Help me feel less bitter about my families new Christmas tradition

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a big family and we did Christmas BIG.

Since I was bone we've had huge extravagant Christmases. Looking back I can see they were over he top and frankly pretty gaudy. Imagine the opening sequence of the Nutcracker, a I can only estimate my parents spent hundreds of thousands on Christmas each year (expensive gifts, expensive food, expensive decorations, expensive services such as hiring several horse and carriages on Christmas Eve... Complete over kill). Three years ago my father had a big health scare and almost lost his life. It was a epiphany for my parents and they totally changed their lifestyle. Sold 75% of their crap and downsized! no more country club life style and started doing a lot of volunteering. It has been great and our family has really grown as people.

Now for the last two Christmases we have spent in a soup kitchen. We go in at 9 am and serve till 3pm, it has been a great experience. Afterwards we go to my parents new house and spend time together. We play games and eat, but no feast or presents. I thought this was great until recently.

I am the youngest of five and last to have children (IVF triplets at 39). All of my siblings have children ranging from 15 to 27 and my three are 3. I feel like my children don't get that special cousin bond all my siblings children do because of how much younger they are than their cousins.

My sister has been sharing pictures of previous Christmases and I feel like my children are missing out on what their cousins got to experience. They won't have those memories. My mom mentioned that those past Christmases were "for the kids" and thinks our new tradition is great since most of her grandchildren are adults now. In can't help but feel like, "what about my kids!" I lobe that we volunteer and I want to keep that tradition but I also want my kids to experience the big Christmas everyone else did. Not over the top, but the dinner and the presents would be nice.

I just feel like my kids are overlooked and miss out so much, I'd like them to experience a little Christmas magic.

[Anonymous]

Then you have to make it for them, OP.

I'm guessing you can't take 3 year olds to a soup kitchen. Can you strategize with your parents or a sympathetic sibling about having a family meal together either that evening or the weekend before or after Christmas for the extended family time?

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this with love and understanding (and the child of rich parents)

You are missing the meaning of family and Christmas. No, I'm not religious at all - but you can find joy for your children without a 100K Christmas. Big family is still together, have a wonderful time together and bring presents. Make new traditions.

[Anonymous]

Time to make your own traditions at home. I can understand both sides of this. Can you do your own Christmas however you want at your home then join the family in the afternoon?

[Anonymous]

Yep. Decorate your own house like mad and do presents, etc. You'll just have to start your own traditions at home. I'm currently pregnant and my mom started a different career and is busy now and could completely care less about christmas or a tree, etc. - so we won't be doing christmas at her house anymore. So I'm getting myself pumped up to have our own festive house. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!

[Anonymous]

Cycle of life OP. I get your angst, but in my case one parent is dead and the other has dementia. So the amazing, warm, thoughtful Christmases that my mother orchestrated every year are just a faded memory for me and one that my kids were never old enough to appreciate before she died. It's totally okay to feel sad that your kids won't be able to experience what their mother and their cousins did. But be glad that your family is healthy and is doing good things in the world, and find ways to give your kids the holiday you want them to remember.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you learned nothing from Christmas past.

[Anonymous]

If you want to do a big family Christmas, organize and host it. It doesn't have to be extravagant to be fun and meaningful.

Your kids are almost a generation younger than their 1st cousins, holidays will be different for them not matter what. Not much you can do about that...

[Anonymous]

You think your parents spent HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS on Christmas? Either your presents were wrapped in gold or you have no sense of money. That seems really unlikely.

That being said, your parents seem to have perspective and you should borrow some from them. Your kids are having great family memories made. It's sad you don't think so just because there isn't "hundreds of thousands of dollars" spent on presents. They have two loving (ALIVE) grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins they see at Christmas . They are lucky.

[Anonymous]

I would try to focus on the long view. As long as you don't make a big deal out of it, you're children won't know what they're missing. And in the meantime, it sounds like your children will get a Christmas that's much more in tune with the long-term values it sounds like you want to instill (volunteerism, less consumerism, etc.). It's much easier to start there and then do big surprises some year as you're inclined than to start with the big Christmases and then have to undo it later when you want to scale back.

[Anonymous]

You're complaining because your dad almost died and now isn't spending six figures on Christmas, which your kids won't miss because they never experienced it to begin with. Now I've heard everything on dcum.

Start your own traditions with your family. If your kids grow up and feel slighted because their grandparents didn't spend more than what most families of 4 live on over the course of a year on one ridiculous holiday, they have bigger problems.

[Anonymous]

Huh. My kids are 7 and 4 and we're in the midst of refocusing on what Christmas is about- spending time with our family. I wish when my kids were 3 that I gave them a Xmas like we will be doing this year because then this wouldn't appear to hem to be reigning in. Most likely it won't anyway, but no one wants their kids to be disappointed on Xmas. Of course, they are still getting lots of gifts and we're following the same traditions, just on a scale that fits more in line with our values. Honestly, kids (particularly at 3) are no more excited by 50 gifts than they are by 10. If any are like my one DD, they will get sick of unwrapping about 5.

That said, you don't need your parents to give your kids an over the top Xmas. I think your family's new tradition sounds wonderful and you shouldn't disrupt it. You should just do Xmas the way you want T your house as invite them over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think your parents spent HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS on Christmas? Either your presents were wrapped in gold or you have no sense of money. That seems really unlikely.

That being said, your parents seem to have perspective and you should borrow some from them. Your kids are having great family memories made. It's sad you don't think so just because there isn't "hundreds of thousands of dollars" spent on presents. They have two loving (ALIVE) grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins they see at Christmas . They are lucky.

Where do you live pp? Hundreds of thousands of dollars is extremely easy to spend over even a few years. Have you ever catered a fancy party? I am going to think no...and Costco does not count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then you have to make it for them, OP.

I'm guessing you can't take 3 year olds to a soup kitchen. Can you strategize with your parents or a sympathetic sibling about having a family meal together either that evening or the weekend before or after Christmas for the extended family time?

They do go to the soup kitchen and have since last Christmas. We don't stay the whole time but people do like to see children there.

We are at my parents for about six days, and DH family lives out of the country. That is our Christmas. I've mentioned doing small gifts for the kids but that was met with a face that said, "nope".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think your parents spent HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS on Christmas? Either your presents were wrapped in gold or you have no sense of money. That seems really unlikely.

That being said, your parents seem to have perspective and you should borrow some from them. Your kids are having great family memories made. It's sad you don't think so just because there isn't "hundreds of thousands of dollars" spent on presents. They have two loving (ALIVE) grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins they see at Christmas . They are lucky.

Where do you live pp? Hundreds of thousands of dollars is extremely easy to spend over even a few years. Have you ever catered a fancy party? I am going to think no...and Costco does not count.

OP said hundreds of thousands each year. Which, is....wow.