Wow! Divorce sucks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so easy to type, "time to divorce!" The reality, however, is awful. Even in situations where it is clear it had to happen (as in my case), the reality of it just sucks.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. People say, "Good for you for not staying! So many people don't leave abusive relationships." They seem to think that ends it.

Funny how so many of them are not the ones who are there when you are wracked with sobs in the middle of the night - when you mourn what should have been, what could have been, what you hoped and dreamed of. When you mourn the time when you had hope he would change. When you have to remind yourself that you can't allow the good memories to erase the bad - that it all happened and is all part of one whole.

Few people are all one thing or another. If my STBX was only 100% abusive and there were no good memories, this would be easy. If it were easy, I would not be facing single, almost 50, and no realistic hope for a romantic future. Nor would I be crying over the past. To those who say, "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," I say, "Liars!" Except that, without my marriage, i wouldn't have my children, and then I would really have no reason to go on at all.

Why do you say this? My mom just got remarried a few years ago to the love of her life, at age 57. You are "almost" 50. Sheesh, you act like your are 95. Get a grip. Your age is not going to be your problem in dating, your attitude is.

Learn to speak kindly to someone who's suffering.

You're rude and insensitive.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

I agree you can find someone. So please please start therapy now so that by the time you find that person, you are able to start a healthier relationship. Don't let yourself continue to suffer from the psychological trauma of your childhood.

[Anonymous]

Why is "finding someone new" the main concern? A life of peace, even if I were romantically alone, would be my end goal if I were leaving an abusive or bad marriage. (And mine is in the crapper right now and this is not idle speculation on my part... I could be in this boat soon.) I think if it got to the point where my marriage was ending, I would focus on rebuilding a life for myself and my kids and getting settled into a new normal. Not what my prospects would be for another marriage.

[Anonymous]

I know, OP, I know.

I stay in my marriage even though it's not perfect and never will be. Divorce for us would be a legal and emotional mess, and there are international laws and visa procedures involved.

The glass must be half-full somehow, OP! If you squint really, hard, you'll see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is "finding someone new" the main concern? A life of peace, even if I were romantically alone, would be my end goal if I were leaving an abusive or bad marriage. (And mine is in the crapper right now and this is not idle speculation on my part... I could be in this boat soon.) I think if it got to the point where my marriage was ending, I would focus on rebuilding a life for myself and my kids and getting settled into a new normal. Not what my prospects would be for another marriage.

If you read between the lines of OP's various posts, the reason for this comment in her original post appears to be due to the "life-threatening" "parting gift" her ex gave her, which he acquired while he was out "'not cheating'" on her. This will make it a lot more difficult to have a romantic relationship in the future, assuming OP would (and she should) fully disclose the medical condition he gave her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are leaving an abusive man and the main thing you are worried about is your love/romantic life?

Right. This kind of thinking is a big part of OP's problem.

OP, I'm glad you're getting yourself away from a horrible situation--no one should be abused. You're likely to repeat your mistakes if you don't address your issues.

[Anonymous]

Divorce still sucks, even when it's to leave a sucky situation. OP, some people commenting are clueless. Hang in there. I wish I had your courage. There are some days I honestly wish for my DH to have a heart attack. But I just go to work and come home, and hope it's a good day. it is in that gray - not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay. I wish my husband would just leave. I've tried to discuss - DH refuses, knows everything, thinks marriage counseling is a scam.

[Anonymous]

Divorce really sucks, your post really hit home with me. The unknown future is pretty scary especially if you are coming out of an abusive relationship. As someone currently trying to get out of one, I know how thin ties to the outside world can be and how alone you can feel.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP. OP here. I just said to my mother tonight, "I feel so alone." I am sending good thoughts your way and you have already sent some my way, so neither of us is alone. I hope you are able to get out. I hope I am able to stay strong and not get destroyed in the divorce process. Let's make a pact right now to stay strong and do what we need to do. Sending hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

I can sympathize with your situation. I wasn't in an abusive relationship, but I was in a completely unbalanced one where my effort was more than double (maybe even triple) that of my spouse. Each time I was ready to pack my bags, I got some heart wrenching plea or promise to change (or both) that made me give it another shot. For years, I watched opportunity go by to take my life in a new direction and to jump on a more promising path all because I made the commitment to give it my all. And in the end, I watched it all disintegrate into nothing but bitterness, regret, and an indescribable emotional pain as I learned that I was being cheated on and that my spouse was leaving me and the life I'd struggled to build with a lifetime of sacrifices for someone else.

I live alone as a single parent and I look around and see so many things that could have been, so many things that should have been, and so many things with may never be. It's hard to make peace with it. It's hard to just accept that you're in the divorced category with all those other people when you worked so hard to avoid it.

I can't tell you how to make it through this, but you are not alone. It's been a few years and I still feel it, but not as bad as I did when it first happened. That alone gives me hope. Tomorrow will not be as bad as today, and next year won't be as hard as right now. If that is true, then it is totally possible that I'll look back ten years from now and hate myself for wasting away in despair when I could've gotten back out there and tried again. So for that reason alone, I never truly give into those feelings of despair. Keep climbing. This hole we're in isn't as deep as it seems.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP. OP here. What you wrote is beautiful. Good luck on your journey. I hope the pain lessens soon for you.