Millennials feel 'abandoned' by parents not available to help raise grandkids: 'Too busy'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gen X here from an era where kids had lots of independence and responsibility and not tons of extended family help. My widowed mom had our baby sister in Head Start while she worked a shitty job where she was sexually harassed by the boss. My brothers and I were on our own, riding our bikes around the neighborhood getting into mild scuffles with no supervision. We were expected to do some basic chores and be home when mom came roaring up in her station wagon with the baby and would put something like Hamburger Helper together for dinner. She worked until she practically dropped and by then my siblings and I were raising families of our own. We never expected anything but love from her which she's always given. If she wants to read novels in bed till afternoon or take budget trips to Hawaii with her girlfriends, we're all over the idea. She has earned her rest and retirement.

Another Gen Xer here with a similar upbringing and perspective on grandparents role!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since we’ve only had anecdotes from some very bitter women , here’s some statistics on what’s actually going on with grandmothers.

According to the u.S. Census Bureau, there are about 11.3 million children under age 5 with working mothers. of those children, about 3.3 million (30 percent) are in the care of their grandparents for some period of time every week. With nearly a third of the children of working mothers being cared for by grandparents,

The Census Bureau also reported that many older children often are cared for by their grandparents before and after school, while their parents are still at work – 12 percent or 4.7 million children between the ages of 5 and 14, are regularly in the care of their grandparents.

(National assoc of childcare). NACCRRA’s survey found that nearly 40 percent of grandparents with grandchildren under age 13, and who live within an hour’s drive from them, are currently providing child care to their grandchildren.

Note the first paragraph references children under 5. The second was children under 13.

U.S. census data shows that 7.1 million American grandparents are living with their grandchildren under 18. Some 2.3 million of those grandparents are responsible for their grandchildren meaning they have custody of their grandchildren.

This should completely shut down the idea that millennials aren’t getting grandparent help. Now, how this plays out by geography and SES level, you’d have to do more research…

I think a lot of people complaining had shitty lives with parents who weren’t ideal. Some of the stories are sad. But they are in the minority and maybe it makes these people feel better to just blanket their statements to include all grandparents, not just theirs. But they really can only speak for themselves.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's right to expect grandparents to watch grandkids.

But I will say that if you never visit and are completely uninvolved in your grandkids life, don't expect everyone to come to you for holidays. My dh and I would do just about anything for my parents because they watch our kids for 9 days (allowing us international trips without kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since we’ve only had anecdotes from some very bitter women , here’s some statistics on what’s actually going on with grandmothers.

According to the u.S. Census Bureau, there are about 11.3 million children under age 5 with working mothers. of those children, about 3.3 million (30 percent) are in the care of their grandparents for some period of time every week. With nearly a third of the children of working mothers being cared for by grandparents,

The Census Bureau also reported that many older children often are cared for by their grandparents before and after school, while their parents are still at work – 12 percent or 4.7 million children between the ages of 5 and 14, are regularly in the care of their grandparents.

(National assoc of childcare). NACCRRA’s survey found that nearly 40 percent of grandparents with grandchildren under age 13, and who live within an hour’s drive from them, are currently providing child care to their grandchildren.

Note the first paragraph references children under 5. The second was children under 13.

U.S. census data shows that 7.1 million American grandparents are living with their grandchildren under 18. Some 2.3 million of those grandparents are responsible for their grandchildren meaning they have custody of their grandchildren.

This should completely shut down the idea that millennials aren’t getting grandparent help. Now, how this plays out by geography and SES level, you’d have to do more research…

It doesnt. How does 30% compare to the percentage of help parents recieved a generation ago? Has there really been no drop in the numbers? And do a significant number of millennials actually feel abandoned because they don't have parents watching their children? Does this amount differ significantly from past generations?

[Anonymous]

See it from the grandmother's (because it's always the grandmas and not grandpas doing the babysitting) view.

https://www.businessinsider.com/boomer-grandma-stopped-babysitting-set-boundaries-millennial-kids-2023-12

Parenting styles have changed. The boomer's mother probably didn't do much "watching" of the grandkids. Kids were a lot more free range than today.

If your boomer parent raised your child like they were raised, the millennial parent probably wouldn't like it.

Rigid schedules; don't let them on electronics too long; don't let them outside to play without a chaperone; no sweets; no spanking, no yelling, etc...

Not that those are wrong. I parented my children that way, too, and I'm a genxer, but my mother, part of the silent generation, largely let me roam around by myself, didn't impose rigid sleep schedules, or put limits on my junk food because I was a latchkey kid. Oh, and I also watched a ton of tv, and didn't exercise much. That's how we grew up. Would you want your grandmother to raise your kid that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


I think the point of the article and the point many posters are making is that many parents by and large did not take care of their children without assistance from their family but now that they are the grandparents they arent paying it forward.

Many posters here including myself were practically raised by our grandparents during summers but have not received the same type of assistance from our parents.

you need to really take a good look at the lives of boomer women compared to silent gen women. Do you think women in the silent generation worked until they were 65 and helped take care of grandkids? No, they did not. Many were sahm. Did you grandmother work until she was 65? I doubt it. Most women of that generation didn't even work, and if they did, they quit after having kids. Not so with boomer moms. They worked even after having kids. And that is tough, as you know. So, I don't blame these women who after having worked and taken care of kids for most their lives (probably mostly on their own without their husbands help), don't want to continue taking care of little kids after they retire. I sure wouldn't, and I'm genx.

Yep. Another GenXer here. In addition to working full time and raising my kids, I have been the sole caretaker of elderly parents in their 80s. Our kids aren't quite old enough to get married and have kids yet, but I get exhausted even thinking about being expected to provide regular babysitting and childcare. Not happening. I am going to retire and travel and while I would be happy to provide one day of week of childcare and the occasional weekend babysitting or go spend 2-3 weeks in the summer with grandma, I have no intention of being an on-call childcare provider.

Genx cycle of selfishness, that's why you are boomers

They may be selfish, but millennials are entitled, and producing entitled children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it can be kind of cruel to see someone struggling, have the means to help, and refuse to ever help because you feel like you aren't obligated. This is true regardless of who you're talking about, and I think it's worse when you're talking about the child you brought into this world. A lot of people might read that and get defensive but in the situations I see where a millennial is complainting about that particular scenario, yeah it's messed up. Especially if the Boomer parent got childcare help from their parents (which they usually did).

BTW I have never asked for nor expected family help with childcare. I am just making observations. Also because I can see how hard it is to be a parent and maintain your sanity, I have told my kids that I will totally help out with childcare if they need it.

What? If my kids choose to have kids I would hope they'd plan ahead as to how they are going to take care of them. It's not like someone drops a kid off on your doorstep every three years and then you just have to figure out how to deal with them.

+1 I've told my kids that having kids is expensive, and to make sure they are somewhat financially stable before having them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gen X here from an era where kids had lots of independence and responsibility and not tons of extended family help. My widowed mom had our baby sister in Head Start while she worked a shitty job where she was sexually harassed by the boss. My brothers and I were on our own, riding our bikes around the neighborhood getting into mild scuffles with no supervision. We were expected to do some basic chores and be home when mom came roaring up in her station wagon with the baby and would put something like Hamburger Helper together for dinner. She worked until she practically dropped and by then my siblings and I were raising families of our own. We never expected anything but love from her which she's always given. If she wants to read novels in bed till afternoon or take budget trips to Hawaii with her girlfriends, we're all over the idea. She has earned her rest and retirement.

Another Gen Xer here with a similar upbringing and perspective on grandparents role!

No one cares about Genx this is a millennial throw go back to put baby in the corner stupid movie thing

[Anonymous]

My greatest generation grandmother watched my cousins, but she cleaned in the morning and then smoked and watched her soaps all afternoon. The only activities they did were school or church related. Not exactly a genx or millennial ideal for how children should be raised.

I was a latchkey kid starting in 3rd grade, and I loved it.

[Anonymous]

I think we need to distinguish here between full time childcare (what almost none of us are saying) and offering up the occasional date night or sleepover to the grandchildren you claim to love and be interested in.

When we asked my inlaws to watch our kids for the company holiday party, we'd drop them off about 5pm and their main question would always be "what time are you coming to get them in the morning?" It was clearly a favor to us and nothing more. We stopped asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we need to distinguish here between full time childcare (what almost none of us are saying) and offering up the occasional date night or sleepover to the grandchildren you claim to love and be interested in.

When we asked my inlaws to watch our kids for the company holiday party, we'd drop them off about 5pm and their main question would always be "what time are you coming to get them in the morning?" It was clearly a favor to us and nothing more. We stopped asking.

This seems like a reasonable question to me. Maybe it was just a favor to you. Why not let them? A babysitter is doing it only for money. Is that better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we need to distinguish here between full time childcare (what almost none of us are saying) and offering up the occasional date night or sleepover to the grandchildren you claim to love and be interested in.

When we asked my inlaws to watch our kids for the company holiday party, we'd drop them off about 5pm and their main question would always be "what time are you coming to get them in the morning?" It was clearly a favor to us and nothing more. We stopped asking.

This seems like a reasonable question to me. Maybe it was just a favor to you. Why not let them? A babysitter is doing it only for money. Is that better?

The meaning was clear in the tone. And I didn't say we don't "let" them. I said we stopped asking. Want to guess how often they offer on their own?

[Anonymous]

I don't expect my parents to help, ever but on an occasional emergency it would have been nice. They are/were so kind, generous and helpful to others and not me/my family. The hard part comes when they expect you to care for them and cater to them when they never ever helped you once. Or, worse, your kids have zero bond with them as they only see them 1-2 times a year despite living very close (as in 5-30 minutes) and they never ever get the kids so much as a gift, even a dollar tree gift but brag about what they do for their partner's grandkids and other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boomers are too busy and galavanting around on vacations to help their kids and grand kids, sad. Another example of boomer selfishness on top of the wealth taking and focusing younger generations to find their lifestyles, sad.

https://www.foxnews.com/media/millennials-feel-abandoned-parents-available-help-raise-grandkids-busy.amp

Don't have children expecting your parents to be your free child Care. We took care of our kids and you can do the same.

I think the point of the article and the point many posters are making is that many parents by and large did not take care of their children without assistance from their family but now that they are the grandparents they arent paying it forward.

Many posters here including myself were practically raised by our grandparents during summers but have not received the same type of assistance from our parents.

you need to really take a good look at the lives of boomer women compared to silent gen women. Do you think women in the silent generation worked until they were 65 and helped take care of grandkids? No, they did not. Many were sahm. Did you grandmother work until she was 65? I doubt it. Most women of that generation didn't even work, and if they did, they quit after having kids. Not so with boomer moms. They worked even after having kids. And that is tough, as you know. So, I don't blame these women who after having worked and taken care of kids for most their lives (probably mostly on their own without their husbands help), don't want to continue taking care of little kids after they retire. I sure wouldn't, and I'm genx.



and

https://www.dol.gov/agencies/wb/data/lfp/women-by-age

This is interesting that even in the depression and during WWII many women didn't work outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gen X here from an era where kids had lots of independence and responsibility and not tons of extended family help. My widowed mom had our baby sister in Head Start while she worked a shitty job where she was sexually harassed by the boss. My brothers and I were on our own, riding our bikes around the neighborhood getting into mild scuffles with no supervision. We were expected to do some basic chores and be home when mom came roaring up in her station wagon with the baby and would put something like Hamburger Helper together for dinner. She worked until she practically dropped and by then my siblings and I were raising families of our own. We never expected anything but love from her which she's always given. If she wants to read novels in bed till afternoon or take budget trips to Hawaii with her girlfriends, we're all over the idea. She has earned her rest and retirement.

Another Gen Xer here with a similar upbringing and perspective on grandparents role!

Yet another GenX checking in. I want my kids’ time with their grandparents (and vice versa) to be special and fun. Sure our grandparents occasionally babysit but it’s not the overall tenor of the relationship. Our parents deserve rest and our kids deserve some good natured spoiling.