Working Mom Question - Adoption

[Anonymous]

Working moms who've adopted, how did you handle leave? I have a job where I don't think I can afford to take 12 straight weeks completely off. My DH works part time from home and we have a lot of family who are willing to help and want to bond with the baby. Here is what I am thinking in terms of the first twelve weeks:

First 2 weeks – off (10 days)

Next 4 weeks – 3 days off per week (12 days)

Next 4 weeks – 2 days off per week (8 days)

Next 2 weeks – 1 day off per week (2 days)

From there I could play it by ear since this plan means I wouldn't be utilizing my full 12 weeks of FMLA (i.e. maybe I continue to take a day off each week for the next couple of months). I'm thinking between DH and I one or both of us would be with the baby every day for the first six weeks and then we could bring in grandma or an aunt for a day or two (or part of the day) for the next six weeks. I want those 12 weeks to be ones where the baby is loved and cared for exclusively by its new family. We are doing a newborn infant adoption, BTW, so I know I'll also need days off for the finalization. Does this plan seem reasonable? FWIW we already have one biological child, and I sort of like the idea of being able to take a day off each week for a longer period of time when he will be in school so I can have some alone time with the baby to continue bonding, as opposed to having 12 exclusive weeks and then having to jump right back into the normal routine. I feel like that would be more of a shock, frankly.

[Anonymous]

You need to read up on attachment in nonbiological children.

[Anonymous]

That won't cut it. Adopted kids need more bonding, even if you pick them up day one from the hospital. Its a whole different ball game if you are adopting an older infant or toddler. Also YOU need more bonding time. Carrying a baby gets you ready in a way that adopting doesn't. Very hard to explain and I bet I will get flamed but its just my personal experience.

Signed, A mom of both bio and adopted children

[Anonymous]

Unless you're like the president of a country, I would do my best to take as much as the 12 weeks as I could when I brought the baby home.

[Anonymous]

Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.

[Anonymous]

Working mom of two children here, one internationally adopted at 10 months and one biological child.

Our agency said someone had to be home for 12 weeks, but could be either the father or mother in some combination (in other words, didn't have to be the same person for the 12 weeks). I ended up taking 3 months of annual and sick leave and then my husband took 3 months afterwards. I know for us, having a child who was an older infant at the time of the adoption, the agency really stressed that no one but DH and I should care for our child for a good while because bonding and attachment needed to happen first. In the end, we didn't fully adhere to that- we had my parents and sister around, but for anything like crying or rocking to sleep, we did that. In your case, I don't know how different it would be since your child will be a newborn.

And to offer a different perspective than the other mom to bio and adopted kids, I actually needed a lot more time to bond with my bio child, as did DH. A lot more time. I didn't feel like carrying him for 9 months made me feel more attached or bonded, so I guess each person is different.

Also, post-adoption depression is real, just like PPD, fyi.

Good luck and congrats!

[Anonymous]

This has got to be a joke. Take your FMLA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.

PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.

PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.

I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.

PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.

I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.

You are correct. We too brought home a three-day old. No attachment issues.

[Anonymous]

We brought home a newborn. No attachment issues. I think some of the issues especially in newborn adoption are equally to do with the parents. It will be fine.

I had lots of leave saved so I did 12 weeks and each week split it between paid and unpaid (then I quit).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.

PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.

I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.

You are correct. We too brought home a three-day old. No attachment issues.

OP here. My bigger concern is being with the baby exclusively for three months and then having to jump right back into the throes of my routine, which will give me less time to spend with the baby than I would like at 3 months and beyond. From what I have read and discussed with other adoptive moms with older children, that is a pitfall that can interfere with your ability to give the baby your undivided attention beyond the first twelve weeks. I am also considering the transition for my biological child so that he can attach with the baby well. I feel like I'd be setting him up for sibling rivalry if, at 12 weeks, mom is suddenly thrust into working mom mode and he is fighting for my attention b/c I feel guilty I haven't seen the baby all day. Is it really such a radical idea to space out your leave to allow you more undivided opportunities with the baby over a longer period of time?

[Anonymous]

Adoptive mom of two newborns, also no bonding issues, though I stayed home full time. I like that your plan saves time in case you need it later. If it turns out when the time comes to go back to work that you are not ready, you can adjust at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We brought home a newborn. No attachment issues. I think some of the issues especially in newborn adoption are equally to do with the parents. It will be fine.

I had lots of leave saved so I did 12 weeks and each week split it between paid and unpaid (then I quit).

Thanks. I can't quit. . .I am the primary breadwinner and have a senior management position. Hence why it would be difficult for me at this point in my life to be gone 12 weeks straight. And IMO "working from home" with a newborn is not fair either to my employer or to the baby. I would rather the baby be at home 2-3 days a week getting undivided attention from dad who works PT and a rotating schedule of grandmas/aunts than with me while I am stressing about trying to do two things at once. It's not ideal, but neither is secondary infertility. If I had been able to space out my children as I'd hoped it would have happened prior to advancing in my career. I have to try to do what is best for my entire family here.

I appreciate all of the constructive comments about how others have done this. Questioning whether I've read up on attachment is not particularly helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive mom of two newborns, also no bonding issues, though I stayed home full time. I like that your plan saves time in case you need it later. If it turns out when the time comes to go back to work that you are not ready, you can adjust at that point.

That is my thinking. Secondary infertility kind of teaches you that plans have to be flexible. One thing I am able to do pretty easily is turn off work while at home and vice versa. I think "multi-tasking" is a bunch of baloney. I want to do my best to balance out competing responsibilities so that I don't let anyone down.