won't matter the ex is right there.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the OP works. Yes, the OP supports herself. In fact, the OP (me) earned more than my STBX our entire marriage. Some people really don't understand grieving and the complete devastation that is an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. It happens to SAHPs, WOHPs, WAHPs, and anyone else across all income and education levels. Please don't derail this with some this is why women shouldn't be financially dependent on men thing.

[Anonymous]

Right on OP. I hope for good things for you. However, this moment in time most certainly sucks in your life. So sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many of us your shoes, however, you captured the essence well. The isolation, the emotional and physical exhaustion, the sadness, loss of dreams. No one stays in abusive relationships if the abuser doesn't offer some major carrots and good memories along the way. It's how he keeps you hooked in.

I'm sorry, it's not fair, and the final insult is how hard and painful it is to get out.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the nonsense about the prospects being good for a romance in the future. It is not true even though there are exceptions.

Take care OP and stay strong despite the trauma you are going through. And I agree with you that people are very quick to suggest divorce on this forum. It should be the last resort for everyone's sake.

Maybe it's not true for you. Plenty of people date/remarry/find love at 50.

[Anonymous]

Getting Divorce sucks! Just like all change is hard.

Being divorce sucks less and sometimes is so freeing that it does not suck at all.

You need to keep the eyes on the prize, freedom from judgement and negative vibes.

Stay strong.

If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill and Rodney Atkins