Working Mom Question - Adoption

[Anonymous]

At the very least, I woudn't switch back to part time work until the baby is six or eight weeks old--I can't think of any scenario where a mom would give up those early days with her baby unless she had to (I.e., hospitalization or something).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the very least, I woudn't switch back to part time work until the baby is six or eight weeks old--I can't think of any scenario where a mom would give up those early days with her baby unless she had to (I.e., hospitalization or something).

Point taken. Maybe I can adjust that early part of the plan a bit. I should have more accrued leave by the time this happens that would allow me to do that.

[Anonymous]

My understanding is that with FMLA time, they legally can't contact you for work-related issues while you're using your FMLA leave. So how will that work when you're back in your senior management position two days a week, but then unreachable the other three?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My understanding is that with FMLA time, they legally can't contact you for work-related issues while you're using your FMLA leave. So how will that work when you're back in your senior management position two days a week, but then unreachable the other three?

In theory, it means that they wouldn't be able to expect an answer from me until I'm back in the office.

In practice, it means that I would only respond to critical emails or calls on days I am home, and those would be few and far between. I have a great team that I can trust to handle the slack on the days I am not in the office - but they are NOT in a position to lead the team for 12 weeks in my absence.

[Anonymous]

Plan whatever you want as a best-case scenario, but stay flexible. As with any newborn, you really do not know what medical issues may arise that were undetected during the pregnancy. I would plan on the most leave possible, and if you end up coming back a little early that's a bonus, rather than an expectation.

[Anonymous]

Mother of 2 children adopted as newborns. I had 8 weeks off with each but worked a very 9-5 schedule following that. Absolutely no attachment issues at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.

PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.

I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.

Go back and read again. Then read some more. Than actually talk to adoptive parents whose kids are now older - like elementary and tween age. Also talk to an attachment therapist and not the social worker at your adoption agency.

Attachment issues in newborn adoptions can and do occur. The biggest issues parents face is they don't believe it could happen, do not follow the attachment advice and then end up in a situation 8, 10, 15 years down the road with a child who has serious issues and they just don't understand why.

Adopting a newborn ***DOES NOT ELIMINATE ATTACHMENT ISSUES ENTIRELY***.

Take 12 weeks off. If you can't, take 10 full weeks off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.

PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.

I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.

Go back and read again. Then read some more. Than actually talk to adoptive parents whose kids are now older - like elementary and tween age. Also talk to an attachment therapist and not the social worker at your adoption agency.

Attachment issues in newborn adoptions can and do occur. The biggest issues parents face is they don't believe it could happen, do not follow the attachment advice and then end up in a situation 8, 10, 15 years down the road with a child who has serious issues and they just don't understand why.

Adopting a newborn ***DOES NOT ELIMINATE ATTACHMENT ISSUES ENTIRELY***.

Take 12 weeks off. If you can't, take 10 full weeks off.

Agreed.
FMLA is the law. At least I'd recommend doing 4 weeks straight and then having your husband do 4 weeks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.

PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.

I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.

Go back and read again. Then read some more. Than actually talk to adoptive parents whose kids are now older - like elementary and tween age. Also talk to an attachment therapist and not the social worker at your adoption agency.

Attachment issues in newborn adoptions can and do occur. The biggest issues parents face is they don't believe it could happen, do not follow the attachment advice and then end up in a situation 8, 10, 15 years down the road with a child who has serious issues and they just don't understand why.

Adopting a newborn ***DOES NOT ELIMINATE ATTACHMENT ISSUES ENTIRELY***.

Take 12 weeks off. If you can't, take 10 full weeks off.

Are you always this alarmist and condescending? SHOUTING AT ME IN ALL CAPS DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.

PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.

I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.

Go back and read again. Then read some more. Than actually talk to adoptive parents whose kids are now older - like elementary and tween age. Also talk to an attachment therapist and not the social worker at your adoption agency.

Attachment issues in newborn adoptions can and do occur. The biggest issues parents face is they don't believe it could happen, do not follow the attachment advice and then end up in a situation 8, 10, 15 years down the road with a child who has serious issues and they just don't understand why.

Adopting a newborn ***DOES NOT ELIMINATE ATTACHMENT ISSUES ENTIRELY***.

Take 12 weeks off. If you can't, take 10 full weeks off.

Agreed.
FMLA is the law. At least I'd recommend doing 4 weeks straight and then having your husband do 4 weeks

How is this helpful? Clearly I understand FMLA is the law. Lay off the condescension and judgment. If you have personal experience to add I will welcome it.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it's unkind to say this, but if you can't take off 8 weeks from work, do you really have the capacity to take on another child? It sounds like even a dream baby with no SN or medical issues would be difficult for you to fit into your schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it's unkind to say this, but if you can't take off 8 weeks from work, do you really have the capacity to take on another child? It sounds like even a dream baby with no SN or medical issues would be difficult for you to fit into your schedule.

OP here. It is unkind - and uninformed and uncessary - but you knew that. I have asked for other working moms who've adopted to chime in on a specific questions about the best use for leave. If someone - with experience in this situation - has specific advice to offer I am more than willing to consider it, even if and particularly if it doesn't align with my plans, because it will help me think through the best options/plan for my family and my particular situation. But armchair Freudian snark directed at a stranger about whom you know very little is not only unkind it is immature and decidedly unhelpful. So please find something better to do with your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it's unkind to say this, but if you can't take off 8 weeks from work, do you really have the capacity to take on another child? It sounds like even a dream baby with no SN or medical issues would be difficult for you to fit into your schedule.

OP here. It is unkind - and uninformed and uncessary - but you knew that. I have asked for other working moms who've adopted to chime in on a specific questions about the best use for leave. If someone - with experience in this situation - has specific advice to offer I am more than willing to consider it, even if and particularly if it doesn't align with my plans, because it will help me think through the best options/plan for my family and my particular situation. But armchair Freudian snark directed at a stranger about whom you know very little is not only unkind it is immature and decidedly unhelpful. So please find something better to do with your time.

Well, I don't know if this will help, but my friend adopted a newborn last month. They also already have a biological child. She quit her job. She had to stay in the newborn's state for several weeks before returning home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it's unkind to say this, but if you can't take off 8 weeks from work, do you really have the capacity to take on another child? It sounds like even a dream baby with no SN or medical issues would be difficult for you to fit into your schedule.

OP here. It is unkind - and uninformed and uncessary - but you knew that. I have asked for other working moms who've adopted to chime in on a specific questions about the best use for leave. If someone - with experience in this situation - has specific advice to offer I am more than willing to consider it, even if and particularly if it doesn't align with my plans, because it will help me think through the best options/plan for my family and my particular situation. But armchair Freudian snark directed at a stranger about whom you know very little is not only unkind it is immature and decidedly unhelpful. So please find something better to do with your time.

Well, I don't know if this will help, but my friend adopted a newborn last month. They also already have a biological child. She quit her job. She had to stay in the newborn's state for several weeks before returning home.

It doesn't really help in my particular situation, but I sympathize with her choice. Adopting across state lines is extremely complicated since every state has different laws. I hope it all works out well for your friend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Working mom of two adopted children here. (intl adoption, China, one adopted at age 3, one adopted at age 2)

I think you will be fine. Just do the best you can. Yes, as the person above me posted, DO read a TON about attachment. Do all of the activities and things the books suggest when you are with them. Co-sleep if you can, to enhance the bonding.

My children went/go to daycare 8 weeks after we brought them home, and that has worked for us, but I understand that sounds crazy when I see it written down here in black and white, but it did work out. And I understand that yours will be younger (so I agree that family care at that point may be better than daycare center care) but just watch the bonding/attachment issues.

PP back. Go in with this plan, but keep it flexible. Monitor how things seem to be going attachment-wise. Be flexible and able to change if you change your mind later and think you should take the FMLA and be there exclusively with your new child.

I have read about attachment, and we will be bringing home a 3-day old newborn, so it will be very different from a child who has been in the foster situation without a consistent and stable caregiver.

Go back and read again. Then read some more. Than actually talk to adoptive parents whose kids are now older - like elementary and tween age. Also talk to an attachment therapist and not the social worker at your adoption agency.

Attachment issues in newborn adoptions can and do occur. The biggest issues parents face is they don't believe it could happen, do not follow the attachment advice and then end up in a situation 8, 10, 15 years down the road with a child who has serious issues and they just don't understand why.

Adopting a newborn ***DOES NOT ELIMINATE ATTACHMENT ISSUES ENTIRELY***.

Take 12 weeks off. If you can't, take 10 full weeks off.

Are you always this alarmist and condescending? SHOUTING AT ME IN ALL CAPS DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU.

And being defensive and dismissive makes me think you are going to have one of the kids with serious issues. I am an adoptive mom btw who is also a working mom.

Don't get mad because people are telling you you need to take time off from work to care for your newborn. It's not unkind or mean, it's honest feedback.